Drunk Americans keeping retail alive, study says

As a society, we should know that drinking and shopping is bad, but we don’t. We really, really don’t.

According to a recent survey, drunk Americans spend $30 billion a year in purchases. That works out to about $447.57 per drunky. That’s a lot of purchases to make in a year, under the influence or not.

So what are the smashed shoppers spending their money on? About half of the purchases are for food. The next most common purchases were on shoes, clothes and gambling. So basically, we buy stuff to sop up the booze we just drank, and then ladies go for shoes and clothes. No one gambles sober, so that’s just a wash.

So the next time you have a drink, ask yourself if you’re doing your part for the economy.

Hippies are ruining our economy

No, this is not hyperbole (at least, we can assume Sageworks feels that way). According to early research, it seems that the more haircuts that take place, the stronger the economy grows. When people take time off from cutting their follicles, the economy tends to plummet.

As we all know, hippies are the long-haired arch-nemesis of the haircut (and myself. And Bryan McBournie). We now have conclusive proof of the damage that they bring. Don’t be a hippie. Support your nation and get your ears lowered. You wouldn’t want to be unpatriotic, right Ryan (I say to my younger brother)?

Legal cock-up yields loophole for youngsters

The free market wins again! The cock-up of lawmakers is your gain, youngsters!

At least, if you live in Britain.

It’s always been considered illegal to sell adult-rated video games and movies to minors in the United Kingdom, ever since the Video Recordings Act of 1984. However, it’s been discovered today that the required paperwork was never put through properly, meaning that it’s actually been legal to sell adult entertainment to children for the past twenty-five years! In order for a law to be formally passed in the U.K., it has to be forwarded first to the European Union. Nobody ever actually did this when the law was drawn up over two decades ago, meaning it was never officially in place or legally enforceable.

What does this mean? Those who have already been convicted of an offense under the act will remain convicted, and can’t have their penalties/fines/sentences reduced. But those about to be prosecuted will be spared, at least until the government can enact “emergency legislation” to close the loophole. And in the meantime? Until said loophole is closed, it’s 100% legal for anyone, of any age, to buy anything. Movies, games, porn, doesn’t matter. Even if it’s media content that was previously banned in the U.K., until that emergency legislation is passed, it’s all good.

So, teenagers and pre-teens of the U.K., what are you waiting for? Hop to it and contribute to both the free market and your cerebral delinquency!

Government provides ‘cash for clunkers’

They make up 60% of every Autotrader. (20% are every Camaro ever made.)According to the Headline of the Day, the Cash for Clunkers government program helped Ford report their first gain in auto sales since November 2007.

In future news, the Cash for Clunkers program will run out of money again in two years when everyone trades in their 2009 Fords.

Sex, er, “love” continues to thrive in the economy

If there’s anything that countless amounts of incredibly fiction has taught us, it is that love conquers all. None can deny its power, or resist its clarion call. Love cannot be stopped. That goes for its hotels too, apparently. Love hotels, the home of Japanese lust and the way to spend a day (or just a few hours) are doing quite well. So well, in that some chains are considering expansion.

CNN interviewed Steve Mansfield, owner and operator of Isawa’s Bonita Hotel in Japan, who speaks of a 257 percent occupancy rate. That means that the average Bonita Hotel room is rented two-and-a-half times per day. And they aren’t cheap, either. Some of the higher-end rooms can cost roughly $200 a night (though rates run from just 3 to 24 hours), boasting jacuzzis, built-in saunas, TVs, video games and karaoke bars.

It’s hardly surprising. No matter the economic status, people still have needs to be met, and a love hotel can provide a taste of luxury, if even for just a few hours. Plus, some folks just use the hotels to, y’know, sleep in, a temporary place to stay if you’re too drunk to get home or missed the last train. Not a whole lot of them, mind you. We see you in the corner, with the shifty eyes. That’s right. We’re talking about you.

