Tagged: england

| Filed under War on Animals

Seagull sends shoppers running from grocery store

The seagulls’ blitz on the U.K. continues, in case you forgot that we aren’t the only ones being attacked. As you may recall, this onslaught is becoming a summer tradition.

Now it seems they aggressive gulls are taking the battle indoors. One such angry bird broke into a grocery store, or whatever they call them over there, in Truro, England. The seabird swooped down on customers, and was so aggressive that the store had to be evacuated. The dive bombing was brought to an end when the gull was captured and released outside.

And they say the American legal system is broken.

| Filed under It Must Be Science!, War on Animals

Seagulls attack people because of ants, study says

Once again, the English summer is marked by crazy seagulls. We told you about gull attacks last year, but it seems they’re even worse now, and it’s all because of ants.

According to a new study, English seagulls are acting strangely because they’re eating so many ants. The weather conditions in England, America’s beta version, have produced a bumper crop of flying ants this year, and they are leaving their nests early, too. This means the seagulls can easily gorge themselves on the insects. Researchers believe the ant-laden birds act a bit drunk because of how the ants react in their bellies, which makes them more prone to attacking humans.

The science is clear: we must wipe ants from the safe of the Earth, or mankind will never be safe.

| Filed under Regular Post

Bacon: The tastiest weapon of all

Bacon has enjoyed a long reign. Countless memes sing its praises online, and it keeps getting added to different foods. It’s the pumpkin spice of the meat world. Here in the U.S., it kills people slowly. But did you know it can also be a more immediate weapon?

In England, an 86-year-old woman was doing some grocery shopping when, according to authorities, a younger woman stopped her and demanded her money. The old woman took a packet of bacon and struck the would-be thief, scaring her off.

We should mention that guns aren’t allowed over there, so citizens have to get creative when it comes to self-defense.

| Filed under War on Animals

Foxes cut fuel lines, parrot frames woman

Every day you’re in danger of being attacked by animals. But even then, it’s with their teeth and claws. Now, animals are using their brains to get you.

Drivers in one town in England are in danger, because foxes keep eating their brake lines. Authorities say the foxes in Tunbridge Wells are to blame for biting the brake lines on at least six different cars. Police warn that the foxes have acquired a taste for brake fluid, but it’s pretty obvious that’s just a cover. They are trying to kill people without having to do the work themselves.

In Michigan, a woman is being investigated in her husband’s murder after the couple’s pet African grey parrot repeated an argument and the sound of a gunshot. Police believed at first that someone broke in and shot the couple, killing the husband and injuring the wife. But the parrot’s testimony has them wondering if the woman shot her husband during an argument.

We don’t need to tell you the obvious. The parrot is trying to frame the woman, and likely shot the two people itself.

| Filed under It Must Be Science!

Male sparrows stop supporting cheating females

When it comes to mating habits, animals are pretty immoral. Some have a hook-up culture, some murder each other after copulation, and some abandon their young as soon as they are born. But we’re on board with how the sparrow does things.

Researchers were curious as to why male sparrows in England can often turn lazy. It turns out that when a dude sparrow figures out his mate is cheating on him, he spends less time supporting her and their hatchlings. This makes sense. If your old lady is running around on you, maybe you don’t need to support her cheating ways.

The English sparrows have not yet developed the concept of a pre-nup, scientists concluded.

| Filed under Regular Post

Pregnant woman eats bricks

Nom nom nom.
Nom nom nom.

Pregnant women get some weird cravings, if TV and movies are any indication. But typically, these cravings are limited to things that are actually food.

In England, one woman has a taste for pieces of her own house while she was in the family way. She was forced to admit that she had been eating crushed up bricks, mortar and dirt from the exterior of her house when her baby’s father said he was going to report the need for repairs to their landlord.

The lesson here is that if your house needs repairs, blame the pregnant woman first.

| Filed under Regular Post

English monument collected tons of pigeon poop

England is covered in historical stuff. You can’t walk two metres without hitting a pub that some dandy drank a hogshead of ale at some six centuries ago. But not everything old and historical is worth it.

A monument dating back to medieval times was due for its once-a-millennium cleaning, and experts found it was filled with about 28 tons of pigeon crap stacked three feet high. The towers on the Landgate Arch has no roof. That means they are basically open pits for birds. The cleaners had trouble opening the door to the tower because of the weight of the pigeon poop inside. They said the interior was “like walking on a giant chocolate cake,” only it didn’t smell like cake.

Hope you weren’t eating just now.

| Filed under Booze News

Finally, a gin that makes you look younger

Alright kid, you've had enough for tonight.
Alright kid, you’ve had enough for tonight.

Do you drink? Do you enjoy gin, but hate that you’re drinking yourself into an early grave? Are you easily swayed by gimmicks? We’ve got the gin for you.

Enter Anti-aGin, a gin distilled from collagen, and who doesn’t love the taste of collagen? As people who don’t read this site will know, collagen is stuff that’s good for your skin. It helps your skin stay firm. The loss of collagen overtime is one of the effects of aging. Not that it’s backed up by science, but the thinking is that if you can drink collagen, you’ll enjoy a buzz and get a nice, youthful glow. That’s assuming your cheeks aren’t flushed from drinking in the first place.

Like most other shady sounding beverages we feature, Anti-aGin is only available in the U.K. Write your congressman today and tell them you want to drink from the fountain of youth.

| Filed under War on Animals

George Clooney held captive by mating toads

Folks, the animals have struck and struck hard. We fear for the safety of George and Amal Clooney. Their property in England has been overrun.

According to volunteers, nearly 5,000 toads have been caught trying to infiltrate the Clooney mansion’s grounds to reach a series of ponds because it’s mating season. The horny toads are migrating under the pretense of multiplying, but this is merely a thinly-veiled assault on two of the most important people in the world.

We do not have confirmation of the location of the Clooneys, all we can do is pray that they are safe right now.

| Filed under Regular Post

Texting Brits keep walking into huge sculpture

The war between technology and art has finally come to a head. And it looks as if technology has won the first battle.

In England, technology has forced a one-ton sculpture to be moved months before it was scheduled to do so, all because people on their phones keep walking into it. “The Kiss” features two giant hands coming together. They say it’s supposed to look like faces kissing, but we’re not artsy enough to see that. The sculpture had been placed on a pathway on a cathedral’s grounds, with one hand coming up from each side of the path. But because of the low clearance, those who weren’t paying attention wound up getting bitch slapped by the huge hands.

We have a feeling that art will have the last laugh, however. In a decade or so, some artist is going to make an ugly sculpture out of old cell phones.