The English summer of animal-related terror (we need to come up with a better name than that) continues on. We don’t want to alarm anyone, but Great Britain could be in the process of being overrun by tarantulas.
Britons, we’re not sure how to put this, but there could be some bird-eating spiders on the loose right this very moment. In Derbyshire, England, 10 pots were found in the parking lot of a store. All of them were labeled, “Brazilian pink bird-eating spiders.”
That’s somewhat odd, but not really cause for concern. But was is cause for concern is that two of the pots had been broken after being hit by cars. Three baby tarantulas were found in the other pots, and authorities worry that the parents may have escaped.
Bird-eating tarantulas on the loose? Maybe they could eat the drunken seagulls at the beach.
Another summer, another assault on Britons by aggressive and unruly seagulls. This year, they’re getting drunk and rowdy.
In South West England, seagulls are getting drunk off of half-full (or half-empty) alcoholic drinks that people abandon on the beach. Which is concerning first, because if you can’t finish a drink, you shouldn’t order it in the first place, Nigel.
These drunken seagulls caw loudly, and probably say some crude stuff to women on the boardwalk. Firefighters were called when one seagull fell off of a roof and was too drunk to fly. The bird then threw up on a firefighter.
The seagull and two of his friends were taken in to the drunk tank.
The U.K. is slowly calming down after a scare that it was being invaded by crocs.
Last week, a retiree was out riding his bike along the River Thames, better known as that river that flows through London, when he saw a crocodile in the river. This set off a wave of panic throughout the country, as citizens rightfully wondered if the animals were going after the royal family. But, as it turns out, it was just a fake gator used in Live and Let Die, you know, the James Bond movie that takes place in Louisiana.
The prop, which was used in the scene where Roger Moore runs across the backs of gators, was stored on an island by a man who worked on several Bond films, and likely washed away during recent flooding.
Had the Thames gator, or croc, or whatever, been the real deal, we’re sure that Bond would have handled it.
If you ever live old enough and can afford to retire, which if you regularly read this blog seems like an unlikely scenario, we recommend retiring in England, where assisted living facilities offer a bit more than their U.S. counterparts.
One such place, which promises a holistic approach to their care, is now hiring strippers and escorts for their residents. This, coupled with all those reports of all the old-people sex going on at retirement homes, makes us think that retirement may finally sound more like college than prison.
Lance Armstrong has destroyed America. First, he let down the United States Postal Team, breaking the government. Then, he destroyed fans of competitive cycling all over the nation, both of them, by breaking the good name of the sport by taking drugs. Then he destroyed the hearts of kids around the nation by showing them that truly there are no heroes (except us).
And now? Now he’s managed to destroy the DVD industry of England. Or at least the DVD selling industry of one guy in England.
Thanks a lot, Obama.
In what can only be presented as the first ever fusion of Abbott and Costello meets Benny Hill, an officer managed to chase himself for 20 minutes.
Okay, so, yeah, there IS more to it than just that. Britain is filled with CCTV surveillance, all to help out security. An undercover officer was patrolling the area after crimes had hit it earlier. A camera operator let him know that there was a suspicious character seen in the vicinity of him. Except, since he was undercover, the camera operator did not know what the officer looked like, and in order to not attract attention, the undercover wasn’t going to make it obvious that he was a cop. Nonetheless, neither would stop doing their job, as crime was potentially afoot!
This unintentional bit of comedy continued for nearly half an hour before a higher ranking official came into the monitoring booth and pointed out just how wrong both parties were.
Remember kids, England’s the country that tried to take us over a long time ago. Somehow.
Remember last month when a bunch of blue balls fell from the sky in England, and the Guys theorized that it was the work of a gender-specific male sky?
We maaaay have been off. Or at least, science seems to think that we are.
Nerds Jerk-faced jerks that want to prove us wrong Scientists at Bournemouth University claim to have solved the mystery, claiming that they’re actually a chemical polymers found in gardening tools and diapers. This means we can now add one more stereotype to the British:
- Not only do the British have horribly offensive teeth, BUT…
- They also have diaper breath.
We now have factual proof of gender and objects in the world above us. How so?
Last week, blue balls fell from the sky in England.
As such, the sky is clearly a dude and he’s surrounded by tons of hot women clouds. That is the only logical idea I can take away from the incident. Blue ice? Water beads? Alien glass? Leftovers from when the International Space Station first went up? No way, brah, it’s totally a case of near-testicular torsion, at the sky level.
Here in the U.S. of A, at times, we citizens feel pressure to eat nothing but junk food. Deep-fried, massive caloric, heavy in transfats, it doesn’t matter: all of those descriptions taste delicious. Oh sure, we’ll blow out our colon on the terlet, but think of the savings we get in our budget!
Well, maybe we need to think otherwise. I mean, we’re all dying sooner and sooner. There’s a heavy risk of heart disease and other related conditions from both sides of my family. But it’s not easy! I mean, everyone’s tried the diets, whether fad or basic, but they just don’t work. So it’s time to look across the pond and see what the English might have to offer. Peter Andrews, a building worker, has found an exemplary way to cut out the pounds. As follows:
- Get blindly drunk.
- Attempt to get late night McDonald’s after closing. Be refused service.
- Go back home and get behind the wheel of your car.
- Ask for service one more time. Be refused once again.
- Drive the back end of your car into the entrance of the building repeatedly.
- Get arrested for your crime. At your sentencing, be banned from all McDonald’s in the country.
See? Simple and effective!
If you have a wart, you can freeze it off. Or burn it off. Or rub a toad over it, however that old wives’ tale goes. Personally, I can’t say for sure because I’ve never had one, but I’m pretty sure at least one of those methods will work … but not nearly as efficient as a shotgun. A shotgun blast will remove the wart from the face of the Earth, as long as you don’t mind such bothersome parts of your body, like … parts of your body.
Right, Sean Murphy?
Right! Murphy had been vexed, nay, bedeviled, by the annoying bump for years and felt that enough was enough. Unfortunately (or luckily?), the wart was located on his hand, and as such, he now has a stump for a middle finger on his left hand.
The most surprising part of the story? Murphy lives in Britain, a country not known for white-trash home medicine hijinks.