Walk like an Egyptian amputee

“Wiggle your big t — oh.”

So, this is pretty cool. Archaeologists found a 3,000-year-old fancy prosthetic big toe in the Sheikh ´Abd el-Qurna tomb in Egypt back in 1997. After studying it, they found that it is remarkably advanced, being able to hold up body weight, flex and help the person it was fitted to walk relatively normally.

It also let the ancient one-percenter daughter of a priest continue wearing flip-flops, demonstrating the world’s oldest recorded case of #firstworldproblems. (Technically, this would be a #newkingdomproblem, amiright?)

So, good news if you need to fake your own ransom for money, time-travelling Bunny Lebowski.

You Missed It: Close shave edition

It's taken me years, but I finally found an excuse to post this.
It’s taken me years, but I finally found an excuse to post this.

People are all freaked out today that the company that owns SkyMall is filing for bankruptcy protection. I find this pretty baffling. First, because “filing for bankruptcy protection” isn’t a synonym for “going out of business.” Secondly, because it’s like not catalogs or any other form of printed periodicals have done very well in the last 15 years. And finally, have you every bought any of the junk they peddle? That’s why they’re hurting for cash. If you were busy making comebacks at lawmakers this week, odds are you missed it.

King Tut gets a makeover
This week, it was announced that the beard of King Tut’s famed golden burial mask was broken off and reattached with epoxy during cleaning sometime last year. The job was clearly rushed, and used the wrong type of adhesive was used. There’s now a gap between Tut’s chin and his beard, and Egyptian Museum officials worry some of the damage is permanent. To be fair, he’s been sporting the same look for over 3,000 years. It’s about time it was updated.

Debategate
The New England Patriots are going to the Super Bowl, but the media needs something to talk about to fill the two weeks until the big game. Enter the Indianapolis Colts. The team complained that the Patriots were using footballs that were underinflated, a violation of the rules, and a subsequent investigation found 11 of 12 Patriots balls weren’t filled to regulation minimums. Sports media, known for being level-headed, have called for coach Bill Belichick and quarterback Tom Brady to be suspended from the Super Bowl over rule about ball inflation that no one has ever cared about. The balls have been suspended for two games.

Company foolishly picks fight with Liam Neeson
This week, actor Liam Neeson was criticized for his comments about guns in the U.S., which is to say that he said anything about them. Neeson said that gun culture here has gotten out of hand, and that there are too many guns in America. Coming from a guy who’s been in a few action movies, this can sound a little odd, but reasonable. Still, PARA USA, the gun supplier for Taken 3, has called for a boycott of the new movie. This is where the firearm debate has led us: a man who glorifies guns in his movies says guns are glorified, and the gun industry, which suffers from a persecution complex anyway, tells people not to go see a movie that glorifies guns because the guy who glorifies them says guns are glorified.

Federal agents nab mummy trying to smuggle ivory

If you get frustrated with airport delays, you’re certainly not the only one. Everyone alive suffers through them, and now, the dead do, too.

The mummy of a girl from ancient Egypt has been delayed at Miami International Airport on its way to a Florida museum exhibit. Aside from not having her passport on her, the girl is being held up by federal authorities because of restrictions on ivory imports. There are several pieces of ivory boxed with the mummy, and that’s not really encouraged.

We shouldn’t be importing mummies in the first place. Who knows what else they’re trying to smuggle in?

Egypt unleashes new caustic weapons on U.S.

"As you can clearly see, President Obama, I am rubber. And the U.N. has declared that you are, in fact, glue."
“As you can clearly see, President Obama, I am rubber. And the U.N. has declared that you are, in fact, glue.”

Just when the world thought we could rule out Egypt from starting sh*t with the U.S., their Foreign Ministry dropped what may be the nation’s first snark bomb. They urged U.S. security forces in Ferguson, Mo. to “exercise restraint” in dealing with protests after local police reportedly shot an unarmed Michael Brown six times, twice in the head.

U.S. State Department officials are examining Egypt’s weapon of farcical intent to determine the severity of their sarcasm. This investigation includes learning whether the bomb-maker simply read the U.S. government’s 2013 warning to President Abdel-Fattah el-Sissi in a whiny voice and if there are any hidden implications about our moms.

Va. man declares own country in Africa

All hail Jeremiah Heaton, king of a little-known region between Egypt and Sudan!

A man in a small Virginia town near the North Carolina line has declared himself the rightful ruler of some land in Africa, no doubt securing it for centuries of his dynasty to come. He made his own flag and traveled to the region, which has been claimed by both Egypt and Sudan, but ruled by no one for roughly 100 years.

He said the fact that he planted his flag in Bir Tawil means that it’s his. And thusly, he has declared his daughter a princess. So in a few years when you hear about Princess Sophie ruling her land as a despot, an all-to-common tale for the region, you’ll know where the trouble began.

King Tut apparently died happy

Welcome to 2014, everyone. We’re happy to be here with you as civilization continues to crumble around us. So, what do we have to kick off the new year here at SG? How about King Tut’s erect penis?

Apparently, scientists have known that King Tutankhamun was mummified with his sphinx at full salute, but they just didn’t like to talk about it, because some blogs out there would probably make fun of it. A new study claims that the stiff’s stiffy, and other irregularities with his mummification were actually done to make him look more like the god Osiris, to help stave off a religious revolution.

Now that’s a purpose.

The McBournie Minute: For the sake of society, don’t poop there

When you think about it, its pretty amazing that people formed societies and norms that we all live by. For thousands of years, we all just agreed to a set of rules, and just sort of built on it from there. I may not be an expert on the formation of ancient cultures, but I’m pretty sure that the first thing you have to do to establish a society is agree where to and where not to relieve yourself.

Historians have said that the Nile River and its fertile flood plains were a chief factor in the rise of ancient Egypt. But really, it was probably more that they established rules against pooping in the river if you were upstream of the larger cities. Before plumbing came along, it was completely normal in Western society to relieve yourself in a bucket, then dump it into the street directly outside your window (or pay someone to do that for you).

Today we’re more civilized, but it looks like that could be coming to an end. The fundamentals of our society are coming apart. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: For the sake of society, don’t poop there

GFC: Gaza Fried Chicken

When you get really hungry, there’s nothing like fast food. It’s universal. So when Palestinians get hungry after a long day’s work of throwing rocks at Israeli tanks, naturally, they get a hankerin’ for some downhome country cookin’. That’s why KFC is one of the more popular things to smuggle into the Gaza Strip.

Just call up al-Yamama (don’t laugh, we’re trying to be culturally-sensitive here), a fast-food smuggling service. The food starts frying at a KFC 35 miles away in Egypt, and in just three short hours, the food is delivered to your door by way of a tunnel system.

The Colonel has officially been drafted into a war he never asked for.

Jesus may have gotten booty, put a ring on it

In keepin’ with today’s Talk Like A Pirate celebration, ye might be thinkin’ that Jesus isn’t what you call “piratical.” But, he drank, hanged out on fishing boats and healed cripples, albeit it not with pegs and hooks.

So, with his pirate credentials smartly established, let’s look at his wife.

What vexes ye? Oh, ye didn’t know about Jesus’ wife? That’s because some university researchers just discoverrred an Egyptian text that makes reference to her. Feast yer deadlights on our Coptic copy right here:

“Jesus said to them, ‘Take the parable of my wife … please! Ha ha, just kidding, but seriously …'”

If it’s true and Jesus was married, then one thing’s fer certain: there be a ton of priests smacking their foreheads this morn’, wonderin’ why they’ve been buggering lads the whole time.