British citizens urged to drown wasps in booze

Luckily for humanity, insects can drown, except for fire ants. And in the U.K., citizens are being asked by researchers to drown wasps in beer, in the name of science.

Ecologists are asking U.K. citizens to leave a glass of beer in their gardens to attract and kill wasps, so that they can be examined. Wasps are notorious drunks. The researchers want to do a sort of headcount on wasp species, and figure this is a good way to do it.

Predictably, animal rights activists are upset that scientists are asking the public to kill wasps, saying that the alcohol traps will kill other insects, like honeybees.

But the only real concern here should be that this plan involves wasting perfectly good beer, albeit for a noble cause.

Firefighters save delicious pigs, eat them as sausage

Back when fire departments first became a thing, firefighters would loot the houses as they tried to keep them from burning down. Today, firefighters just settle for a small paycheck and an excuse to wear a mustache. One woman whose property was save by firefighters decided to give back.

In England, a woman’s piglets and sows were saved from a barn fire by her local fire department several months ago, and she promised to repay them someday. That day has come. The woman held a barbecue for the local fire department, serving sausages made from the very pigs that they had saved.

So really, the pigs were only saved from the flames for a few months–until they would be tastier. This is a great policy, as long as they don’t apply it to saving children.

Zombie exploding caterpillars have invaded England

Caterpillars in the U.K. are becoming infected with a virus that turns them into zombies. No wonder the queen drinks so much.

According to wildlife experts, there is a scary virus infecting Oak Eggar moth caterpillars in the wild, and it’s controlling their minds until they explode. The caterpillars typically avoid sunlight, but ones infected with the baculovirus are forced to climb to up plants as high as they can and just sit there until they die. But the virus isn’t done yet. After the caterpillar dies, the virus keeps working, liquefying the innards until the body explodes, sending infectious goo everywhere to find new victims.

Needless to say, the U.K. is on high alert. We’re no scientists, but it’s only a matter of time before this virus starts infecting humans.

Royally drunk: Queen Elizabeth is a binge drinker

The picture was taken at six in the morning.

Queen Elizabeth II hasn’t had a job since her father died. She lives a life every little girl dreams of: living in a big, fancy palace with as many puppies as she wants. She’s 91 and still going strong. Is the secret to her longevity her access to first-rate health care and a lavish lifestyle funded by British taxpayers? No, it’s booze.

According to reports, the queen drinks four drinks a day. She drinks a gin and Dubonnet (a sweet aperitif) before lunch, a gin martini during lunch, then a glass of wine at the end of lunch. So she’s feeling quite jovial and it’s barely the afternoon. She then sobers up with tea in the afternoon and has a glass of champagne before going to bed at night.

That adds up to six units of alcohol by British standards, which the UK government considers binge drinking.

Man’s collection of 9,000 beer cans going up for sale

A lot of people like beer, but it takes a certain type of beer fan to collect beer cans. We’re not talking about the empties in your recycling bin, we mean organized, preserved beer cans put on display. If this sounds like you, you’re in luck.

In England, one man is getting rid of his collection of 9,000-plus beer can collection. And if you guessed that it’s because his wife is tired of it, pat yourself on the back. In 1975, the woman who would later become Nick West’s wife gave him a book on beer, kicking off his collection. Since then, he has tracked down and bought thousands of different beer cans for what he calls his library. Now, they happy couple plan to downsize to a smaller house, and West’s wife doesn’t want the cans crowding up the new place.

So if you’re a beer can collector, and single, it might be time to reach out and make a purchase.

British continue tradition of drunkenly acquiring land

In 1620, a group of British religious zealots decided to set up shop on Cape Cod because they were running out of beer. It wasn’t the first time booze was involved in land acquisition, and it wouldn’t be the last. In fact, it just happened.

A British man posted on Reddit last week asking if anyone knew the location of a seemingly random parcel of land in Little Rock, Arkansas. He was asking about it, after being told by his friends that he had gotten drunk and bought the land. It was part of his brilliant plan to post a sign with his friend’s face on the land, so that it would show up on Google Maps one day, which sounds exactly like a plan one would make if they were drunk.

Also, being drunk helps make living in Little Rock more attractive.

Brits keep flushing underwear, clogging sewers

Citizens of one town in the U.K. are being politely asked not to flush their underwear down the toilet, or “loo,” after a large pair of granny panties caused a clog in the sewer system.

Here in the U.S., we discard our underwear in the trash, but the Europeans do everything weirder than us. According to authorities, the sewer system in Cheltenham, U.K., suffered from a massive clog, thanks to one woman’s flushed undies. This isn’t an isolated incident. Flushed “knickers” 50,000 blockages in the area’s sewer systems every year.

We understand that with any sizable human population, there are going to be a few cases of soiled undies every year, but tens of thousands? Do the Brits not believe in throwing the evidence in the rubbish bin? Are U.K. toilets just more powerful than their American counterparts?

Cocaine traffickers blow it

Unsurprisingly, nobody is claiming either the drugs or bags from Lost and Found.

Sometimes, when an airline loses your luggage, you don’t put up a big fuss to find it, whether that’s because it’s filled with strange sex toys you’d rather not fess to or, oh, say … $60 million dollars’ worth of cocaine.

We don’t know what went through the minds of the “organized crime” syndicate that police suspect packed¬†360 kg of coke in neon-colored duffel bags and then lost somewhere in the ocean. We don’t know what happened to the traffickers and if they’ll be easy to find in matching Body Glove swimsuits. All we do know is that it was all very easy to find once it started washing ashore at Great Yarmouth in the U.K., some 140 miles (200 km) northeast of London.

Between the bright colors and the amount of cocaine, this should serve as a dire warning to anyone who tries this hard to ever bring back the ’80s again.

Distress call ends up being owls having sex

Animals, like teenagers, love to tie up the resources of our first responders with fake emergencies. This time it was two randy owls that got the best of the men and women who keep us all safe.

In England, a citizen heard what he or she thought were sounds of a couple in distress along a shoreline. The citizen reported hearing shouts from two people to the authorities, and the Coast Guard was sent out. The good news is that there were no people actually in trouble. The bad news is that it turned out to be mating owls that made the sounds. YA RLY.

This begs the question: Do owls have better sex than us?

Old woman held hostage by seagulls

Summer may be over, but the terror caused by seagulls in England isn’t. In fact, it’s just getting worse.

According to a report from the bobbies, an 80-year-old woman was attacked and held hostage three days by two seagulls. The woman said she went outside to hang up her laundry, when two gulls swooped in, one holding her leg, and the other pecking it. She was able to escape her attackers and make it back inside her house, but the birds were out there waiting for her. It was only after the seagulls had relaxed just enough after three days that she was able to make a run for it and report to authorities.

British authorities refuse to comment on whether the birds that assaulted the old woman were met with swift justice.