McJordan BBQ sauce may not be all that McWorth it

If you couldn’t tell, we here at SG are sports fans. We may not all agree on the best team to root for, but when it comes to the athletically talented individuals, we cheer for them (except for anyone named John Rocker). Truthfully, we can even get a little obsessed.

That said, we’re not too obsessed. And by too obsessed, I mean insane enough to buy 20 year old barbecue sauce used for a promotional fast food item at the choice price of just under 10 grand. Because let’s face it, that’d be crazy and unhealthy at an all new level.

Now excuse us while we go seek out a special, limited edition cask of Ron Burgundy scotch.

Do immortals walk amongst us?

No, of course not. Don’t be silly.

They only fly First Class, and it costs $20 to see them in 3D.

According to the leader in news, eBay, photographic evidence of immortality — or at least Biblically-long life — and, well, you’re not going to like who it is. One is being sold of John Travolta, and another is of Nicolas Cage. (The Nic Cage photo auction is no longer active.)

In each case, the poster suggested some outlandish story about the two being time travelers or vampires, but let’s not get crazy here. First of all, you can’t take a picture of a vampire because their pale skin and oily hair reflect the flash back into the aperture. And a time traveler? Please. No self-respecting time traveler would pay the big bucks to develop it when there are perfectly good photo fun centers at amusement parks.

No, sometimes people just won’t die, no matter how many terrible movies they make.

Life is overrated

It ain’t easy being of the undead variety.

Chew on this: we’re born. We die. Everything that we do is ultimately fruitless. Just what value do we actually have? If you’re of the religious variety, you have your quote endquote eternal soul. So that’s gotta be of some value, right?

Well, if you’re using eBay as a value guide to judge the market, it’s worth around six hundred and sixty six dollars. American.

But it’s not all champagne and caviar for people sans life. Police in New York City found a bag of explosives in the graveyard. That’s not the bad news. The bad news is that they removed it. Look NYC, we know that since you’re a supremely large metropolitan area, you’ll be more susceptible to the inevitable zombie outbreak. With that said, could you at least look like you’re trying to be prepared for it? That bag of kablooey gum wasn’t an offensive move by a terrorist, it was obviously a smart defensive move by a concerned citizen.

Internet 1, dumb animals 0

The internet is famous for bringing people together. But some of those people include poachers and rare animal collectors, fueling a resurgence in the illegal wildlife trade. It’s the Craiglist’s of the animal skin trade!

Stop looking at us like that. It’s not like we’re directly to blame, though we would like to shake some hands.

The internet’s effect on the trade of endangered wildlife was one of the biggest issues discussed at the recent meeting of the Convention on International Trade in Endangered Species, or CITES, which gathered representatives from 175 countries to discuss conservation issues. A case in point was Kaiser’s Spotted Newt, which CITES delegates voted to ban the trade of after the World Wildlife Fund declared internet sellers had “devastated” the species’s population. This is the same WWF that felt the need to make Vince McMahon (through legal means) change the name of his wrestling organization so that people wouldn’t get the two confused.

CITES chief law enforcement officer John Sellar is skeptical the internet has really made it safer for illegal wildlife traders to sell, considering how easily purchases can be traced. EBay was once one of the main marketplaces for illegal ivory trading, but a complete ban of the practice in 2008 has sharply decreased such activity on the internet as a whole.

The Internet itself isn’t the threat, but it’s another way to market the product. Most people are not willing to pay $300 for a salamander. But through the power of the Internet, tapping into the global market, you can find buyers.

Dear people who are spending that much change on animals. Stop doing so. We don’t need you to spend that much money if we’re going to be fighting a war with them anyways.