Cry about it: Scientists can produce energy from tears

This week really isn’t off to a good start. Between Las Vegas and Tom Petty, there seems to be a lot to be sad about. But if there is any bright spot to be made, it’s that we have finally found a truly limitless source of energy.

Researchers in Ireland say they have found a way to harvest energy from human tears. Lysozyme crystals can be found in your tears and your saliva, and scientists have found that these crystals have an electric current if they are pressurized. That means that if we cry and drool enough, we can be our own sources of renewable energy.

Lysozyme crystals can also be found in the whites of birds’ eggs and in the milk of mammals. So if you’re sitting down to a mouthwatering breakfast that includes eggs and milk, and you’re crying about the mistakes you made the night before, we’re going to say your carbon footprint doesn’t exist.

Once enemies, eagle, salmon team up to attack Seattle power

Animals are taking advantage of our increased dependence on electricity, and what’s worse, they’re joining forces to do so.

According to the local power company, some 200 Seattleans Seattleians Seattlites Sea People lost power last week when a strategically placed salmon struck a power line. Witnesses report an eagle carried the salmon out of a nearby river and dropped it where it would do the most damage. Utility workers recovered the smoked salmon.

Nice try, animals. But if you really want to disrupt Seattle society, try attacking the wifi in coffee shops.

Man sells newspaper because wife wants house with toilet

As anyone who still works at a newspaper will tell you, print journalism has never been hotter. That’s why The Guys have found an investment opportunity for you.

There’s a newspaper up for sale in Alaska. It’s been around for 25 years, and has won a fair share of awards along the way. But now Tom Morphet, the owner of the Chilkat Valley News, wants to sell his beloved newspaper because his wife is tired of living in a cabin in the woods.

“I said, ‘Honey, we could live for free in the cabin.’ But she wants to flush a toilet,” Morphet said. “When I met her she was a girl living out of a backpack and she didn’t care.”

Isn’t that always the way? Your wife decides she needs fancy things, so you have to give up your dreams.

Squirrels: The biggest threat to the grid

The U.S. electric grid has many threats, including cyber terrorists and that tree around the corner that you know is going to fall over the next time we get a big storm. But there’s an even bigger threat out there: squirrels.

It should come as no surprise to warriors out there that these tree-dwelling rodents are out to get us. According to an analysis, more than half of power outages are caused by these beasts, probably costing the economy billions every year. And yet, the so-called government refuses to let us round all the squirrels up and send them to meet their squirrel maker.

Going over like an LED balloon

It’s finally happening: LED light bulbs!

For people who date (yet somehow read this Web site), LED stands for light-emitting diode and is the same technology used for your computer and monitor’s status lights. (Right there, on the front.) Notice how they never burn out until the rest of the computer goes down?

In addition to their long life (20 years!), they use 80-percent less energy and–unlike those twisty fluorescents–are capable of dimming and being thrown away without a guilt trip.

The only problem is that we’re stuck with previously mentioned fluorescent bulbs until they finally burn out in a couple of years.

That’s like 50 dollars in moonbucks

One year in prison and suspension for three years over … 2.5 yen in electricity?

According to the current exchange rate, 2.5 yen is about $.02. Yasumasa Hirai, 46, was busted for stealing that value in electricity from a shared outlet in his apartment building.

That doesn’t sound like much, but the Osaka District Court ruled that this thief failed to pay his electricity bills and was too lazy to work. He didn’t stop nabbing all of that electricity despite being warned by the apartment manager. The apartment manager (and the judge, apparently!) were pissed off because he broke the cover to an outlet in the hallway and ran a cord to use electricity in his apartment.

2.5 yen in electricity. Anybody feel like coming up with a collection fund for the guy?

Take it from Snee: Lightning Round 3 (Hard Thunder)

So we just got through an election and the first half of Thanksgristmas, and that means I had to listen to a lot of stupid. This is the third time we’ve gone through this, so I shouldn’t have to explain it to you.

And if you’re new here, welcome and try not to get your ass in my foot’s way. Continue reading Take it from Snee: Lightning Round 3 (Hard Thunder)