World to end on Saturday

Cancel your weekend plans — they aren’t going to happen, because it looks like the world is going to end on Saturday, Sept. 23.

The latest doomsday prediction comes from, you guessed it, a half-baked Christian fundamentalist group. And despite being wrong every time for the past two millennia, they’re sure they have it this time. We won’t bore you with the details, but it related to the positions of the Sun and some planets in relation to certain constellations (which aren’t Judeo-Christian in the first place), last month’s solar eclipse and a unique interpretation of the Book of Revelation.

Remember that non-existent dwarf planet Nibiru that was supposed to hit Earth back in 2012? Same prediction here, just a new date.

The prediction is being denounced as a hoax by pretty much any authority on Christianity you can find. Or maybe they just don’t want the masses to believe it so they can have a bigger yard in Heaven.

Stars align to stop car thief

There was a total solar eclipse that streaked across the U.S. yesterday. Perhaps you heard about it. Some called it breathtaking, others called it predictable. It helped stop at least one crime that we know of.

In Florida, of all places, police say they were following a 22-year-old man in a stolen car, when he stopped at a store. The suspect came back out with a welding mask so that he could watch the eclipse. It was then that he was arrested and charged.

Apparently welding masks aren’t safe for eclipse watching, but the guy should get leniency just for his outside-the-box thinking.

The eclipse is going to mess with animals

Take this weekend to prepare for the animal uprising. You will thank us later.

The solar eclipse that’s going to streak across the U.S. from Oregon to South Carolina on Monday is going to be quite a spectacle, but it may also be the sign for the animals to unite and attack us. Experts warn that the sun being blotted out by the moon could mess up some animals. From your pets to wild animals, especially ones that only come out at night, will probably start acting strange because it’s suddenly not day for a bit. Llamas line up, dolphins hang out on the ocean surface, dogs and cats living together — mass hysteria!

Because of this, it seems pretty likely that animals across the continent will take the eclipse as a sign to begin the revolution. Arm yourselves.

Eclipse watchers loading up on booze, weed

There’s a solar eclipse headed our way next month. It’s going to cut across the U.S. from Oregon to South Carolina. And like a full moon, it’s driving people crazy.

People are buying up hotel rooms and any other lodging accommodations they can to be in the path of the Aug. 21 solar eclipse. But they don’t want to just see it happen, the want to get loaded for it, too. In Oregon, locals are bracing for a rush of people coming to their area, and stores selling alcohol and marijuana are stocking up to meet their every need. The state liquor board predicts an 20 to 40% increase in sales, and some marijuana shops expect their sales to at least double.

So when the eclipse comes, it won’t just be the sun that’s blacked out.

Take it from Snee: Look out! The world’s ending!

Not really. You'd be spread out all over the place.

Way back in 1999, I understood that the world might end at 12 a.m., New Year’s Day, 2000. That made sense: computers would launch nukes to prevent the return of 1900.

I wasn’t entirely against it because, well, isn’t dying worth avoiding the Titanic, two world wars and disco? If I could trust a computer to provide my pornography, this was an easy decision on who to trust.

Unfortunately, I woke up in the newly-minted Year 2000.

It wasn’t unfortunate because straw hats and ragtime had returned, but because I was hung-over and on several husbands’ to-beat-up lists for hitting on their wives. (C’mon, the world was ending/I was 18.)

From January 1, 2000 and two Excedrin on, I lived. I went to school, helped start a Web site and got married. Little did I know that I did all this on borrowed time, that the world will end before I turn 30 … well, 32, and in one of several ways. Continue reading Take it from Snee: Look out! The world’s ending!