Elmo love motorboats

Parents screening a new episode of Sesame Street saved millions of households from masturbating toddlers by cutting a duet by Katy Perry and Elmo. The test audience believed her clothing revealed too much of her ample bosom, which could have give straight little boys their first boners and gay little boys their first Halloween costume.

The offending video is available in the link, but prepare for disappointment. It’s still not the footage of nipples we’ve been waiting for.

Parents are such teases.

Brought to you by letters H, N, number 1

For 40 years, we’ve watched dogs and bears and pigs and stuff live with humans consequence-free on an untraceable New York neighborhood known as Sesame Street.

But 40 years of propaganda cannot cover up the very real threat of swine flu.

Elmo and, human cast member, Gordon have teamed up with U.S. federal agencies, including the Department of Health and Human Services, to teach kids to cover their f$%king mouths when they sneeze and wash their damn hands before bringing us our beers.

That’s all well and good, but they’re still harboring Patient Zero.