By the way, if you haven’t picked up on it yet, we’re talking about SEX, much like how the song Afternoon Delight talks about the carnal delight.

Money for nothing, check for free

In these harsh economic times (cliche point for me!), it’s not easy getting money. Nonetheless, here are simple steps to get a free dose of gubbament cheddar:

It’s that simple.

Put on your tin hats, kids. It’s conspiracy time. According to the government,

Social Security representatives said there is a good explanation. Of the about 52 million checks that have been mailed out, about 10,000 of those have been sent to people who are deceased.

That’s not a good reason. It’s an extremely costly reason. It’s also not the real reason. Everyone knows that the real reason is that the government is secretly attempting to fund a covert nation of zombies. Clearly.

How utterly despicable.

Staying G’d up is too costly

Like most businesses in Japan at the moment, the yakuza are also feeling the economic recession squeeze. The Japanese mafia has purged some of their ranks in an attempt to save themselves; like out of work yakuza Taro Hiramatsu. He said,

“The yakuza have been hit by the financial crisis because they’ve invested in the stock market among other things. For yakuza today, money buys everything, including senior positions.”

Meaning, no money, no job; and for him that would cost something like $30,000 a month to the organization. One of the reasons why the yakuza are in this situation, is because of their gradual evolution from street gangster to ‘investment bankers with guns’. In 1992 the police began to crack down on yakuza crimes, forcing their bosses to be liable for the crimes committed by their cannon fodder. After this, the yakuza began to pick on the big boys, extorting money from blue-chip companies and the like. They then began investing in stocks, real estate, and other things a normal business would invest in; thusly making them susceptible to the troubles of every-day men.

The only thing to save the yakuza now is to return to their roots and start getting their hands dirty once again. For the sake of all of us, they must! It’s the only way to save all of our vices in these harsh economic times!

It’s like the right hand and the left hand don’t know what either is doing

Yesterday, SeriouslyGuy’s very own Bryan McBournie stated that swine flu is exactly what the economy needs.

Global economic analysts would have you thinking otherwise.

We’ll stick with our guy, thank you. He’s more reliable — after all, he doesn’t have any pretentious abbreviations for spelling his name.

Take it from Snee: Decadence is the problem

I pass at least three of these a day in my Toyota Tacoma.

You ever notice how marketers get hooked on words or spellings? Like how everything got a “2000” after it in the ’90s to make it sound futuristic? Or anything beginning with “ex” was spelled with an “X” to remind you of snowboarders skydiving into a live volcano?

If Lever 2000, which is just f##king soap, and the X-wife that took one of your testicles in your divorce taught you anything, it’s that Madison Avenue is lined with useless professionals. By “useless professional,” I mean someone who wears a tie to an office where they produce nothing but email and post-lunch dumps.

This group, more than any, causes me to look at the English language and evaluate which words have been abused and twisted to the point that they no longer have meaning. I’ve termed this, “cleaning out the language gutters,” in the same spirit that Brazilians used to burn street orphans to “end poverty.”

(I may not actually solve problems with the English language, but at least I won’t have to look at the word anymore and think, “Why? Why didn’t I do something?!”)

This week, I’m looking at the latest word to have been chewed up by some undergrad yuppie and spit into our living rooms: decadence. Continue reading Take it from Snee: Decadence is the problem

They’re eating all of our mushable food!

In these dire economic times (we leave no dead horses unbeaten), you would think that women would look out for our nation’s best interests. Jobs are scarce, food is expensive and we don’t understand health care. The last thing we need is more babies.

But, what’s the latest numbers? 4,317,000 births in 2007 the highest since 1957 when America couldn’t stop pushing twin beds together.

Sure, some of you “ladies” out there will say, “But, The Guys, it was 2007! Stocks were at an all-time high! Even my newborn was in on the action!”

Shame on you, E-Trade Baby-Mama. Your lack of forsight has doomed us all. It’s called hindsight and it’s 20/20. Use it (and maybe a free clinic) next time.