Pretty soon the wildebeests will join in

If you watched the U.S.-England game on Saturday, you already heard about this, but you’re American, so you probably didn’t see it. The world is against us at the World Cup, but the animals are, too.

The American team was held up from a training session before Saturday’s game because of an elephant. The team had to wait about five minutes while the elephant pretended the bus wasn’t there, and ate something off a nearby tree.

And get this: it’s the second time it’s happened to the U.S. team since they got to South Africa. Well, we know who the animals aren’t routing for.

Undead animals reported in Australia

If there is one thing that this blog is vigilant about, it’s the ever-present threat that animals pose to humanity, and if we could add a second item to that list, it would be zombies. So what’s the worst-case scenario for mankind?

Zombie animals.

At a zoo in Sydney, Australia, doctors declared a pregnant elephant’s baby had died in the womb. Two days later, the elephant gave birth–and the baby was moving. The baby elephant is now being mistaken by zookeepers as living, and it’s only a matter of time before they realize it is in fact undead.

Frankly, we don’t know what happens with zombie animals. We’ve never heard of them before. But we do know this: zombanimals not only want to wipe us out, they want to eat our brains, too.

‘Would you like to pet my elephant?’

Everyone, not just Republicans, hates poor people. They’re smelly because they seldom shower. They jangle cups without so much as actually asking you if you want some change, and the seldom come up with signs that do not end in “God Bless You.”

Just imagine how it could be if homeless people were elephants. In Thailand, that’s how they roll.

Elephant begging in Thailand is a huge problem. Apparently these things are roaming around the streets of cities, finding tourists and stopping. They then make their human companion species traitors ask for money for the honor of feeding the elephant. Not only are these poor tourists forced to feed the enemy, they have to pay tribute!

Well, no more will that be the case in the country. The government has decided to crack down on it. Southeast Asia: once again, leading the way in the War on Animals.

Next up: getting Snuffy off the snuff

Thank god that the U.S. is not a socialist, commie pinko welfare state. Otherwise, our taxes might be going toward sponsoring terrorism and helping to get people healthy. Damn it, get your own self healthy, we don’t need to pay for all of your bills!

In China, an elephant, with the help of the government, has kicked its heroin habit. The rehab took three years, because of course, the moment the Chinese would leave the elephant alone, the trunk junkie would head back to the slums for a ride on the H train. However, the elephant kicked the smack habit thanks to methadone doses.

It’s no secret that heroin addiction is ravaging the elephant population in Asia. The elephants just want to forget.