Keep your scotch neat, nose clean

Greetings, young readers! Do you like to stay up all night? And do you like to drink? Chances are pretty good that if you’ve ever attempted both, you couldn’t make it past Waffle House.

You might be tempted to try a caffeinated alcoholic beverage. Here’s three things we learned about that today:

  1. Caffeine should never contain more booze than a shot.
  2. Booze should never contain more caffeine than middle manager.
  3. You should never contain anything named after a 4-piece Swedish mariachi punk band.

Stick to the basics and you’ll never be embarrassed by neon sugary puke.