You’ve gotta shoot them in the head

Now, I’ll readily admit to being a big film geek. If I wasn’t, I wouldn’t write a movie review column. I try to keep my pretentiousness in check most of the time, but frankly, I can’t help it escaping. Now is one of those times. Ladies and gentlemen, you’re clearly doing a horrible job of watching classic cinema.

Everyone knows that the only way to make the living dead sans living is to eradicate the brain mass of a zombie. By doing so, you end the walking dead’s existence. Of course, me assuming that everyone knew what to do clearly shows just how wrong I was, because it would seem that people in Houston are completely and totally ignorant of this vitally critical piece of information. Now, why would I say this?

A man was brought back to life not once, not twice, not thrice, but 5 times (5 times, 5 times, 5 times, 5 times) recently. Now, one would assume that to be a good thing, except for this fact-the man died 5 times. This means that his craving for human braaaaaaains was made that much stronger with each subsequent “revival.” Houston area emergency doctors, do the right thing-put a bullet in this man’s cerebral cortex before he starts spreading a plague that you’re most probably ill-equiped to handle. In these tough economic times, do you really suspect that you’ll be able to actually live out a zombie outbreak in a mall of today? Don’t just do it for yourself-do it for America.