Really real vampire doctors?

There are bad stories, and then there are bad stories that refute their very first sentence within paragraphs.

For example: this article about “self-identified vampires” who have formed their own subculture. The opening line states that these vampires are “doctors … by day.”

However, these particular vampires differ from the vampires at your local Hot Topic because they believe that they suffer from “an internal lack of energy that makes them seek energy from external sources such as the high that comes from the crowd at a rock concert or from the blood of a willing donor.”

So, the author, Laura Zuckerman, is claiming that there are doctorsmedical professionals–who consensually drink the blood of others because they think it provides energy they lack?

Perhaps these doctors are “self-identified” as well.

What Would You Do?

Also, 'butterscotch.'Let’s say you’re the questionably-reelected leader of a country that wants to develop nuclear technology.

Now let’s say the rest of the world is against that idea because you’re in missile range of a country that you and your government wish didn’t exist anymore.

Would you:

A. Show these world leaders plans for a nuclear-powered multicultural center, where children can learn peace and understanding about their neighbors, even though the Jews’ skin isn’t green like theirs?

B. At least pretend to believe that the Holocaust happened until you get the materials necessary to provide cheap energy for your country.

C. Deny the Holocaust, boasting that “the anger of professional killers is (a source of) pride for us” and add that this means Israel shouldn’t exist in the first place.

If you answered C, then you too could be the leader of nuke-free Iran!

Or you could just walk out of the building

Natural gas is the third most dangerous form of energy (nuclear is #1 and wind, which slices off 40,000 limbs a year in the U.S. alone, is #2). It can blow you up. The best part is, it gets pumped right into your house!

The same goes for hotel rooms but it’s important to be careful. Should someone call your hotel room and tell you there is a gas leak, so you need to smash a hole through a wall so that the man trapped in the next room can get out, this may not be a great idea. The same thing goes for if that person then tells you to take the toilet tank and throw it through the window. Additionally, you may want to be skeptical if they tell you to throw your mattress out the window and tell you to get ready to jump.

It just might be a prank.

Rest assured: OSU grads are on the case

NBC’s Brian Williams, who took yet more time off from not reporting real news, delivered a commencement address to Ohio State University in Columbus graduates. He used his podium time to give college students a job: fixing the United States.

Williams claimed that “there is nothing wrong with America that someone from Ohio State can’t fix.” He then laid out the main areas of focus: “energy, politics, diplomacy, science, education, military, transportation,” and climate.

Williams set them loose with a “Go get ’em, OH!” (The graduates, in fact, remained seated until their hangovers cleared up.)  At this very moment, all of these problems will now be addressed by countless OSU graduates with degrees in Communications, Marketing and Literature.

“Well, it gives me something to do while I look for a real job over the next year,” said Artie Muskegee, a graduating OSU Music Therapy student.