Tag: elections

Presenting the new Apple iPresident

Just when we thought the looming threat of NASCAR had been contained to the redneckier parts of America, it appears that the sport managed to slip into Washington, D.C.–more specifically, into the U.S. Supreme Court.

In a 5-4 decision divided on the usual party lines, the Supreme Court ruled that corporations can “spend as much as they [want] to sway voters in federal elections.”

Now, a lot of people are upset about this … although they’re mostly people who don’t own corporations, so what do they know, right? They certainly aren’t looking on the bright side.

For instance: voters already complain that they can’t tell the difference between presidential candidates anymore, saying that they’re forced to select “the lesser of two evils.” Well, what if Pepsi endorsed one of them? BOOM! 50 percent of the population just voted for, “I’ll have a water, then.”

Best of all, candidates could actually coordinate their campaign slogans with their contributors. Jonathan Edwards could “clean up” his image with an endorsement from Tide. Or, he could show he’s learned his lesson about fathering inconvenient children with a giant Trojan backdrop behind his podium.

Pee in toilet, kiss baby, pee in toilet, kiss baby, pee in baby, kiss toilet

Hartley-the golden streamer's manIn a tough election cycle, it can be tough for a candidate to make themselves stand out above the crowd. As one San Diego City Council candidate learned, peeing into a cup and masturbating on a public street in the middle of the afternoon is certainly one way to do that. That might cost him a few votes, but sometimes real leadership means do things that are unpopular, right? Plus, I’m sure that he’s locked into the “Urination and Globule” constituents.

The McBournie Minute: I’m right about the primaries

I predicted a couple weeks ago after the Iowa caucus that the rest of the states would choose Mike Huckabee and Barack Obama. I was dead on.

Since then, Hillary Clinton, John McCain, Mitt Romney and the Obama crush girl have all gotten wins and pundits are baffled. There are no clear leaders in either party’s race. No matter what the pundits keep orderin, voters for some reason are choosing to make up their own minds this time around. Why they chose these primaries over any other ones in the past 225 years is anyone’s guess. Regardless, with only a small amount of the country voicing their opinions so far, there is still no clear winner.

There is a sentence I did not think I would write until the Florida primaries.

However, there is some fun that can be had amongst this chaos, and like most at-home political fun, it requires watching news network coverage. You play a drinking game. What more American an approach to national politics can there possibly be?

Every time a network predicts a front-runner, winner or dark horse candidate, you do a shot. Not a sip, you wimps, a real, full shot. By the end of the night, you will be excited about when your state’s primary election is and you will want to vote for whoever makes the campaign promise of buying the next round.