Tag: economy

The McBournie Minute: My package is over-stimulated

Unless you have been walking around with your fingers iny your ears going, “La la la la la!” for the better part of a year (and if you are, how did you click on this?), you probably know that there’s something very, very bad with the economy right now. As any Republican will tell you, it’s all President Barack Obama’s fault, but as any Democrat will tell you, it’s all President George Bush’s fault, and Nancy Pelosi is really very nice in person.

So yes, there is a recession on, and it’s been on for a while now. Technically, it’s been on since the end of 2007, we just didn’t know it untul much later. In any case, consumers are scared. Maybe it’s that people keep losing their jobs, maybe it’s that the news media likes to keep showing scary graphics with loud noises, but there’s a panic.

In order to help us in this time of economic downturn (that’s what we’re calling it, right?), companies have launched ad campaigns that do their best to remind us that spending money on their goods/services is way more responsible than saving money. They all offer various “stimulus packages” like they think it’s funny. Midas has their own version for car maintenance, and that one may be an OK claim, because it saves money in the long run. Car companies, restaurants, you name it, they all have their own spin on it. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: My package is over-stimulated

Take it from Snee: Quit your job

Before I get started, I just want to wish everyone a happy National Grammar Day! If you are inclined to comment on the following article, please observe this holiest of days in the comments section by posting a coherent response. All failures to do so will be ridiculed to the point of suicide.

So I was waiting for a haircut when I witness this scene:

MAN walks into the shop.

MAN: Excuse me, when’s Shakira* working next?

HAIRCUTTER: I honestly have no idea. She hasn’t shown up for work that past two days.

MAN: Ah. OK.

*This name was changed to protect my failing memory.

I’d already heard of people quitting their jobs by just not showing up anymore. I always knew it said very little about that person’s intestinal fortitude, but that was their problem that they could ignore, hoping it goes away.

But, when I consider the problems our country faces these days, I couldn’t shake it off this time. Continue reading Take it from Snee: Quit your job

You Missed It: Just stopping by to say hello edition

Some believe in Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD), the medical theory that if one does not get enough sunlight, particularly for long periods of time like in the winter, you get depressed and/or irritable. Here we are at the end of February and you know what? I say screw you, SAD, I don’t believe in you! If you were busy winning an Academy Award this week, odds are you missed it.

And the Dow responded with a huge drop
On Tuesday night, President Barack Obama, addressed a joint meeting of Congress. It wasn’t a State of the Union address, the new president just hates Scrubs and everyone who watches it. In any case, during his speech, Obama laid out his plan for economic recovery, which includes not raising taxes for the vast majority of the country, and increased federal funding for projects. Also announced: federally mandated casual Fridays in offices across the U.S.

Brady earns another ring
New England Patriots Quarterback Tom Brady got married this week. (Sorry, Schools!) Brady and Brazilian model Gisele Bunchen were married in a small ceremony in California. Bunchen’s dogs were present for the ceremony, however, Brady’s kid was not. According to reports, Brady, seeing no passing lanes, sprinted down the aisle and slid before contact could be made.

It’s like Nick is coming right at me!
Have you been eagerly anticipating the Jonas Brothers’ movie? I know Chugs has. Jonas Brothers: 3D Concert Experience is now out in theaters today. According to reviews, it’s, well, the Jonas Brothers, in concert, and in 3D. So yeah, Disney did a good job naming this one. However, there is one big hole, you can get a 3D Jonas Brothers concert experience by going to one of their concerts.

This party pooper economy

If you’re reading this article at work, then you know economic times are tough. For the rest of you sitting at home, eating ramen while reading this, let us tell you that economic times are tough.

While some people worry about losing their jobs (they can’t lay you off if you quit), others are worried about something more serious: their parties.

Event planners are losing money this season because people won’t blow their extra money on full-out ragers, like bar mitzvahs and quinceañeras. (Ask a HombresSeriamentes reader.)

Even people with the means are scaling back their soirées, trying not to seem ostentatious to the poor schlubs they feed at their birthdays. They even ask event planners for deals on fancy dresses and convention halls.

Pro-tip:
1) Instead of paying an event planner at all, how about planning your own damn party? Better yet, talk to a college student. They’ll tell you everything you need for a party:

  • A keg
  • A deck of cards
  • An Xbox
  • Solo cups, ping-pong balls and a table

2) If you want to survive a recession, get a real job, event planners. The world needs event diggers, too.

Babies are depressing

As Congressional Democrats are trying to prove to the country, babies lead to depression, hence their provisions in the stimulus package for birth control education.

