Santa Claus caught selling pot, molly

When the North Pole sends its people down here, it’s not sending its best.

Santa Claus, a rather large elf who probably has diabetes from all the cookies we give him, only works one night a year. That gives him a lot of time to do what he wants to do–like drive drunk or steal a helicopter. This time he was arrested in Florida.

According to authorities, Pere Noel was in Jacksonville, Florida selling marijuana, molly and ecstasy out of a U-Haul truck. Acting on a tip, police caught up to Saint Nicholas, who was in his trademark red suit with white furry trim (heh), probably just trying to make a quick buck on his side hustle. He tried to run when he saw the cops, but was foiled when his pants fell down and tripped him up.

Kids, Santa needs a belt this Christmas.

Drugs legal in Ireland for a day, now you can see leprechauns

This blog would never encourage you to do anything illegal. Which is why if you’re reading this in Ireland, stop immediately, and go do some drugs.

That’s right, thanks to a court ruling and a loophole in Irish drug laws, ecstasy, mushrooms, ketamine and other drugs are completely legal–until Thursday. An Irish judge has found one of the country’s biggest drug laws unconstitutional, which means that of the Class A drugs, which probably means most of the hard stuff, is temporarily legal.

Saint Patrick’s Day has come early for the Irish. In case you forget what’s legal on your way out to buy drugs, here’s a helpful song. (Last 30 seconds NSFW.)

More Jailonia than Stankonia

Devastating news has been revealed, friends. Devastating!

Big Boi of Outkast has been arrested! Now, here are the points to keep in mind:

1. He was arrested for illegal possession of drugs. That’s fairly gangster.
2. Said drug being illegally possessed was Viagra. Not so gangster.

Mind you, he was also charged with illegal possession of Ecstasy, so there’s that. I mean, in today’s culture, while not as street as crack, it shows a desire to diversify, and that’s smart.

But that’s not where the devastating news comes from. No, the devastating news is that clearly Big Boi has problems keeping his Southernplayalisticadillacmuzik up,as evidenced by him having possession of Viagra. Because that’s obviously the only reason for why he has it. Well, that or he pulmonary arterial hypertension. Which, in this case, might actually be more gangster.

Feeling the color yellow newest feature in Grand Theft Auto

A man purchasing two used Grand Theft Auto titles from a store in Gloucestershire, England, over the weekend got more than he bargained for, to the tune of four tablets worth of the drug ecstasy. On the black market, that’s what would be called making your money back and then some.

Richard Thornhill purchased two used Grand Theft Auto titles from a Gamestation store in Cheltenham on Sunday. Upon opening one of the game boxes, a cling-film packet dropped from between the pages of the game manual containing four ecstasy pills, which he promptly brought to the local police station. Thornhill isn’t too keen to think about what could have happened if his 12-year-old son or 16-year-old daughter had found the pills.

“I have two children and my son plays Xbox all the time. He could easily have opened the box and found them. I dread to think what the consequences would have been if he had. He is only 12. He could have died.”

Of course any 12-year-old should know not to eat random pills they find inside video game boxes, but that’s beside the point. The point (that isn’t nearly as important, in all honesty) being driven home is that Gamestation sold a man a video game with psychedelic drugs inside it. How does that happen? Gamestation said:

“We have rigorous procedures for accepting pre-owned titles and checking them before they are put back on sale. We have launched an immediate investigation and we will work closely with police to find out what happened in this instance.”

Of course, no one’s actually discussing why the father was buying a game that’s equivalent of an R-rated game for his teenage daughter or pre-teen son. Heaven forbid. However, anyone who has ever traded in a game at GameStop knows full well that they never, ever check the game manuals. One could theoretically print out a bunch of porn from the internet, wrap the game manual’s cover around it, trade in their used copy of Animal Crossing, and then wait for the headlines to appear. Not that I am suggesting anyone try that, of course.

Actually, I take that back. I am totally suggesting someone try that.*

Somewhere in Gloucestershire a raver is completely kicking themselves right now.

*SeriouslyGuys cannot be held responsible for whatever actions that you take.