Have you helped Haiti yet?

We know you feel bad about the earthquake in Haiti, and we hope you have donated in some way to the tragedy. There are so many ways to help the troubled country, the New Orleans Saints did their best by winning the Super Bowl, unfortunately, Pierre Garçon, who is Haitian-American, was on the Colts.

Having you considered giving back by getting a lap dance?

A strip club in Toledo, Ohio offered a promotion they subtly titled “Lap Dances for Haiti.” The only problem is that lap dances are illegal in Ohio, so they just charged a $10 cover charge which raised nearly $1,000 for International Services of Hope.

Key quote: “You don’t hear much about strip clubs giving back to the community.”

The relief effort went far better than the strip club’s attempt to help build schools on Native American reservations, called “Lap Dances with Wolves.”

(Via Consumerist)

Take it from Snee: We, the world, say enough

Most of the Guys may be a little young to remember 1985-1986, the year when you couldn’t escape “We Are the World.” Well, I had to participate in several performances of it all the way up to 1989. (Some music experts credit elementary schools’ adoration of the song as the progenitor of “Kidz Bop.” Think about that.)

Well, the ghosts of Michael Jackson and Lionel Ritchie are at it again.

Dozens of “singers”–nearly twice the number of the 1985 recording–have been invited to remake the song, with a few modified lyrics, for Haitian earthquake relief.

You’re probably wondering why I think this charitable work is a bad idea (other than that I’m horrible person who hates everything). I’m glad you kind of asked: Continue reading Take it from Snee: We, the world, say enough

Haiti has a police force? Who knew?

Ten American civilians–Baptists, to be exact–were arrested by the Haitian government for allegedly trying to smuggle 33 children across the border into the Dominican Republic.

The Haitian Prime Minister, Max Bellerive, said they could be charged with kidnapping since the government put all new adoptions on hold until, you know, people aren’t living in tent cities and thousands of parents aren’t presumed still missing.

Other officials have objected to the Baptists’ adoption on the grounds of, “Did you see Footloose? Why would we send our children to that kind of hell?”

Update (2 Feb 2010): Parents of the “orphans” are showing up to reclaim their children. Whoops!

And that’s why I always carry a flask

We know there’s a horrible tragedy going on in Haiti. We’re not ignoring it by not posting, we just don’t see the humor in such a situation. So we’ve struggled to find an angle on the whole thing, and now we have it. Ladies and gentlemen, SG is here to inspire your Monday morning.

Days after the search and rescue missions for earthquake survivors ended in Haiti, a man was found beneath what was once a hotel. Keep in mind, he was found alive 11 days after the earthquake, generally, people die after less than a week of food.

So how did he do it? He survived on food and drink left in the rubble from what once was a shop. Namely, he lived on candy, crackers, soda, beer and whisky. Yes, whisky.

Remember, everyone, booze can safe your life. It makes miracles all the time.

That’s some pig

China is against everything we stand for (except their food). Those commie pinkos are known for being uncooperative diplomatically, they have even been known to hold an alleged Olympiad before. But now they’ve gone to far: they have a favorite animal.

Yes, the thought of any country celebrating an animal so much is simply unheard of, but a single pig was voted by the Chinese as their favorite animal–because that’s about all they’re allowed to vote on.

Zhu Jianqiang, or “Strong Pig” is now famous for surviving the earthquake that hit China in May. The beast survived trapped for 36 days in the rubble. This is a miracle, because, you know, it’s hard to believe a pig rolling around in mud and its own crap for days.

Not surprisingly, the pig, once acting like the lowly farm animal it is, is now behaving like a rock star, getting ill-tempered, fat and lazy.

“It’s gotten fatter and lazier by the day,” [the report] quoted staff as saying. “We used to take it out for a walk every morning and afternoon, but it’s too lazy — and too fat — to do it.”

Hmmmm, ill-tempered? Fat? Lazy? We know just the cure.

Wen Jiabao has invited you to The Maoist Party

Sure, he may be busy trying to get aid to his people and helping rebuild an earthquake-tattered part of his country, but that doesn’t mean Chinese Premier Wen Jiabao does not have time to tag you in pics from last weekend, or ask you to add 800,000 applications everyday. He will even write nice messages on your wall.

Wen now has a Facebook profile and probably wants to add you as a friend. It is not clear how he got there, most perplexing is that Facebook is blocked in China, anyway, but he seems to be there to stay. So next time you want to keep up on what the Chinese premier is doing, remember: don’t go to MySpace, go to Facebook.

He’s probably got tons of fake MySpace profiles, anyway.

Shake, rattle and pose

Chinese officials shut down a local lifestyle magazine that published pictures of sexy models in their underwear … posing in the rubble of the earthquake that has killed over 40,000 people. Even a tentacle porn director was quoted as saying, “Dude, that’s just not right.”

Sorry guys. I have a feeling that the “Sexy Rubble Edition” issue just may never catch on.