While most Republicans are scoffing at this notion, science has backed the Dems claim: the release of a placenta-produced corticotropin-releasing hormone (CRH) does, in fact, lead to post-partem depression.

Furthermore, once the baby is outside of the uterus, the depression becomes airborne, infecting other family members besides mom. The feces cause nausea, older brothers and/or sisters are no longer loved and Dad’s too frightened to ask for an HJ.

Every member of the family becomes a carrier of the baby and its depression, disrupting the bastions of American commerce:

  • Movies
  • Shopping Malls
  • Hospital Waiting Rooms (Pharmaceuticals)
  • Strip Clubs

Eventually, the entire economy grinds to a halt, all because of baby.

BREAKING NEWS: Is Jessica Simpson fat?

It’s been a scary new year so far. Between lost jobs, foreign wars, displaced maybe-P.O.W.s, equal pay for women and Presidential action figures with kung fu grip*, we’re fairly positive that we should have aborted the 2009 baby.

But, now it’s worse: Jessica Simpson may have gotten fat. Or she might be dressing like a mother of four. Verdict’s still out.

Either way, things were merely bad before the photo on the left. Now we’re seconds away from killing ourselves to save ourselves from what will most assuredly be the worst year in American history.

We’d like to thank to media for doing their part to tell us this awful, pants-wettingly terrifying news. They’ve demonstrated the brutal honesty you could only expect out of a close friend: a close friend that wants you to drown your children as they will inherit a stinky, mom-jeans-wearing morass we once called the United States.

*Special thanks to Groonk for this link.

The McBournie Minute: Here’s what you can get me, America

As the holidays creep closer, so does our impending economic doom. Last week we learned that the U.S. has been in a recession since December 2007 (surprise!), and we find more and more people are looking to save money this holiday season.

This is complete and utter crap.

I realize that the economy is the suck right now, some of my friends have even lost their jobs, but let’s not be so hasty and cancel Christmas. For one thing, it is important for you as a member of society to go out and spend money in the coming weeks, because our economy needs it. More importantly, if you know me, it is important you go out and spend money in the coming weeks on gifts for me, because the economy needs it. Spend as much as you like, America. I won’t mind. It’s just the typical selflessness I am known for. This time, I will just single-handedly save the economy. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: Here’s what you can get me, America

The McBournie Minute: We need more bailouts

For the past several weeks, Congress has been handing out money like candy on Halloween. (Technically, it’s been doing this since 1787, but let’s stick to today.) Banks, car manufacturers and the banks again have put on their best costumes and knocked on Congress’ door. Lawmakers have been only too happy to give what the executives want, mostly because they look so cute in their little outfits.

Since the Congressional lottery continues, I have come up with a few other things that are worth of billion-dollar bailouts. Should I ever be called to testify, I would be happy to make my case. Until then, this new device, this series of tubes will have to do. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: We need more bailouts

The barter system makes a comeback

Like every other major media outlet, SG has been bringing you the hard-hitting economy coverage you depend on. But much of our examination of the current economic crisis has been focused on its impact on Wall Street. Let’s head over to Main Street and see how things are there. (Stop after that: Sesame Street.)

In California, it’s getting so bad that stoners can’t even afford the triple bacon cheeseburgers they crave. Authorities arrested Shawn Alexander Pannullo, 27, after a McDonald’s employee complained that he tried to pay for his food with marijuana. Despite being a fast food worker, the employee declined the offer.

The re-emergence of the barter system, whether successfully implemented or not, is a sign of this nation’s struggling economy. It was commonplace during the Great Depression, and it even came back with Tears for Fears after the 1982 mini-crash.

How To: Find a new home

Are you panicking yet? You should be, because that’s what everyone else is doing. The government is buying out banks and other crap we don’t really understand, the stock market is jerking back and forth worse than Any Winehouse in rehab, and worst of all, executives are going on spa vacations! It’s a regular economic crisis.

If you own a home you bought in the past decade, odds are a lot of this problem has been caused by YOU. Yeah, thanks a lot, jerk. However, it is not just your fault for getting a crappy home loan, it is also the crappy loan company’s fault for giving you a crappy loan, and the crappy bank’s fault for buying the crappy loan.

Still awake?

Good, because what all this means is that you are getting evicted because the banks think you are freeloading and they are sick and tired of you middle class people thinking you can own things. So now that you’re out of a place to live, The Guys present how to find a new home. Continue reading How To: Find a new home