We’ve reached the end of the year. I know, I didn’t think we’d make it, either. We found new reasons every day to get mad at each other online. We dumped ice water over our heads so we didn’t have to donate to charity, and felt good about it. We allowed Taylor Swift back into our lives. We voted out a bunch of Democrats because of Ebola. We watched Vladimir Putin close the Winter Olympics with the ceremonial invasion of Ukraine. In a year this dismal, one can feel lost. When I start feeling that way, I just ask myself, “What would Ernest Hemingway do?” Then I get rip-roaring drunk and forget the question. So pour yourself a glass and let’s do this.
At least she was clothed
Lena Dunham (of course we’re starting with her) was on the cover of Vogue magazine in January, and not in an ironic way. It got all the lady bloggers of all the internets upset, too, because her picture was clearly touched up. The Girls creator has touted herself as an example of what real people look like, and the photo betrayed all that, they said. In other news, Dunham was given an award for best magazine cover ever.
Let your bowels take a vacation
It was not a good month to be on a boat. First, a Royal Caribbean cruise ship had to cut its tour short because some 700 crew and passengers got sick. Then, a Princess cruise ship had a similar outbreak. We’re not talking about a head cold going around on the ship–it was the norovirus. A sizable amount of people were enjoying their vacations either in their cabin bathrooms without ventilation, or heaving over the side. They say bad things come in threes, but sadly the Bud Light cruise ship at the Super Bowl wasn’t affected.
In case you’re not sick of him already Justin Bieber was arrested after police said he was drag racing in Miami while drunk and high, which is probably how everyone else in Miami drives in the first place. Bieber reportedly cried when he got arrested, and compared himself to Michael Jackson after posting bail. Between him and Toronto Mayor Rob Ford, it’s nice to see that Canadians can be just as big asses as Americans. Continue reading You Missed It: End of 2014 edition
Hello, reader. According to these notes from the nurse who just examined you, “Dr. Snee is a horse’s ass who never reads charts and just gives everyone antibiotics.”
Well, it looks like I’m a horse’s ass who can read, thank you Nurse Lattimer, and I’m prescribing you about six months’ worth of penicillin for what’s about to be a chronic case of Unemployment in This Job Market. (You can find that in the Big Doctor’s First Medical Picture Book under “E. tadick.”)
Why aren’t there any good Halloween songs coming out anymore? I get that “Thriller” may never be topped, but it feels like there’s a market for Halloween songs that just hasn’t been tapped in a long time. We have tons of scary sounding music from scary looking people, but nothing has really seemed to click in decades. Maybe musicians should do Halloween albums, rather than the crap they put out for the holidays. That’s the world I want to live in. If you were busy announcing a bunch of movies this week, odds are you missed it.
Sticking the landing
This week, a commercial rocket carrying supplies and scientific experiments exploded just six seconds into its launch at a NASA facility in Virginia. Officials say that the rocket was terminated when it was clear there was a problem that would keep it from reaching orbit, plus it’s fun to scare the crap out of the local wildlife.
Breaking out during an outbreak
Because of the paranoia surrounding the Ebola virus, there have been various quarantines put in place for any military or health workers coming back from African countries where the outbreak still exists. To protest the forced quarantine she was under in New Jersey, nurse Kaci Hickox made herself into a political pawn. She broke her quarantine, was sent home to Maine, and broke her quarantine there, too. She hasn’t shown symptoms of the virus yet, but karma hasn’t yet been reached for comment.
After years of talking about it, Paul Reubens announced that a third Pee-Wee Herman movie is in the works. Production is set to start early next year. Fans are excited at the news, because it’s long past time we traumatized the younger generation.
Halloween is here, and the good news is that it’s on a Friday this time around. That means that you can go out in public wearing your costume on your way to a party and not get any more looks from strangers than usual. The bad news is that it’s on a Friday this time around. That means you have to rush home from work (this assumes you have a job), eat, then don your costume and hope to make it to your festivities on time. Basically, you’re not going to have much time for a super-involved getup.
In a situation like that, you pretty much have to half-ass a costume. You’re just not going to have time to get into really complicated costume and get your makeup on and everything. This is how a woman feels every day, the difference is you don’t have to shave your legs, too.
Sorry we missed each other last week. I was busy spending my regular-sized weekend drinking beer and whitewater rafting. Not at the same time, though. That would have meant a lot of spilled beer. Although going over the rapids drunk probably would have enhanced the fun and maybe helped me to forget how cold it was. If you were busy being named the Ebola czar this week, odds are you missed it.
Sorry, bloody sorry
This week, Bono apologized to the world for pushing U2’s newest album into the faces of every iTunes user ever. The frontman said that the band didn’t mean any harm to the people who complained about getting something for free, they just wanted to make a big entrance with the new album. Now if he would apologize for his last decade of work.
How does that even come up in an interview?
Author John Grisham found himself in hot water this week when he said he thinks that courts should go easy on guys caught causally or accidentally viewing child pornography. He cited a friend who drunkenly downloaded pictures of girls who weren’t 18 yet but was caught and labeled a sex offender. Public outcry didn’t care for his position. Grisham apologized, saying, “Yes, I believe they deserved to die, and I hope they burn in hell!”
