Take it from Snee: Women are mysterious

In recent news, the smartest man on wheels, Stephen Hawking revealed that he, too, spends most of his time thinking about women. And I, for one, feel much better for knowing that, because I also find women to be “a complete mystery,” as Professor Hawking put it.

However, I am concerned because, again, if Stephen Hawking — the man who has informed our current understanding of black holes — has yet to unravel the mystery that is women, then what chance do we have of ever solving these riddles. Riddles like: Continue reading Take it from Snee: Women are mysterious

Working hard: very controversial

How'd a cactus end up in the classroom?According to the headlines,* President Barack Obama gave a very controversial speech today.

Rather than encouraging non-voters to support health care or elect more socialists this November, he had the audacity to encourage them to work hard in school this year and make good grades.

Great, just what white America needs: more minority presidents in the future.

*Note: At the time of publication, the headline was “President Obama delivers controversial speech.”

Teacher made us do it

My high school teachers went kind of like this: the over-eccentric science teacher, boring math teachers that clearly hated their job, social science teachers that spent more time being pregnant than in class and a computer teacher that lived up to our nickname for her (“Stinky”).

High school art teachers in Japan? Force teenagers to wear maid costumes. Hope you’re enjoying that thought, nerds.

The high school teacher from Odate, Akita Prefecture forced a female student to wear a maid’s costume and made other students take pictures of her. He put the pressure on a third-year student with a threat on her grades. If she didn’t wear a maid outfit during club activities, she would receive no academic credit for her language class. So the 18-year-old was forced to wear the outfit in school. The 51-year-old teacher made other students take pictures of her, too. Clearly, it was all done for photographic purposes to demonstrate the figure and form of the human body.

Clearly.

The best education is counterfeit education

Over the years, many tools have been used to educate the masses. Books. Pamphlets. Videos. Mascots. Concerts. Now, we get to add another aspect into such an honored group. A gathering of people in the Ukraine has been passing out fake Euro bills with just the most adorable little prostitutes cleverly hidden in the design, all in the hopes of educating women so that they won’t choose to become that which is on their fake money.

No, really.

Seriously. The unnamed group (though it could be understood if one thought the group in question was the Ukranian government) is attempting to end the illegal tactic of prostitution through the use of illegal counterfeit Euros. Wrap your head around that while realizing that in Europe, apparently, two wrongs do make a right.

Rest assured: OSU grads are on the case

NBC’s Brian Williams, who took yet more time off from not reporting real news, delivered a commencement address to Ohio State University in Columbus graduates. He used his podium time to give college students a job: fixing the United States.

Williams claimed that “there is nothing wrong with America that someone from Ohio State can’t fix.” He then laid out the main areas of focus: “energy, politics, diplomacy, science, education, military, transportation,” and climate.

Williams set them loose with a “Go get ’em, OH!” (The graduates, in fact, remained seated until their hangovers cleared up.)  At this very moment, all of these problems will now be addressed by countless OSU graduates with degrees in Communications, Marketing and Literature.

“Well, it gives me something to do while I look for a real job over the next year,” said Artie Muskegee, a graduating OSU Music Therapy student.

Justified Lawsuit of the Day

A 15-year-old is suing his his school. Not because he was sexually abused, not because he was racially discriminated against, not because he feels his teachers are not holding up to their end of the unspoken education contract. No, he’s suing because he was woken up.

Vinicios Robacher was sleeping in class when his iron-fisted teacher slammed her hand down on his desk. Robacher is suing, claiming to have suffered ear damage from the loud noise made close to his ear. And well he should. For far too long we have allowed educators to keep our nation’s sleepy youth conscious. They forget these kids are up all night doing important things like text messaging, giggling on the phone or the occasional “sleepover” that involves alcohol.

Our children need their rest!

On education: it’s time for another abstract war

100% of the drug abusers who have sex with this teacher (left) are students receiving an education. 

Education in this great nation of ours (the United States for the benefit of our foreign readers) has descended into a spiral of moral and institutional decay. New math has proven fruitless, D.A.R.E. has been rejected and teachers everywhere are having sex with students.

What is the culprit in all of these situations? Education.

Notice, if you will, a disturbing trend:

  • 100% of the developers of new math received education. Furthermore, their method was published and marketed by a university that may or may not sell education.
  • D.A.R.E. is co-cordinated by educators. 100% of D.A.R.E. attendees are students, and 100% of those students that use drugs went to school (read: education).
  • 100% of educators found guilty of sexual misconduct with students received some degree of education. 100% of all students who were sexually abused by their teachers met their antagonists in an educational environment.

In short, it’s time to take off the kid gloves, folks. Education is the cause of all of our society’s ills, including education. As impractical as it may seem, it is time to start another war: The War on Education.