Coup averted: Dog cannot run for governor in Kansas

Today is a big day. Today our faith was reaffirmed in the system and its ability to keep us safe from our enemies, the animals. A dog cannot run for governor in Kansas.

Hutch the dog applied to run for governor of Kansas last weekend. Rather, the humans he controls filled out the paperwork for him. And this week the Kansas Secretary of State’s Office ruled that Hutch cannot run because he would not be able to carry out the responsibilities of such a position.

Obviously, an animal takeover of our democratic process is the greatest threat to our country today. We have a glimpse into the hell that a Hutch administration would look like His campaign managers said Hutch planned on naming his sister and brother lieutenant governor and secretary of state. Nepotism much?

Francis I: A New Pope

Were the Italians trying to kill Pope Francis by flooding the Vatican with smoking, knowing that he only has one lung?
Were the Italians trying to kill Pope Francis by flooding the Vatican with smoke, knowing that he only has one lung?

The conclave is over and Catholics have a new pope: Argentinian Jorge Bergoglio, now known by Francis I — shut up, guys. Francis is totally a guy’s name.

Now that Pope Benedict XVI has been replaced, the Guys want to assure Pope Francis that Ben was just our practice pope. We were younger when that guy got elected. You probably wouldn’t have even liked us back then, when we’d basically make fun of any dude in a white robe and red shoes.

So, yes, we’re glad he was elected … unlike those pesky Italians who congratulated God for electing Italian Cardinal Angelo Scola of Milan at the first sign of white smoke. Good thing Frank is of Italian descent  and from the most European country in South America, otherwise he might have something to worry about.

Let’s just say the Romans get a little stabby when leadership doesn’t go their way, especially around mid-March.

Once an astronaut, always an astronaut?

The Sacramento Superior Court ruled Thursday that Jose Hernandez, a former NASA astronaut who served for two weeks aboard the International Space Station, can list himself as an astronaut on California’s primary election ballot. His occupation listing was challenged by “a Sacramento law firm with ties to top state Republicans,” who maintain that since Hernandez hasn’t been in space or NASA since January 2011, that being a rocket man is no longer his primary occupation.

Considering that only 327 Americans have gone into space since 1961 — and because he is probably a carrier of Space Madness (which we’ve previously warned about) — we’re pretty sure he’s considered an astronaut for the rest of his life. Besides, check out his Wikipedia page: Jose Hernandez (astronaut).

After all, once we sell this site to a Czech communal comedy farm, we’re still going to list ourselves as Guys.

MasterChugs Theater: ‘Election’

Has it crossed your mind that the morality play is a dead genre? Perhaps you’ve wondered what’s become of sharply-written satire?

Alexander Payne’s Election works as both.

First, though it’s over a decade old, its packaging feels modern, almost trendy. Not screechy and obnoxious like handfuls of other teen films currently being produced or peddled. Election‘s charm comes largely from its narrative technique: the audience gets the stories directly from the voice-overs of major characters. Hence we witness various perspectives that combine to create quite a jumbled unity. Payne, the director and co-writer, gives us digestible units that quicken pace and intensify plot. The result? We come away licking our lips, our appetites teased by the delicious ironies. Continue reading MasterChugs Theater: ‘Election’

Bunga-Bungasconi!

It’s Friday afternoon, so we figured we’d give you little hornballs out there a dose of bunga-bunga.

Embattled Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi faces more and more pressure everyday to step down. Women protesters have called for his resignation, prosecutors want to try him for underage prostitution, and the parliament is considering bumping up their elections.

To all of this, Berlusconi replied: “[No] one can rule better than me.”

He followed that up with: “I mean, name one prime minister who has loved women more than me.”

2010 Election: Two week warning!

There’s only two weeks in a mid-term election that could go down in history as a revolution in government or another mid-term election.

Tea Party candidates are the focus, by choice and for hilarity. But now that we’re in the final stretch, Republicans are trying to “contain gaffes,” which is another way of saying “try to not sound crazy.”

So, welcome to Moderateville! Where every nutjob with a tie wants to protect your social security and actually read the Constitution!

By the way: there are no more debates in Moderateville, because there’s no point when everyone’s normal and would only agree with each other!

Take it from Snee: Retrospect this

While I’m certainly glad to see more people writing thanks to the advent of blogging, twittering and other terms that were previously symptoms of pleurisy; whereas I am also elated to say goodbye to the biggest waste of a decade since the 1460s (was there any good music that decade?); and because I look forward to the Twenty-Ten future, I am officially sick of all retrospectives about this and any other decade from here on out.

To make sure one is never written again, I’ve done you all a favor and written and all-encompassing one that should work for the next hundred years.* Don’t think I’ve left out names to be vaguely correct: in 10 years’ time, you’ll have forgotten most of the “important” people of this past decade, too.

*If this template still applies after 100 years, you’re on your own because I should be dead. Hopefully of something awesome like breastclimbing or mesotheligladiator fights.

Well, it’s been another 10 years, and what a 10 years it’s been! Let’s recap the good, bad and weird from this decade. Continue reading Take it from Snee: Retrospect this

Wake us up when it’s 2010

Well, it’s mid-November, which means we can retire the “Scurry” tag until next year …

Or can we?

Yes, folks, it’s not reality television an election unless there are recounts! The snoozer of a race that attracted the attention of teabaggers, Sarah Palin and other political celebutards in New York’s 23rd District is not over.

Upon learning that there are still mail-in ballots to be counted, Conservative Party candidate Doug Hoffman “un-conceded on Glenn Beck’s radio show. (Unlike his television show, the sound of his tear drops must be imitated in the studio with a sponge and a pail of water.)

If this race gets overturned, then black is white, up is down and the Republican Party still lost.

Quarter of The Guys thankful to not live in Va.

Ugh.

SeriouslyGuy Rick Snee thanked God this morning that he no longer lives in the Commonwealth of Virginia. Why, you may ask? Why would he prefer to live in Alabama?

Because he’s unlikely to receive an automated phone call, or robocall, from Sarah Palin about the governor’s race down in the capital of Conservaphilia.

The former Alaskan governor and current neo-Paris Hilton recorded a message for the Faith and Freedom Coalition, urging Virginian voters to “to go to the polls Tuesday and vote to share our principles.”

Great, so not only did she make one of those “irritating” robocalls, but she couldn’t even be more specific about who best represents “her principles?” Leave it to a woman to expect you to read her mind.

Republican celebs embrace third-party ghetto

She might be the best thing to ever happen to abortion.You know the media and losing party are still suffering from post-election depression when they make a big deal out of a congressional election in New York. The Guys are normally better than this, too, but the stupid is too strong to ignore.

Sarah Palin–like you didn’t see that coming–and Rick Santorum have announced their endorsements for the 23rd District Representative race. They’re not for the Republican candidate for 23rd District Representative, Dede Scozzafava, but for the Conservative Party candidate, Doug Hoffman.

So, this is where the leaders of the Republican Party are at: endorsing third-party candidates when their front-runner is pro-choice. You know, the same mentality that cost every Democratic nominee their election when hippies couldn’t compromise on environmental issues, socialism and whatever a Dennis Kucinich does.

So, thanks for the laughs and the coffee–an afternoon rush of Schadenfreude Espresso.

Mm, Schadenfreude: make it your daily shameful joy.