Tagged: england

| Filed under Regular Post

English monument collected tons of pigeon poop

England is covered in historical stuff. You can’t walk two metres without hitting a pub that some dandy drank a hogshead of ale at some six centuries ago. But not everything old and historical is worth it.

A monument dating back to medieval times was due for its once-a-millennium cleaning, and experts found it was filled with about 28 tons of pigeon crap stacked three feet high. The towers on the Landgate Arch has no roof. That means they are basically open pits for birds. The cleaners had trouble opening the door to the tower because of the weight of the pigeon poop inside. They said the interior was “like walking on a giant chocolate cake,” only it didn’t smell like cake.

Hope you weren’t eating just now.

| Filed under Booze News

Finally, a gin that makes you look younger

Alright kid, you've had enough for tonight.
Alright kid, you’ve had enough for tonight.

Do you drink? Do you enjoy gin, but hate that you’re drinking yourself into an early grave? Are you easily swayed by gimmicks? We’ve got the gin for you.

Enter Anti-aGin, a gin distilled from collagen, and who doesn’t love the taste of collagen? As people who don’t read this site will know, collagen is stuff that’s good for your skin. It helps your skin stay firm. The loss of collagen overtime is one of the effects of aging. Not that it’s backed up by science, but the thinking is that if you can drink collagen, you’ll enjoy a buzz and get a nice, youthful glow. That’s assuming your cheeks aren’t flushed from drinking in the first place.

Like most other shady sounding beverages we feature, Anti-aGin is only available in the U.K. Write your congressman today and tell them you want to drink from the fountain of youth.

| Filed under War on Animals

George Clooney held captive by mating toads

Folks, the animals have struck and struck hard. We fear for the safety of George and Amal Clooney. Their property in England has been overrun.

According to volunteers, nearly 5,000 toads have been caught trying to infiltrate the Clooney mansion’s grounds to reach a series of ponds because it’s mating season. The horny toads are migrating under the pretense of multiplying, but this is merely a thinly-veiled assault on two of the most important people in the world.

We do not have confirmation of the location of the Clooneys, all we can do is pray that they are safe right now.

| Filed under Regular Post

Texting Brits keep walking into huge sculpture

The war between technology and art has finally come to a head. And it looks as if technology has won the first battle.

In England, technology has forced a one-ton sculpture to be moved months before it was scheduled to do so, all because people on their phones keep walking into it. “The Kiss” features two giant hands coming together. They say it’s supposed to look like faces kissing, but we’re not artsy enough to see that. The sculpture had been placed on a pathway on a cathedral’s grounds, with one hand coming up from each side of the path. But because of the low clearance, those who weren’t paying attention wound up getting bitch slapped by the huge hands.

We have a feeling that art will have the last laugh, however. In a decade or so, some artist is going to make an ugly sculpture out of old cell phones.

| Filed under Regular Post

English coast guard perform daring rescue of inflatable doll

Next time you’re in a boat, take a moment to appreciate that there are men and women willing to risk their lives to save your life. If an inflatable doll could talk, it would certainly give thanks.

Off the coast of Cornwall, England, a fisherman reported seeing an elderly person in the water, struggling to keep afloat in the rough seas. A coast guard helicopter and Royal Navy ship searched the waters, and located what appeared to be a person. They saved what they soon found was an inflatable sex doll, and just in time, as the doll seemed to have lost all its air and could have gone under at any time.

The doll was wearing pants and a shirt, because English sex toys are just classier than ours.

| Filed under Booze News

Man fights personal war on boss’ cars

There are probably better ways at getting back at your boss.

A man in England got drunk and crashed his boss’ car two different times. The first one, a Land Rover, happened earlier this year. He was arrested and charged, as he should have been, but he wasn’t done yet. A month later, authorities say he stole his boss’ other car, a Mini (apparently his boss doesn’t like mid-size cars) and crashed it into three parked cars, while drunk.

The man was just sentenced to two years in jail this week, removing the potential for an awkward office Christmas party.


| Filed under Booze News

A tree pours beer in London

Some holiday magic landed in London last Friday. The bad news is that the holiday cheer is already dried up.

Carlsberg, a brand of beer you’ve probably seen on soccer jerseys, set up a Christmas tree along the Thames River in London on Friday. This wasn’t just any Christmas tree, it came with a gift for everyone: the gift of free beer. For seven hours, Londoners got to drink free beer. We can only assume that this led to other holiday traditions in England, such as throwing up in the street and getting into fistfights.

Here’s hoping for the Christmas miracle to make it here to the U.S.

| Filed under Booze News

We live in a world where transgender beer exists

The LGBT community has achieved a lot in recent years, thanks to a lot of hard work. And now, they can enjoy their own beer after all their hard work.

Oddball Scottish brewery BrewDog has partnered with the organizers of a British LGBT event that is the world’s first transgender beer. The beer, No Label, won’t chang you or anything, but it is in between styles. It’s made with hops that have changed genders (yes, there are boy hop vines and girl hop vines). Further it’s a Kolsch, which is kind of between a lager and an ale.

The Guys are pleased to hear that the LGBT community has a beer honoring them. The beer world is all about acceptance and change. Except when it comes to vegans.

| Filed under Booze News, It Must Be Science!

You need another excuse for your drunken hook-up

Remember that time you went home with that girl at the bar, only to find the next morning she didn’t look as good as she did when you were drunk? Science says you’re making that up.

According to a recent study in Bristol, England, there may be no such thing as beer goggles after all. Researchers conducted a study of patrons of three pubs in town where they showed people images of faces and asked for their attractiveness rating, then they measured their BAC. The study was kind of like a drunken Hot or Not throwback. They found no clear correlation between the attractiveness ratings a person gave and the amount of booze in their bloodstream.

Some say the study shows that lowered inhibitions and lower standards could make the drunken hook-ups happen.

| Filed under Booze News, War on Animals

No one in Britain is safe from drunken German wasps

Zum Whol!
Zum Wohl!

At this point it just seems absurd that the entire island of Great Britain hasn’t been evacuated.

As if the snail volcanoes and killer seagulls weren’t bad enough, now the Brits are being attacked by drunken wasps. Researchers say a mild winter and spring in the U.K. led to a large number of German wasps this summer. The population boom has meant that worker wasps can’t find work, so instead they go on a bender. They eat a lot of fermented fruit and get drunk, and when they get drunk, they get aggressive.

So basically, the Brits can’t stay outside for long this summer because there are so many wasps swerving their way through the skies looking for a fight. It’s that bad, and we’re still a month away from Oktoberfest.