If you give a mouse E. coli

Be on the lookout for diseased NYC mice. They’re somewhere out there.

Who among us hasn’t cried watching An American Tail? (It’s OK, the Internet can’t see you nodding.) Fievel Mousekewitz, a young mouse from Russia, emigrates to America to escape Cossack cats and ends up separated from his family in New York City. Of course it’s sad — because Fievel is an illegal immigrant carrying superbugs.

A study of mice throughout New York City reveals that Fievel’s great-great-great-great-great … (mouse generations are ridiculous) … great-grandchildren are carrying disease-causing bacteria, including a few antibiotic-resistant germs.

Three percent of the mice carried Salmonella bacteria, 14 percent carried disease-causing Shigella, 12 percent carried the food poisoning germ Clostridium perfringens, 4 percent carried enteropathogenic Escherichia coli and 4 percent carried Clostridium difficile, a notorious cause of often-fatal chronic diarrhea.

“Often-fatal chronic diarrhea.” Clearly, crying our lungs out at their songs wasn’t enough for these Trojan mice.

If you see signs of mice in your domicile, it is critical to take steps to either catch or kill them and clean up all possible surfaces with bleach to disinfect contagion due to urine and feces. And we have to act fast before these vermin go west.

Cookie doughs and don’ts

We have some further bad news for you, people who just went through a break-up: it’s just not safe to eat raw cookie dough.

We know. You always thought  it was safe to eat because eggs are pasteurized, but what about the flour? You didn’t consider the flour, did you? You never do, and that’s how we got into this crazy, mixed-up place.

It turns out that, this whole time? A lot of flour contains E. coli, which is fine, so long as you cook it. If you can’t be bothered to preheat an oven and operate a spatula 10-20 minutes later, then you become a statistic. At the very least, you can buy cookie dough ice cream, which is treated for raw consumption/putting on those healing pounds.

On the other hand, there is good news: booze gets you unsafe sex. So, put down that tube and tape on a couple of 40s. Your future kids will thank you.

It was not a good day for food

We hope that you’re not eating. If you are, you might want to go ahead and finish up the mastication process, as we’d like to you finish your food.


Good. Because of those were Nestle Toll House cookies, you might have E. coli. Congratulations!

Okay, there’s a very good chance that you don’t. Still, you might want to be careful. Two samples of Nestlé’s refrigerated Toll House cookie dough from the Danville, Virginia plant tested positive for E. coli bacteria. But wait, you say. “If it’s from a plant, it could get in my mouth!”

No. The tainted dough did not leave the factory, and Nestle is not recalling any product. However, the company did say that it will close the Virginia plant for two weeks to change its cleaning and production process. So slam freshly baked cookies into your mouth all you want!

Unless they’re SpaghettiO cookies. In which case, you might want to pour out a can.

No, not for a bad reason like above. The creator of SpaghettiOs, Donald Goerke, died at the age of 83. He will best be remembered for Chunky soup, canned pasta that was able to be preserved and a sauce that I found vastly inferior to Chef Boyardee. CHEF BOYARDEE SHARKS 4 LIFE.

At least you don’t hear much about the Christmas burger

How do you make 124 tons of meaty-meatness disappear? If you answered “make it unhealthy to consume,” then a winner is you!

That’s right, we have yet another E. coli scare upon us. Oklahoma company National Steak and Poultry is voluntarily recalling approximately 248 thousand pounds of beef, as there is a possibility of it being contaminated with the bacteria. Products being pulled back include beef medallions, beef tips, sirloin steak and skirt steak, among many other items, though I must say that I’m a tad bit disappointed that cow tongue isn’t found on the list. Frankly, cow tongue should probably be removed from stores as it is, E. coli or no E. coli.

The food company has stated that there may be a link between the meat and six cases of E. coli being discovered. This could be a lot scarier than it is, but luckily, we only tend to talk about the Christmas turkey or the Christmas ham, as opposed to the less seen “Yule pot of Hamburger Helper” (new motto: “One pound, one pan and you’ve got a trip to the emergency room”).

SeriouslyGuys can only speculate as to whether “Who-pie” is made of contaminated meat. We like to think that it is, as it would serve those dirty hippies right.