War on Easter dealt major blow

Back in March, we told you about a mall Easter Bunny in New Jersey who was arrested after a fight with some mall patrons. Today we’re a step closer to witnessing an Easter miracle.

Authorities have reduced the charges against the Easter Bunny from simple assault to aggravated assault. That means that the giant rabbit, who is known to the courts as Kassim Charles, faces a maximum of six months in prison, whereas before he was looking at serving 5 years.

This means that even if he’s convicted, he’ll be out in plenty of time to bring you your Easter basket next year.

Easter egg hunt yields 45 pounds of pot

Sure, Easter was two days ago, but the stories keep coming. Imagine you’re holding a neighborhood Easter egg hunt when all of a sudden a man comes out screaming that his roommates are going to kill him. Sounds like the opening of a bad cop show, doesn’t it?

In Washington state, deputies were called to a disturbance at an Easter egg hunt, and ended up finding a lot more than the Easter Bunny brought. They searched the house of the man who complained about his roommates, and found a large-scale illegal marijuana operation going on. They found more than $200,000 in pot, and a whole lot of cash on hand.

All three roommates were arrested and charged, and no guns were found. So basically, the guy ratted on himself. It must’ve been a “come to Jesus” moment.

Adults fight because kids are bad at finding Easter eggs

No adult likes going to events for children, unless they’re a stay-at-home parent and it’s the only hope for excitement. But what if the problem with boring kid things isn’t the children, but the adults in attendance?

In Connecticut, adults filled with the spirit of Easter took their kids to an Easter egg hunt, and then ran over any child who got in their way. The event was held at PEZ headquarters, and featured roughly 9,000 eggs, which is clearly not enough to go around. That’s why there were reports of adults stealing eggs and egg baskets from kids, and even knocking some kids down as they raced to beat them to find eggs.

Last week in California, a kindergarten play was briefly entertaining when a fight broke out among parents in the front row. According to police, things got chippy when people sitting in the front row had their views obstructed by parents walking to the front to take pictures of their kids. One woman in particular refused to move when a principal asked her to sit down, and shoving match ensued. The play had to be called early.

Let that be a lesson to all the parents out there: If you want to get out of your kid’s thing early, just start a fight so the cancel it.

Easter Bunny fights mall patrons

Out of all the holiday-related mascots here in America, the Easter Bunny has to have it the worst. There’s just not a lot of dignity in being a large, pastel-wearing rabbit that brings kids Easter baskets. As far as kids care, Easter is far overshadowed by Christmas. Understandably, the Easter Bunny has a chip on his shoulder. That’s why it’s no surprise that he finally snapped.

At a mall in New Jersey, security had to break up a fight between the Easter Bunny and some customers. Things got heated when a 1-year-old girl slipped out of the chair after having her picture taken with the Easter Bunny. And we can assume that after a heated argument with adults, the hare got into a fight, which was documented in a video on Twitter.

There are still many unanswered questions. Was this the real Easter Bunny, or one of his helpers? Is this a thing now? Do we all have to go see the mall Easter Bunny from here on out? Should we as a society allow this thing with a history of violence into our homes while we sleep?

You Missed It: Meat lover’s edition

Also not legal in Indiana.
Also not legal in Indiana.

Easter as an adult isn’t much fun. Sure, you can enjoy an Easter lamb or ham feast, and maybe snack on some candy, but besides that, it’s sort of dull. The best you can hope for is getting excited to dress up your kid–if you’re into that sort of thing. It’s not like Christmas, which is the best day ever for children, and a license to booze for adults. We should make Easter a mini-Christmas for adults, starting with boozy office parties. If you were busy working out a nuclear deal with Iran this week, odds are you missed it.

Too much sausage for one pizza joint
This week, Indiana came under fire for passing a bill that critics say will mix church and state, and allow businesses to turn customers away for religious reasons, including if they are gay. When owners of a pizza place said they support the law, they too faced criticism. Like-minded bigots raised $400,000 for the establishment in an online campaign. Now where will Ted Cruz’s campaign getting funding from? His supporters just tapped themselves out.

A few months at sea
A passing ship saved a sailor who had been lost at sea for 66 days on Thursday. Authorities say Louis Jordan took his wooden sailboat out on a fishing trip in January. The boat capsized, most its mast, then righted itself again. He was found hundreds of miles off the coast of North Carolina by a passing cargo ship. Upon returning to land, Jordan said, “I’m happy to be alive, and Selma really got snubbed on Oscar nominations, huh?”

That’s not something to brag about
British Prime Minister David Cameron said in an interview that he is related to the Kardashians. He said they have a common ancestor, who was born in 1555. It’s good to see Europeans claiming relations to U.S. royalty for a change.

Criticize your wife’s driving and she may run you over

It seems that behaving badly on Easter isn’t just a thing in Boston, they do it in Tennessee, too.

After a church service celebrating what is one of the holiest of Christian holidays (right up there with Christmas in July), a man made some derisive comments about his wife’s driving abilities. So she decided to prove her skills — by trying to run him over in the church parking lot.

Sure, she may have gotten arrested, but she proved her point.

Jesus rises from the grave, gets booed in Boston

A year ago, Boston Bruins fans came together in the aftermath of the marathon bombing and sang the National Anthem as a group. This Easter, they booed Jesus.

During the first period of Game 2 between the Bruins and the Detroit Red Wings, a guy in the stands dressed as Jesus was spotted and put on the jumbotron. He blessed the crowd and everyone was happy. Just one period later, the Son of Man himself was escorted out by security, and boos followed him as he went.

Bruins fans know not what they do.


"I died to erase your search history."
“I died to erase your search history.”

Another Easter is over, and how did many of its most vocal adherents spend it? By switching to Bing.

While the date of Easter shifts around thanks to the miracle of modern calendaring, March 31st is also Cesar Chavez Day, a holiday commemorating the birthday of the Mexican-American farmer, union organizer and civil rights leader. So, when Google changed its Doodle to honor Chavez instead of Jesus’ big comeback, you can expect the reaction was less than measured from the Right.

The Google Doodle has already been the bane of the Fox Nation after failing to observe only the days they want it to, like Memorial Day, Veterans Day, Flag Day and the anniversaries of D-Day and the attack on Pearl Harbor. And while Google has gotten away with not doing an Easter Doodle since 2000, the tech giant brought all the fury down on themselves by honoring some socialist who taught the poor how to take care of themselves instead.

On a personal note: The Guys are also offended, but only because Google honored Cesar Chavez and not Cesar Romero, the guy who played the Joker on the 1960’s Batman TV series. But, we’re not, like, reduce-the-quality-of-our-Internet-searches-mad about it.

Your battery died for your sins

It’s Ash Wednesday, all you Catholics out there. We know you’re excited. Are you ready to give something up for Lent? Did you forget it was Lent in the first place? It happens.

Bishops in England have a suggestion for what you should give up: your iPod. Instead of forgoing chocolate, soda or something along those lines, why don’t you give up something that will help save the environment? Give up some piece of technology (that you’re addicted to anyway), reduce your power consumption, do something to be greener.

We’d just like to say: please don’t give up your computer. We’d miss you.