Foodies taking out endangered species

For extra flavor, harvesters hug the pangolin before punting it into the grinder.
For extra flavor, harvesters hug the pangolin before punting it into the grinder.

We knew about the usual threats to endangered animals: deforestation, industrial development and pollution, picnic baskets filled with gluten (we’ll miss Boo-boo and his allergies, too, Yogi). What we didn’t expect were foodies eating their way through the protected species list like a Brazilian steakhouse menu.

According to findings published in the Royal Society Open Science journal, humans are driving at least 300 wild mammal species to extinction because those animals are either (a) secretly delicious or (b) get a lot of Instagram “likes” as plate selfies.

Apparently, people in Asia, Africa, and Latin America are eating everything from “rats to rhinoceros, […] docile, ant-eating pangolins as well as flesh-ripping big cats” — which reminds The Guys of our favorite book, If I Ran the Zoo … if The Zoo was a pen-to-table restaurant directly across the street from the Smithsonian National Zoological Park in trendy Adams Morgan, DC.

So, way to go, foodies. Because you couldn’t just eat a normal cow burger like the rest of us, we’re winning the War on Animals.

Bald eagles now mook hawks

We don’t like to admit it when we’re losing the War on Animals — unless, of course, it riles our readers up, Fox News-style. But, readers, we are losing the War on Animals when it comes to bald eagles.

America’s national bird — a relic from the old settlement days when we thought claiming animals’ souls would help us defeat them — is bouncing back everywhere. And now they’re even coming back to New Jersey. That’s how complacent they’ve become: they don’t even feel threatened, much less endangered in Newark. (Thanks, Cory Booker.)

So, be on the lookout for mook hawks in the Garden State. They’ll be the ones overcompensating for their baldness with gold chains and by wearing shorts in the winter.

Animals want to wrap up human reproduction

And to make sure you get to do it again in the morning, refer to your "tweedle" as a "burying beetle" as often as you can during and after copulation.
To make sure you get to do it again in the morning, refer to your “tweedle” as a “burying beetle” as often as you can during and immediately after copulation.

We’ve long suspected that, despite animals threatening all of human survival, not every human is on board with the War on Animals. Sure enough, the new year — the year of the snake, no less — has revealed an insidious fifth column: the “Center for Biological Diversity.”

What kind of diversity, we’re pretending you asked? One with less humans thanks to endangered species-themed condoms. The animal-lovers are distributing 50,000 free condoms, each featuring animal propaganda, over the holidays. And, according to their own press release, it’s to address “the effects of rapid human population growth on rare plants and animals.”

Let’s prove them right, people. This holiday season, make the gift that keeps on eating and using natural resources. And just to get things rolling, feed Junior a steak every meal. Or an endangered panther. It’ll put hair on her chest (unless you skin the lion first).

Do the witch test to be sure

It gave the villagers the finger, so there’s no recourse but to flip nature off and kill the damned things.

That’s the theory we’re coming up with at SG Plaza over the aye-aye. Reportedly, the creature from Madagascar is very close to being put in the endangered column due to superstitious beliefs regarding it in the Madagascan culture. Why so? Local legends say that it would attempt to use its extra long middle finger to stab the heart (or maybe just STAB AT THEE-see, I got it right this time, Rick and Groonk) of sleeping citizens. It probably doesn’t help that it never seemed to have evolve the “fear of humans” gene.

Here’s a twist: what if they’re utterly delicious? Eh? Maybe superstition was just a reason cooked up to mess with outsiders. Betcha never thought about that, huh?

This is war, and in this new and exciting politically correct and culturally sensitive world, why should we put a creature above a culture? I bet they wouldn’t do the same for us.

Sound the horn!

Did you know that you can legally hunt gray wolves without the federal government coming after you and telling you you are a bad person? It’s true! The only thing is that the hippies will still say that, and it is not yet legal to hunt hippies.

As of September 15, you can go wolf hunting. After being on the endangered species list, they were taken off, only to be replaced again, but that got shot down, so the hunt will go on! Remember folks, werewolves are always on the kill list.

Clap if you believe in chlamydia

Thanks to quite a few of you out there, chlamydia and syphilis — which were supposed to be almost extinct — are making a comeback.

The U.S. Center for Disease Control reports that the number of chlamydia and syphilis cases are up for the third time in a row, and gonerrhea and AIDS are tagging along for the ride.

In fact, 2007 was a banner year for chlamydia: a record 1.1 million cases, and that’s only the ones we’ve counted. (The CDC estimates another 1 to 1.5 million cases go unreported.) This once endangered species is flourishing again, so much that the CDC is reopenning hunting seasons for it.

So, congratulations to all of you conversationalists and thank you for your dedication to barebacking it. Perhaps in a few year, we will once again see majestic crab-lice herds stomping through the prairies of the American heartland!