Nature finds way to create job openings

Don’t bother getting to know the new intern, kids. He’ll be dead by next pay period.

You may have noticed more entry-level positions requiring experience that people just entering the work force don’t have.

That’s because nobody can retire anymore, even though privatizing retirement through mutual funds and other investment accounts was supposed to make up for “unsustainable” pensions and social security. Which means many people of retirement age back in, oh, 2008, gradually moved into less skilled jobs in their companies, prompting job descriptions to change.

Well, as Ian Malcolm warned us in Jurassic Park, nature finds a way. Older people are now dying at a higher rate in the work place, even as workplace fatalities decrease. 35 percent of 2015 workplace fatalities involved workers 55 and older.

Now, the one question to settle: are they dying more due to accidents caused by “gradually worsening vision and hearing impairment, reduced response time, balance issues and chronic medical or muscle or bone problems such as arthritis” as gerontologists (or really old scientists) say? Or were they pushed?

Bad news doesn’t get better with age, but it eventually goes away

"So the pills will make it look like this all the time ... but you're still gonna die in the next 20 years. *cough* What?"
“So the pills will make it look like this all the time, but you’re still gonna die in the next 20 years. *cough* What?”

Doctors are unsure of how to talk to aging patients about end-of-life care. According to a new poll, they know they have to talk to patients about it eventually. And, they’ll be having that conversation more than ever as 72 million aging Baby Boomers fail to die before they get old (in accordance with the final wishes of The Who). It’s just really, really hard to broach the topic of, y’know, natural cellular decay with a 60-year-old marathoner.

Originally, the costs of these awkward consultations was to be covered under the Affordable Care Act, but the funding was stripped out of the bill because stupid people who plan to die in shooting range accidents called them “death panels.” Doctors were off the hook … until Medicare stepped in and threw money back at the problem. Which is fine and all, but still doesn’t help them tell someone who thinks their only problem is a wind-socking erection.

Fortunately, The Guys have a solution — one that doctors already know: they can wait old people out. Self-solving problem.

There aren’t even seven fruits and vegetables

In what must be an April Fools’ Day post, WebMD and other media sources are reporting that — get this — eating fruits and vegetables is the secret to cutting your risk of death. According to a study in England, people who ate seven or more servings of fruit or vegetables a day were 42 percent less likely to die than their peers in any age group.

We will, however by more mysteriously conical meat because the Mediterranean diet is in right now.
We will, however by more mysteriously conical meat because the Mediterranean diet is in right now.

Yeah, right, WebMD (if that really is your degree). We get that garlic cuts your risk of death by vampire by 100 percent, which cuts your risk of overall death by 0 percent.

But fruit? C’mon. That’s introducing risk, whether from slips and falls due to banana peels or from a watermelon growing inside of you because you accidentally swallowed a seed.

So nice try, but we’re not buying it.

Take it from Snee: Be very afraid

When I read that a dead body had been found in one of the Los Angeles International Airports’ bathrooms, I said, “Thank God.”

What? That’s not good news? How do you figure?

I didn’t hear any of what you just said because this is text on your computer screen, but I will tell you why I feel better knowing that there was a corpse in the bathroom of a heavily trafficked public area: he made it.

What I mean is that, when I die, my body will release whatever waste is inside of it. I always figured that meant I was guaranteed to soil my pants, bed or coat closet. But, this guy made it to the bathroom before it could happen. I could make it too.

So, that’s one fear allayed of many. Let’s take a look at some of the others. Continue reading Take it from Snee: Be very afraid

If you have Walter Cronkite in your death pool …

Not Higgins.… then you and Uncle Walter might both be cashing in soon, although with very different meanings.

According to a report taken from Mediabistro and run amok in almost every other online news source, famed news broadcaster, Walter Cronkite, is “ailing.” To translate: being 92 years-old sucks, but to be 92 years-old and ailing is worse (if you’d believe it).

Since he’s a famous person dying of natural causes, we’re hoping he’ll have some cool last words, maybe even his closing line from his broadcasts, “And that’s the way I was.”

In Other News: Walter Cronkite is still alive.