Jesus may have gotten booty, put a ring on it

In keepin’ with today’s Talk Like A Pirate celebration, ye might be thinkin’ that Jesus isn’t what you call “piratical.” But, he drank, hanged out on fishing boats and healed cripples, albeit it not with pegs and hooks.

So, with his pirate credentials smartly established, let’s look at his wife.

What vexes ye? Oh, ye didn’t know about Jesus’ wife? That’s because some university researchers just discoverrred an Egyptian text that makes reference to her. Feast yer deadlights on our Coptic copy right here:

“Jesus said to them, ‘Take the parable of my wife … please! Ha ha, just kidding, but seriously …'”

If it’s true and Jesus was married, then one thing’s fer certain: there be a ton of priests smacking their foreheads this morn’, wonderin’ why they’ve been buggering lads the whole time.

Take it from Snee: Pros and cons of surviving 2011

Whenever I approach a new year, I like to take stock of what I survived. I like to think of myself less as a time traveler stuck in forward linear motion at an uninterruptible rate and more of a time warrior, cleaning out the runners of my time sword as I prepare to skewer another year.

So, here’s an entirely subjective list of what went right and wrong in 2011 before greeting Bolon Yokte as an old friend at midnight, Jan. 1. Continue reading Take it from Snee: Pros and cons of surviving 2011

Take it from Snee: Wherein I solve the world’s problems

Doo-doo is not a word I normally use in this column, but you know what? I just can’t argue with world affairs experts. The world is mired in deep, throbbing doo-doo. (Doo-doo is sex, right? That’s what kids mean when they shorten it to “doing it,” right?)

The worst part is that many of the solutions we’ve tried along the way — invading countries, adding a pinch of jasmine to revolutions, giving equal television time to aging white Republican voters and college-aged white Democrat voters (for once) — it’s all made everything worse.

But, you know what nobody’s tried, not even once? Asking me what to do. And even though that still hasn’t happened — not even after I saved the U.S. space program — I presume it’s because asking now would seem prompted.

Sit back, and let another white male take a crack at this s#@t. Continue reading Take it from Snee: Wherein I solve the world’s problems

Between the Rock and a hard drink

UCLA archaeologists uncovered the world’s oldest winery, stretching humanity’s history with crunk juice all the way back to 4000 BC now. The ancient Armenian wine was believed to be used for funerals, usually held daily between 5 and 8 pm. It is believed to have evolved into “Happy Hour” once hygiene was invented.

But, that’s not the real story.

Every so often, the real story gets buried in the later paragraphs. Say, story, what was the oldest use of grape seeds before this discovery?

“The oldest previous evidence of grape seeds and other organic materials dates to around 3150 BC and was found in the tomb of the Egyptian king Scorpion I.”

That’s right: there really was a Scorpion King. And here we thought that was the most ridiculous of all the Mummy films.

Oh, the emails we’re going to get

Don’t get us wrong: American racists are some of the finest racists in the world. Sure, Mel Gibson carries most of the team like Michael Vick in the Iditarod, but a ring is a ring, right? So, know that we’re not dissing our ignorant, homegrown bigots.

That said: When it comes to racism, there are racists, and then there are paranoid, delusional racists.

It takes a special level of irrational hatred to believe that the Hebrews next door are attacking your homeland with birds and fish. Not only is it absurd to think that anyone has that kind of Beastmaster control over animals, but that condor doesn’t even look Jewish.

Aim for their weakspot!

Sharks. They’re not nice at all. In 1975, they prevented us from going out into the ocean for more than anyone would like thanks to a fairly accurate documentary. They’re consistently the go-to subject for the SyFy (and Sci-Fi) Channel’s Monster Movie of the Week, thus encouraging an age of horrid and trite film making. Let’s be honest, they’re essentially the bears of the sea.

Luckily, their reputation may not be the only thing that they share with the animals. A Serbian man was lounging around the beach in Egypt when he decided to go for a dip. Understandable enough given where he is, not as good given that he was reportedly so inebriated that he doesn’t actually remember the details of the story. Nonetheless, according to a friend of his, after jumping off board, he then managed to land on a shark. Drunken trajectory math is the best, because he landed on the shark’s head, killing it instantly.

We like to think that sharks share the weakness of the schnozz with bears, and that their entire head is one big nose. It’s about time someone put those monsters in their place.

That oughta show ’em

If you’re a guy, you probably don’t want to read this.

Love can make you do some crazy things, it can make you lose track of logic, and in some cases, it can also make you a little impulsive.

A 25-year-old man in Egypt tried for two years to convince his parents to let him marry a girl from a lower-class family. For him, love did not conquer his parents, so he did something that may seem a little rash. To get back at his parents, he heated up a knife and cut off his own penis. Have fun trying to concentrate this morning after hearing that one.

They’re after our royalty!

Looking to get away from all the swine flu stories and gross overreaction by foreign governments —

(Killing all your pigs? Really, Egypt? And you, Hong Kong, boarding up a hotel so the guests can’t get out? It’s the flu.)

— Americans have returned their focus to what they really love: European royalty.

Yes, only 233 years after we told our own reigning monarch to go … govern himself, we’re caught up in the drama of an attempted car attack on the Dutch royal family on Queen Day. The driver, Karst Tates, had lost his job as a security guard and just turned in the key to the apartment he could no afford the rent for when he decided to ram the Queen with his Suzuki.

Now, we’re not saying he was justified, but maintaining a royal family with tax dollars — even a modest one — in an economic crisis? We’re not saying Tates was right, but we understand.

Wii would like a jail cell

Mohamed Zeki Mahjoub is an Egyptian who received political asylum in Canada, and then was imprisoned as a terror suspect for his close ties to Osama bin Laden’s business and other unsavory folks. After six-and-a-half years in “Guantanamo North” (what do they do, poutine-board you?), he got his release, but a judge imposed some strict requirements on him, still finding him to be a risk to Canadian national security.

Among them: no Internet access. Since the Wii has a connection and a browser on board, bye-bye Mario Kart! Somehow, despite Nintendo’s super-junked up online code system, it’s theoretically possible to send a message to fellow terrorists. The authorities confiscated the console.

Mahjoub says that this, along with other onerous conditions of his release, has destroyed his family life, so he’s asked to be returned to the prison Canada set up in Ottawa to house terror suspects.

Nintendo: making the world better for possible terrorists, one Mii at a time.