We need to make movies about other holidays. We only make ones about Halloween and Christmas, and that’s probably why people like them so much. We force feed ourselves images of why these days are special and that’s all we focus on. I want us to make some movies about the magic of Thanksgiving, where everyone dunks everything they eat in gravy, and then falls asleep on the couch drunk by 5 p.m. If you were busy getting benched this week, odds are you missed it.
Never become the story
This week, Today Show host Matt Lauer and radio yarn spinner Garrison Keillor were fired from there jobs amid allegations of inappropriate sexual behavior. One report against Lauer, and this is true, is that he gave a female employee a sex toy and wrote her a note about what he wanted to do with it. Meanwhile, female staffers reported numerous unwanted invitations to skinny dip with Keillor in Lake Woebegone.
Oye! Oye! Oye!
A prominent Anglican priest in London this week encouraged followers to pray that Prince George, 4, is gay. I just don’t think I’ll ever understand these old royal engagement traditions.
Something happened in Delaware
Parts of the Mid-Atlantic were rocked when a magnitude 4.1 earthquake struck near Dover, Delaware on Thursday. President Donald Trump said he hopes for a speedy recovery from the natural disaster, adding that the nation of Delaware brought this on itself.
Every so often, the entire media focuses on one aspect of a story, only to miss the real story hidden in their report. When that happens, The Guys point out The Real Story.
China, fresh from their row with America’s fourth-most-famous current late night talk show host, is back in the media spotlight, this time for only pledging $100,000 in aid to the Philippines, and then only raising that amount to $1.6 million after the island nation was struck by earthquakes and Typhoon Haiyan. But, the real story is who outbid them:
China’s pledge, which it boosted after getting flack for its original offer of $100,000, is a fraction of the amounts pledged by other countries in the region and much farther away, including the USA, which pledged $20 million. Australia promised $30 million. The United Kingdom offered $16 million. Japan and United Arab Emirates each pledged $10 million. Ikea is sending $2.7 million, according to Unicef.
Yes, Ikea is sending aid to the Phillipines. The only problem is that, once it arrives, the Filipinos will have to put that aid together themselves. So, get ready for the next disaster to hit the archipelago: rising divorce rates and dangerously unsteady malms.
We know you feel bad about the earthquake in Haiti, and we hope you have donated in some way to the tragedy. There are so many ways to help the troubled country, the New Orleans Saints did their best by winning the Super Bowl, unfortunately, Pierre Garçon, who is Haitian-American, was on the Colts.
Having you considered giving back by getting a lap dance?
A strip club in Toledo, Ohio offered a promotion they subtly titled “Lap Dances for Haiti.” The only problem is that lap dances are illegal in Ohio, so they just charged a $10 cover charge which raised nearly $1,000 for International Services of Hope.
Key quote: “You don’t hear much about strip clubs giving back to the community.”
The relief effort went far better than the strip club’s attempt to help build schools on Native American reservations, called “Lap Dances with Wolves.”
Most of the Guys may be a little young to remember 1985-1986, the year when you couldn’t escape “We Are the World.” Well, I had to participate in several performances of it all the way up to 1989. (Some music experts credit elementary schools’ adoration of the song as the progenitor of “Kidz Bop.” Think about that.)
Ten American civilians–Baptists, to be exact–were arrested by the Haitian government for allegedly trying to smuggle 33 children across the border into the Dominican Republic.
The Haitian Prime Minister, Max Bellerive, said they could be charged with kidnapping since the government put all new adoptions on hold until, you know, people aren’t living in tent cities and thousands of parents aren’t presumed still missing.
Other officials have objected to the Baptists’ adoption on the grounds of, “Did you seeFootloose? Why would we send our children to that kind of hell?”
We know there’s a horrible tragedy going on in Haiti. We’re not ignoring it by not posting, we just don’t see the humor in such a situation. So we’ve struggled to find an angle on the whole thing, and now we have it. Ladies and gentlemen, SG is here to inspire your Monday morning.
Days after the search and rescue missions for earthquake survivors ended in Haiti, a man was found beneath what was once a hotel. Keep in mind, he was found alive 11 days after the earthquake, generally, people die after less than a week of food.
China is against everything we stand for (except their food). Those commie pinkos are known for being uncooperative diplomatically, they have even been known to hold an alleged Olympiad before. But now they’ve gone to far: they have a favorite animal.
Zhu Jianqiang, or “Strong Pig” is now famous for surviving the earthquake that hit China in May. The beast survived trapped for 36 days in the rubble. This is a miracle, because, you know, it’s hard to believe a pig rolling around in mud and its own crap for days.
Not surprisingly, the pig, once acting like the lowly farm animal it is, is now behaving like a rock star, getting ill-tempered, fat and lazy.
“It’s gotten fatter and lazier by the day,” [the report] quoted staff as saying. “We used to take it out for a walk every morning and afternoon, but it’s too lazy — and too fat — to do it.”
Hmmmm, ill-tempered? Fat? Lazy? We know just the cure.
Sure, he may be busy trying to get aid to his people and helping rebuild an earthquake-tattered part of his country, but that doesn’t mean Chinese Premier Wen Jiabao does not have time to tag you in pics from last weekend, or ask you to add 800,000 applications everyday. He will even write nice messages on your wall.
Wen now has a Facebook profile and probably wants to add you as a friend. It is not clear how he got there, most perplexing is that Facebook is blocked in China, anyway, but he seems to be there to stay. So next time you want to keep up on what the Chinese premier is doing, remember: don’t go to MySpace, go to Facebook.
He’s probably got tons of fake MySpace profiles, anyway.