So, take a good look at your doctor. Are they rugged? Chisel-featured? Do they have a lower voice and a penis? Then you could do better, friend. Especially since part of the problem may be that your macho physician is “mansplain-ing” your symptoms and treatment options away rather than communicate, properly diagnose you and develop a treatment plan that addresses all of your needs.
Unfortunately, you’re less likely to find a doctor who isn’t a dude-bro. Only one-third of practicing doctors are ladies — which makes male doctor’s death rates look even worse.
No, our only choice is to geld our doctors until more women take over our hospitals. It’s either Dr. Sexy or Grandpa — your choice, America.
Legally, spring is here, even if it’s still snowing in some parts of the country. And that means our deadly foes are waking up from their long winter’s naps and plotting our destruction once more. Now they’re after our elderly.
In New York City, a squirrel broke into an 89-year-old man’s house undetected. She then burrowed into his couch and had babies. Since it was his house, and the squirrel had failed to ask permission to enter, much less give birth there, the old man began forcibly removing the squirrel family, when the mother attacked him.
Luckily, he fought off the tree rat and was treated at a nearby hospital. The squirrels have a date with the exterminator.
The Transportation Security Administration has announced that it will ease up screening procedures on seniors aged 75 and above. Much in the same way they’ve done for kids 12 and under, TSA will no longer force the elderly to remove their shoes or outerwear at security checkpoints, and they will now be able to opt out of pat-downs provided they submit to a second no-touch screening.
But, just when TSA thinks they’ve found a way to improve their perception problem, they introduce a whole new one: passenger ages will be determined by a screener’s visual assessment. Unless … maybe it’s a trap to compliment grandmas, like carding older ladies for booze?
She robbed a Wells Fargo bank by handing the teller a note that said she would give her AIDS unless she forked over anywhere from 1 to infinity dollars. She sold the act by coughing frequently and wearing a train conductor’s cap, indicating she may have made love to a filthy train hobo.
The joke’s on that teller, though: everyone knows that people with AIDS don’t live to be elderly!
The pharmaceuticals industry has changed the way we view old age. Old men used to be creepy; now they’re creepy with boners.
As a result of Generation Viagra, women have fallen behind. While the average 55-year-old woman can remain sexually active for an additional 11 years, the average 55-year-old clinically-induced chubbie will continue to hump her leg until the undertaker forcibly restrains him.
Laura Lundquist is accused of killing her 100 year old roommate, Elizabeth Barrow, over a table.
Barrow complained that the table obstructed her path to the bathroom, authorities said. When a nurse’s aide moved it, Lundquist punched the aide and grumbled that her roommate “might as well have the whole room,”
Because, you know,98 year olds are known for their devastating arm strength. We give the story two months before ABC revises their “Horrors of Nursing Homes” 20/20 report to include this new “shocking revelation.”
Halloween is less than a week into the ground, which means that it’s already Christmas in the malls and strip clubs of America. (Sure, they say “holidays,” but the only store with blue lights is K-Mart.) Why do they start so early? Because some people actually buy gifts that early. Crazy, I know?
The rest of us wait until the last minute because, well, giving isn’t about me. The only thing I give on a regular occasion is this column. But, as I mentioned before, I’m trying to be a better person … at least until I get my presents. So, in this vein, I’m trying to say that it is always better to give than receive, even if the other person doesn’t really want it.
If there’s one group more discriminated against than tattooed people, it’s smokers.
Smokers are steadily getting up in arms — once they catch their breath — and speaking out against the new federal cigarette tax hike. The increased tax requires tobacco compaines to pay the U.S. government an additional 61.6 cents for every pack sold, effectively raising the price of a carton by $6.16.
Most of the complaints come, of course, from elderly people who have either beaten the odds of contracting — or continue to smoke in spite of — health problems.
They’re responding in typical old-personly-fashion: by boring young reporters to death …
“Larry Jukes said he remembers when he could buy 10 cigarette packs for $2.50.”
… and through guilt …
“‘I think it’s ridiculous. … They’re picking on smokers,’ [83-year-old Gloria] Egger said at the Denver store, where she bought two cartons Tuesday. ‘I think they’re trying to run the tobacco companies out of business.'”
… and by making vague, impotent threats to “them.”
“‘As old as I am, I’m not going to quit smoking, regardless of what they do,'” Egger said.
What will President Obama, a smoker who signed the tax into law, do?
I’ve been successfully ignoring Facebook for nigh-on three months when I start getting emails about friends tagging me in notes. As an Internet celebrity, that makes me nervous: who knows what my friends are saying about me when writing 25 things about themselves?
Imagine my surprise to find they had written not a got-milked thing about me! (Are you angry? Good imagining!)
As the holidays that don’t involve bobbing for little bottles of liquor approach, those of you with elderly relatives may encounter some memory loss (that, once again, doesn’t involve little bottles of liquor).
While Alzheimer’s means that your mom or dad might not recognize you, that doesn’t mean they want to be bored with the same old reintroductions to their bastard grandchildren. Give them the life they’ve always wanted — you know, before you were born.
1) Total Recall: “What do you mean you want to go to Mars,Grandpa? Mars is terrible. How about a nice tour of the rings of Saturn?” Then have your mom try to kill him with a cooking knife. The fun starts when Grandpa’s WWII training kicks in.
2) The Bobby Darin Story: Convince your grandmother that she is your mother and that your mother is actually your sister. Bonus points if you don’t tell your mom whats going on.
3) Clue: It’s murder! And your Aunt doesn’t remember killing the butler in the library with the rope … until you arrange the clues so they point to her.
4) The Alzheimer’s Game: Convince a suggestible older relative that they’ve entered the early stages of dementia by having the entire family reminisce about things that never happened. Will they catch on by Christmas? That’s the Alzheimer’s Game!