Tag: dwarf

Shortest settlement process ever

Exactly 3 months ago, SeriouslyGuys relayed to you the emotionally delicious story of a woman who was fired from Starbucks allegedly for her dwarfiosity. And like a bad case of the runs, we’re here to let you know the dramatic outcome of that story!

Drum roll please……………

There was a settlement. Yup, that’s it. Pretty super anti-climatic, huh? Coincidentally enough, Starbucks would have been taking on a part of the United States government in the lawsuit had it continued on. Mind you, the government is big and powerful, but it would have been interesting to see a large corporation take on a federal group that’s running out of money. Would half-soy double-mocha fraps be our new currency if Starbucks won? Who knows.

Also, we don’t know the actual amount given in the settlement but we can only assume that it’s more than she would be able to carry in her hands. Perhaps it’s a proportionately large (or tidy?) amount in comparison to how she measures up to a stool?

Shortest lawsuit ever?

It partially sounds like something from a children’s story. Nonetheless, it might explain just how magical their coffee can seem at times (though, since those times tend to be 6 and 7 in the morning, anything with caffeine would be magical). Well, for as long as the magic can last, that is.

Stay with me now: The United States of America is suing Starbucks for firing a dwarf.

You did not read an untrue word in that sentence.

Starbucks allegedly fired a dwarf person (she was downsized?) the same day that she requested a stool, stating that “she could be a danger to customers and workers.” It’s a horrible reason to use as grounds for termination, mainly because she wouldn’t be a danger, but probably more an amusement to the customers. Except on March 17. Just, FYI kiddo.

It’s maybe baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack

It’s almost impossible to not like Journey’s song “Don’t Stop Believing.” It’s a heartwarming tale of inspiration full of dulcet tones and sweet melodies. Not only, it’s catchy! I mean, once you hear it, the song is in your head.

So who’s the jerk that’s been playing it to Pluto?

The former planet, now listed as a dwarf, has made some powerful allies who believe their discoveries will convince astronomers to bring Pluto back into the planetary fold. Mark Sykes of the Planetary Science Institute in Tucson, Arizona, suggests that Pluto’s demotion stems from a misconception that full-fledged planets are somehow unusual:

“We are in the midst of a conceptual revolution,” he says. “We are shaking off the last vestiges of the mythological view of planets as special objects in the sky – and the idea that there has to be a small number of them because they’re special.”

Not only that, but:

Sykes believes that missions currently en route to Pluto and the asteroid Ceres, which orbits the sun between Mars and Jupiter, will reveal these dwarf planets as active and intricate worlds. Meanwhile, astronomers may find distant objects as large as Earth which the IAU would not define as planets.

So what does this mean? Well, many astronomers are now coming toward the theory that that any planet large enough to be pulled into a sphere by its own gravity should be considered a planet. Of course, by this definition, not only would Pluto be a planet, so would Ceres, Haumea, Makemake, and Eris, all currently considered dwarfs.

Way to go, guys. Everyone knows that once you let Makemake and Eris into the neighborhood, the property values plummet like there’s no tomorrow.

Obama launches Iran D&D expansion

Continuing our report on last week’s premier of President Obama’s Path to Peace Dungeons and Dragons campaign, it appears that the North Korea realm is stalled while U.S. players roll to see if they can search their boats.*

*Helpful Hint: Dwarves wearing Lady’s Sunglasses (+2 stealth) could potentially fit in with the crew.

In the meantime, Dungeon Master Obama has launched an expansion campaign for Iran. It starts the same, only this time, the Path to Peace on the game map is marked by its name in Elftongue: “the clear, open Path to International Acceptance.”

This would require trait sets of honesty and candor, and it couldn’t hurt to roll for bonus charisma and initiative–both of which the wizard Khomeini and his gnome underling, Ahmadinejad, severely lack after their mana-draining Thrown Election.