The ocean is broke
Actor Leonardo DiCaprio, named messenger of peace and master of the universe by the U.N., donated $2 million to the ocean this week. Big deal, that old lady donated priceless jewelry to the ocean at the end of Titanic. (Spoiler alert.)
The Jim Beam commercial with Mila Kunis is supposed to be sexy and make me want to buy bourbon (as if I didn’t already). It doesn’t really have that effect on me. In it, she tells the camera how awesome bourbon is while wielding hot and sharp metal objects, and brands one barrel of Jim Beam with her name. She then threatens the barrel that she’ll be back for it in four years. This doesn’t seem like the place for an expectant mother. Guess she doesn’t have to worry about that anymore. If you were busy announcing a Baywatch movie this week, odds are you missed it.
On the next episode of Dallas
The Ebola outbreak in Africa has killed hundreds and sickened far more in Africa. It’s the worst outbreak ever. But Americans were safe from the virus until a man in Dallas was diagnosed with it this week. He told doctors over a week ago that he was feeling sick and had traveled to Africa, but was sent home with antibiotics instead. Now about 100 people, including school children, are being watched after having contact with the man. Everything really is bigger in Texas, including the f*%#-ups.
In the line of fire
This week, Julia Pierson resigned from her post as Secret Service director following a recent batch of security lapses in her agency, including a crazy guy with a knife getting all the way to the East Room after jumping the White House fence. Her testimony before a Congressional committee and her resignation were translated by the crazy guy who made up sign language at Nelson Mandela’s funeral.
His eyes were glassy from pool water
Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps was arrested and charged with driving under the influence in Baltimore this week after police caught him speeding early Tuesday morning. The incident isn’t Phelps’ first run in with the law. It’s not even his first DUI. Because of his legal problems, his sponsorship deals have gone from Wheaties to Beerios.
Man, did you hear what George R.R. Martin said about his next book? There’s going to be more death. If you’re a fan of the books or the HBO show Game of Thrones, you’ll know that this is a huge spoiler, because no one ever dies. I can’t wait to see how this completely changes up the series, and then wait another seven years for the book after that. If you were busy dumping dumping water over your head only seconds after putting ice cubes in it this week, odds are you missed it.
The only positive news of the week
Two America humanitarian workers who contracted the Ebola virus were released from their respective hospitals after responding well to experimental treatments. They made headlines weeks ago when the federal government flew them back from Africa, where they had been treating sick people. Their families are said to be relieved that they have recovered, but not exactly in a hurry to welcome them back home.
Not able to Reid the room
Sen. Harry Reid issued an apology this week after making some racially insensitive comments while speaking at the Las Vegas Asian Chamber of Commerce. He jokingly said to the group something to the effect of how they aren’t all as smart as their stereotype would have us believe. Reid later said he was sorry for the comment, and that he “sometimes says the Wong thing.”
50 Cent sets an example for the kids
Boxer Floyd Mayweather has been challenged to read a book on Jimmy Kimmel Live. In a series of Instagram videos, rapper 50 Cent has been challenging Mayweather to read The Cat in the Hat to prove that he is in fact literate. Does anyone remember back when beefs were actually cool?
When did Shark Week become a national holiday? Discovery’s long-running TV “event” is at the point where it’s getting spoofed by other networks, and memes are being created to celebrate its arrival. For example, Comedy Central has been celebrating “Shart Week,” airing episodes of classic shows that revolve around poop gags, and there are quite a few. And of course we just had Sharknado 2. This year, it doesn’t seem like anyone cares about Discovery itself. Maybe that’s because they kicked things off with a huge lie last year. If you were busy preparing for two different hurricanes this week, odds are you missed it.
The biggest outbreak of the Ebola virus on record is upon us, with more than 1,000 confirmed cases, mostly in western Africa. Two American aid workers were among those to contract the virus. Both were flown back to the U.S., and are undergoing experimental treatments in Atlanta, because there’s no cure. The fact that the two stricken Americans were flown back to the U.S. for treatment drew ire from noted dumbasses like Donald Trump, and the hospital where the patients are being treated has even received threatening phone calls. Is there any chance we can aim this disease at just certain parts of humanity?
What would Jesus tweet?
This week, Pope Francis told a crowd of altar servers in Germany not to focus too much on their gadgets. Sure, technology is meant to improve our lives, but what it really ends up doing it causing a distraction from the world around us, he said. The altar servers nodded at the pope’s point, then went back to SnapChat.
The world waits because of a toddler
President Barack Obama was set to announce to the U.S. and the world, why he had ordered airstrikes on ISIS positions in Iraq, and how it totally wasn’t going to be another war, but his speech was put on hold Thursday night. Outside the White House, a toddler squeezed himself through the bars of the fence on the North Lawn and started running around. Secret Service officers secured the kid, but the White House was put on lockdown during the incident. It’s safe to assume that the boy and his family are now in Guantanamo Bay.