Today … in racism

With President Barack Obama’s inauguration in January 2009, you might have thought that was the end of racism in America. Don’t worry, mein klein kampfs: there’s still plenty to go around.

Some of you probably already know closet racists. You know, the uncle that “doesn’t want to be racist” but “some stereotypes are just true.” Montana’s chief federal judge, Richard Cebull, found himself in just that predicament. He didn’t want to be racist, yet he forwarded an admittedly racist email depicting the President being sired by his mother and an animal because “it was a bit touching.” Judge Cebull still claims he’s not a racist, but you can’t run from what the heart feels, your honor.

But, did you know that there are still out and proud racists? Illinois Republican congressional candidate Arthur Jones wants you to know that “this idea that 6 million Jews were killed in the Holocaust is the biggest, blackest lie in history.” That’s right: not only is he a “former” member of the Nationalist Socialist White People’s Party, but he even thinks lies are black, too.

It’s good to know that, despite the promises, not everything is subject to change.

Fun Fact: Expected results are expected

Our favorite government-sanctioned four day weekend is almost upon us! Normally, this just means drinking (more) on a Wednesday. But, a new survey indicates that 59 percent of us will check our work email over the break.

If that wasn’t bad enough, of those who will be in to eat turducken “in just a minute,” 41 percent will report to be annoyed to have actually found work-related email in their inbox.

People, there are better and less sad ways to avoid your family than pretending to work–only to receive actual work to do. There’s always:

  • Food comas.
  • Bringing a fake “life partner” to dinner.
  • Injuring and then taking someone to the emergency room after the family football game.

Freshmen don’t know everything already?

College is about to begin, which means it’s time for the annual Beloit College Mindset List. Every year, Beloit College composes a list of technology, fads and people that incoming freshmen never learn about because high schools spend an entire month on the Civil War* and a week on everything after World War II.

This year’s freshmen, the Class of 2014, for instance doesn’t use email because it’s too slow and generally requires something more substantial to write about than today’s lunch. They also don’t know:

  • Snoop Dogg’s middle name (Doggy).
  • How Clint Eastwood’s “tour de force” as an old, violent racist gun nut in Gran Turino was just a reprisal of Dirty Harry where he didn’t have to run so much.
  • That communism was once an entrenched and very real threat hiding behind a wall in Berlin, not just the side effect of Glenn Beck’s masturbation guilt today.
  • That Band-Aids were once only sold in a universal peach-colored shade that matched everyone’s skin. Now they have to prove that Band-Aids are for everyone–black, white or green–by selling black, white and green ones.

Good luck with this bunch, professors.

_______________________________

*A whole month, yet they never learn it was about slavery.

Floridian swamp land realtors are waiting anxiously

Carnies, your treasure person awaits! Science has officially found the world’s stupidest person-Janella Spears, come on down!

For the Nigerian prince readers, allow me to translate:

Gretings! You ar now reding a stoyr abut a wummun and hir abilty to loose money. Like, a lot fo it. Despite poorly wurded emayls lik tihs artickle, even wons from “Presedent Bush, the Prince of Nigeerea, and Teh direckter of TEH FBI”, she still gave four hundrad thousind dollurs to a scammer. What a rooob.

GWI: Googling while intoxicated

Remember drunk dialing? It used to be so much harder when you didn’t have a phone in your pocket with your boss’ or ex-girlfriend’s number programmed into it. But really, drunk dialing is so 2003. It was replaced by drunken MySpacing, Facebooking, etc. (So what do kids these days, drunken YouTubing, Twittering or whatever it is they do?)

One thing that has not gotten passé is e-mailing under the influence. Good news, Gmail users, you don’t have to wake up in the morning wondering if you really did send that rambling manifesto to boss the night before. Yes, the developers at Google are taking a stand against inebriated e-mail with Mail Goggles.

When you enable Mail Goggles, it turns on only on weekends late at night. When you try to send something during this time, a screen pops up asking you if you really want to send it. More so, it does its own Google sobriety check, asking you to answer some math questions in a limited amount of time. Answer incorrectly and say goodbye to drunken e-mail message.

Now if they can find a way to keep me from drunkenly IMing my sister random advice, that’s something I could use.

How To: Care less

No matter where you go for meaningful conversation, you will always encounter some nihilist who “could care less.” But what do they mean by that? Could they care less about the topic? Could they care less about you? More importantly, why could they care less and why don’t they?

Our guess is that they want to care less, but don’t know how to politely do so. It’s a common problem in our society where people prefer email to phone calls, home school to evolution and porn to wife-swapping.

But it doesn’t have to be! With this guide, we will dispense with the “couldas” and teach you how to care less. Continue reading How To: Care less

A SeriouslyIntervention

Hello, SeriouslyReader.  How are you?  Good.

You’re probably wondering why The Guys are all here in your office.  We wanted to start by saying that we love you, but we’re concerned.

According to Dr. Jerald Block’s article in the American Journal of Psychiatry, you’re addicted to the Internet.  We’ve noticed it for some time, as you:

Suffer from feelings of withdrawal when a computer cannot be accessed.
Remember that time you tried us at gunpoint, just to see if there were any new Fark headlines?  That was scary.

Increasingly need better equipment.
You camped out for an iPod Nano.  You already have a regular iPod and a video iPod.

Need more time to use it.
We used to go on trips.  Now “there’s never enough time” because your 2,000 Facebook friends are constantly updating their relationship statuses.

Experience negative repurcussions from your addiction.
You lost your job because you were distracted by a flame war in Cary Tennis’ advice column about breast implants.  Your children have to eat chiclettes for lunch.  Oh, and you totaled the car because you were texting your BFF to let him know “where u at.”

As we said, The Guys love you, but you have an addiction, and it hurts us to watch your downward spiral.  You don’t have to quit the Internet, but you could cut back.  How about just reading SeriouslyGuys from here on out?