Ask Dr. Snee: Birth Control to the Future

Dear Dr. Snee,

I keep seeing these weird commercials for ladies’ birth control that looks like a little plastic tree that goes in their vagina? How the hell does that work? It won’t plug my peehole, right?


You’re talking about the Mirena IUD. No, it won’t plug your “peehole,” or urethra, when you’re “plowing” all those “MILFs.” Actually, they should be called MYLFs, because maybe you’d like to “fornicate” them, but Elvis and I agree: doing a mother is wrong, especially the mother of your children.

As to how it works, this is a closely-guarded medical secret, which is why I’m going to tell you and the millions who read this serious medical advice column: time travel. Continue reading Ask Dr. Snee: Birth Control to the Future

Keeping an eye on ghoulish figures

Zombies! They claim they only want brains, but we know the truth. The “brrraaaaaaaaaaaaains” bit is an act; they’d rather have what’s in our pants.

And by that, we mean money. (What were you thinking?)

Forbes Magazine just listed this year’s top dead earners, 13 of which earned a combined $194 million dollars this past year.

Elvis was number one, of course, earning $52 million, presumably in velvet painting sales.

Charles Schulz was number two with $33 million, thanks to a huge back catalog of Snoopy merchandise (and the occasional other Peanuts character product).

And our old buddy, Heath Ledger — a zombie finance newbie (a z00mbie) — had an impressive $20 million year, grabbing the undead celebrity bronze.

Honorable mentions include Albert Einstein, Aaron Spelling, Dr. Seuss, John Lennon (who didn’t care about possessions until zombification), Andy Warhol, Marilyn Monroe, Steve McQueen, Paul Newman (another z00mbie), James Dean and Marvin Gaye.

Tupac Shakur failed to make this year’s issue because, as Dr. Snee explained, that’s how iron lungs work.