It’s a trap, older ladies!

The Transportation Security Administration has announced that it will ease up screening procedures on seniors aged 75 and above. Much in the same way they’ve done for kids 12 and under, TSA will no longer force the elderly to remove their shoes or outerwear at security checkpoints, and they will now be able to opt out of pat-downs provided they submit to a second no-touch screening.

But, just when TSA thinks they’ve found a way to improve their perception problem, they introduce a whole new one: passenger ages will be determined by a screener’s visual assessment. Unless … maybe it’s a trap to compliment grandmas, like carding older ladies for booze?

A positively awful plan

An elderly woman is “an undisclosed amount of cash” richer and possibly on a shopping spree of undisclosed size in Colorado!

She robbed a Wells Fargo bank by handing the teller a note that said she would give her AIDS unless she forked over anywhere from 1 to infinity dollars. She sold the act by coughing frequently and wearing a train conductor’s cap, indicating she may have made love to a filthy train hobo.

The joke’s on that teller, though: everyone knows that people with AIDS don’t live to be elderly!

We’ll cure that four hour erection now

The pharmaceuticals industry has changed the way we view old age. Old men used to be creepy; now they’re creepy with boners.

As a result of Generation Viagra, women have fallen behind. While the average 55-year-old woman can remain sexually active for an additional 11 years, the average 55-year-old clinically-induced chubbie will continue to hump her leg until the undertaker forcibly restrains him.

If you thought that was bad enough, the fastest growing age group with STDs are the elderly. (Your grandmother apparently prefers to “ride bareback.”)

So, think about that next time you’re visiting older relatives.

Old people kill the darndest things

I must warn you: this is an old story.

We’ve seen many a story here on SG involving the death of people, but rarely do we see a story with a discrepancy in age this close to each other.

Or, for that matter, when the persons involved are a 98 year old and a centenarian.

Laura Lundquist is accused of killing her 100 year old roommate, Elizabeth Barrow, over a table.

Barrow complained that the table obstructed her path to the bathroom, authorities said. When a nurse’s aide moved it, Lundquist punched the aide and grumbled that her roommate “might as well have the whole room,”

Because, you know,98 year olds are known for their devastating arm strength. We give the story two months before ABC revises their “Horrors of Nursing Homes” 20/20 report to include this new “shocking revelation.”

Take it from Snee for Christmas, Hanukah, etc.

Halloween is less than a week into the ground, which means that it’s already Christmas in the malls and strip clubs of America. (Sure, they say “holidays,” but the only store with blue lights is K-Mart.) Why do they start so early? Because some people actually buy gifts that early. Crazy, I know?

The rest of us wait until the last minute because, well, giving isn’t about me. The only thing I give on a regular occasion is this column. But, as I mentioned before, I’m trying to be a better person … at least until I get my presents. So, in this vein, I’m trying to say that it is always better to give than receive, even if the other person doesn’t really want it.

What I’m talking about are gifts that make you feel good for giving them, but the receiver never wanted.  Call ‘em gag gifts or messages, who cares? You gave, and now you feel better. Continue reading Take it from Snee for Christmas, Hanukah, etc.

Ah, the *old* fight about smoking

If there’s one group more discriminated against than tattooed people, it’s smokers.

Smokers are steadily getting up in arms — once they catch their breath — and speaking out against the new federal cigarette tax hike. The increased tax requires tobacco compaines to pay the U.S. government an additional 61.6 cents for every pack sold, effectively raising the price of a carton by $6.16.

Most of the complaints come, of course, from elderly people who have either beaten the odds of contracting — or continue to smoke in spite of — health problems.

They’re responding in typical old-personly-fashion: by boring young reporters to death …

“Larry Jukes said he remembers when he could buy 10 cigarette packs for $2.50.”

… and through guilt …

“‘I think it’s ridiculous. … They’re picking on smokers,’ [83-year-old Gloria] Egger said at the Denver store, where she bought two cartons Tuesday. ‘I think they’re trying to run the tobacco companies out of business.'”

… and by making vague, impotent threats to “them.”

“‘As old as I am, I’m not going to quit smoking, regardless of what they do,'” Egger said.

What will President Obama, a smoker who signed the tax into law, do?

Take it from Snee: My friends are emotionally needy

Or, 25 Things About Me

I’ve been successfully ignoring Facebook for nigh-on three months when I start getting emails about friends tagging me in notes. As an Internet celebrity, that makes me nervous: who knows what my friends are saying about me when writing 25 things about themselves?

Imagine my surprise to find they had written not a got-milked thing about me! (Are you angry? Good imagining!)

So, as a service to you readers (especially the angry ones), here are 25 things about me: Continue reading Take it from Snee: My friends are emotionally needy

Don’t let Alzheimer’s dampen the holidays!

As the holidays that don’t involve bobbing for little bottles of liquor approach, those of you with elderly relatives may encounter some memory loss (that, once again, doesn’t involve little bottles of liquor).

While Alzheimer’s means that your mom or dad might not recognize you, that doesn’t mean they want to be bored with the same old reintroductions to their bastard grandchildren. Give them the life they’ve always wanted — you know, before you were born.

1) Total Recall: “What do you mean you want to go to Mars,Grandpa? Mars is terrible. How about a nice tour of the rings of Saturn?” Then have your mom try to kill him with a cooking knife. The fun starts when Grandpa’s WWII training kicks in.

2) The Bobby Darin Story: Convince your grandmother that she is your mother and that your mother is actually your sister. Bonus points if you don’t tell your mom whats going on.

3) Clue: It’s murder! And your Aunt doesn’t remember killing the butler in the library with the rope … until you arrange the clues so they point to her.

4) The Alzheimer’s Game: Convince a suggestible older relative that they’ve entered the early stages of dementia by having the entire family reminisce about things that never happened. Will they catch on by Christmas? That’s the Alzheimer’s Game!

Alcoholism–bringing families together and being paid for it

Drinking with your own dad? Awkward. Drinking with someone else's? Not as much.Homer Simpson one gave a toast, claiming “To alcohol–the cause and solution for all of my problems.” Seemingly, the first part of that is normally true, as more often than not, how regularly do you hear of drunk drivers? Is it unusual to see that shirtless dude on COPS holding two or six empty beer bottles while having a dialogue with the local law enforcement? Do you enjoy hitting anything and everything after having a sip of the spirits?

Well guess what, alcohol is now fixing things! Case in point–a London man put out an ad asking for a jovial fellow to be paid to drink with his dad. The recipient of the job (a dream for many, including The Guys) gets paid for their time, plus expenses. Brilliant! The lucky gentleman to acquire the task actually turned out to be two lucky gentlemen … and Mike Hammond, the son in question, couldn’t be happier.

“Dad’s now going to be going down to the pub several times a week–three with his new friends and twice with me. I want to give him some of his old life back.”

Alcohol, fixing a family for every eight that it’s broken.