Cry about it: Scientists can produce energy from tears

This week really isn’t off to a good start. Between Las Vegas and Tom Petty, there seems to be a lot to be sad about. But if there is any bright spot to be made, it’s that we have finally found a truly limitless source of energy.

Researchers in Ireland say they have found a way to harvest energy from human tears. Lysozyme crystals can be found in your tears and your saliva, and scientists have found that these crystals have an electric current if they are pressurized. That means that if we cry and drool enough, we can be our own sources of renewable energy.

Lysozyme crystals can also be found in the whites of birds’ eggs and in the milk of mammals. So if you’re sitting down to a mouthwatering breakfast that includes eggs and milk, and you’re crying about the mistakes you made the night before, we’re going to say your carbon footprint doesn’t exist.

No longer on her majesty’s secret service

MI6 head, Alex Younger, just Lazenbied James Bond.
MI6 head, Alex Younger, just Lazenbied James Bond.

Bond, James Bond — the only spy we’ve ever heard of to tell everyone he meets the same name — is apparently no longer welcome to apply to MI6, the British intelligence agency.

Alex Younger, the head of MI6, stated that Agent 007 (001 in our hearts) “wouldn’t get through our recruitment process.” That, while Bond meets the standard for “patriotism, energy and tenacity,” he lacks “emotional intelligence” and doesn’t value teamwork or always respect the law.

Is it just us, or does this sound like the second Bond girl in every movie? Not the easy one, the one he ends up in the life raft with at the end? You keep playing hard to get, Mr. Younger. You’ll get your Spy Who Loved You soon enough.

Stephen Hawking wants to end mankind with a black hole

The diabolical Dr. Stephen Hawking has come up with a new way to end us all. And this time it sounds like a sci-fi B-movie he’s pitching.

Under the guise of providing abundant energy for the Earth, Hawking has proposed that we get a tiny black hole to orbit the planet. We won’t bore you with the details we don’t understand in the first place. Basically, one of the smartest men in the world wants to first prove that black holes exist, and then capture one, and convince the entire world that it’s safe and totally not part of his plan to wipe humanity from existence.

Nice try, you Bond villain, you. But the least plausible Bond movies are the ones that involve space and satellites.

Vegetarianism winning war on pandas

Species traitors tipped their hand by using the panda as the symbol for making humanity too weak to win the War on Animals.
Species traitors tipped their hand by using the panda as the symbol for making humanity too weak to win the War on Animals.

We already knew that PETA was an insidious threat to humanity. We just didn’t realize how far their attempts to undermine the War on Animals goes. While, yes, not eating meat means fewer animals die, it also might mean the end of our species, just like the giant panda.

For whatever reason (it was probably to impress a girl), pandas stopped eating meat 2 million years ago. In all that time, however, they never really adapted biologically to a nearly all-bamboo diet. They still lack the multi-chambered, complex digestive tract and gut bacteria to get enough nutrients from greens.

Researchers now believe that it is this lack of nutritional energy that causes pandas lackluster sex drives and general lethargy. They have to eat all day and still need 12 hours of sleep. And now they’re almost all gone.

Make no mistake: this is what vegetarians want. Be a proud animal warrior and eat a damn steak. And then mate! MATE, with your beefy breath!

Really real vampire doctors?

There are bad stories, and then there are bad stories that refute their very first sentence within paragraphs.

For example: this article about “self-identified vampires” who have formed their own subculture. The opening line states that these vampires are “doctors … by day.”

However, these particular vampires differ from the vampires at your local Hot Topic because they believe that they suffer from “an internal lack of energy that makes them seek energy from external sources such as the high that comes from the crowd at a rock concert or from the blood of a willing donor.”

So, the author, Laura Zuckerman, is claiming that there are doctorsmedical professionals–who consensually drink the blood of others because they think it provides energy they lack?

Perhaps these doctors are “self-identified” as well.

What Would You Do?

Also, 'butterscotch.'Let’s say you’re the questionably-reelected leader of a country that wants to develop nuclear technology.

Now let’s say the rest of the world is against that idea because you’re in missile range of a country that you and your government wish didn’t exist anymore.

Would you:

A. Show these world leaders plans for a nuclear-powered multicultural center, where children can learn peace and understanding about their neighbors, even though the Jews’ skin isn’t green like theirs?

B. At least pretend to believe that the Holocaust happened until you get the materials necessary to provide cheap energy for your country.

C. Deny the Holocaust, boasting that “the anger of professional killers is (a source of) pride for us” and add that this means Israel shouldn’t exist in the first place.

If you answered C, then you too could be the leader of nuke-free Iran!

Or you could just walk out of the building

Natural gas is the third most dangerous form of energy (nuclear is #1 and wind, which slices off 40,000 limbs a year in the U.S. alone, is #2). It can blow you up. The best part is, it gets pumped right into your house!

The same goes for hotel rooms but it’s important to be careful. Should someone call your hotel room and tell you there is a gas leak, so you need to smash a hole through a wall so that the man trapped in the next room can get out, this may not be a great idea. The same thing goes for if that person then tells you to take the toilet tank and throw it through the window. Additionally, you may want to be skeptical if they tell you to throw your mattress out the window and tell you to get ready to jump.

It just might be a prank.

Rest assured: OSU grads are on the case

NBC’s Brian Williams, who took yet more time off from not reporting real news, delivered a commencement address to Ohio State University in Columbus graduates. He used his podium time to give college students a job: fixing the United States.

Williams claimed that “there is nothing wrong with America that someone from Ohio State can’t fix.” He then laid out the main areas of focus: “energy, politics, diplomacy, science, education, military, transportation,” and climate.

Williams set them loose with a “Go get ’em, OH!” (The graduates, in fact, remained seated until their hangovers cleared up.)  At this very moment, all of these problems will now be addressed by countless OSU graduates with degrees in Communications, Marketing and Literature.

“Well, it gives me something to do while I look for a real job over the next year,” said Artie Muskegee, a graduating OSU Music Therapy student.