The Brits don’t do well after being eliminated from the World Cup.
According to startling reports, commuters in Yorkshire, England, had to deal with the age-old hazard of mashed potatoes on the road on Monday. A truck dumped about a quarter of its load of mashed potatoes for some reason, and drivers just had to deal with it until firefighters figured out a way to remove it.
The questions abound. Were the potatoes mashed already, or did the cars do that? How did they taste? Why does there exist a truck carrying nothing but mashed potatoes? How much gravy had to be used? We may never know.
Breaking away from merry ol’ Blighty was a decision that paid off. Sure, mind you, in the United States, we have the state of Florida, but at least our men don’t continuously play Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.” Because in Strood, England, that definitely goes down.
After his neighbors complained, Gareth Davies had all of his audio equipment (a 3D tv, a laptop, speakers and a PS3) confiscated by the Medway Council. All due to Davies playing Dion’s hit song from the Titanic soundtrack. Seems like a little harsh, right? It was found that Davies had ignored six prior notices about the noise. Oh. That’s a lot of leniency given to an obsession over a song.
We’ve heard unconfirmed rumors that René Angélil has contacted the Medway Council, asking if they’d give his house the same ruling.
It seems like a cliché at this point, because it’s in movies all the time: a cop shows up at the door during a party and the person who answers mistakes the police officer for a stripper. Turns out, it happens in real life.
In England, a 27-year-old man and his friends had been drinking and getting rowdy in a pub when the police came in to investigate. (Because it’s England, and you have no rights.) The man took a female cop for a stripper and began dancing in front of her (because in England, you dance for the strippers) and slapping her with a bar towel.
The man was of course arrested, but refused to believe that she wasn’t a stripper until they arrived at the police station.
The good news is, her phobia will die soon.
A woman in England has an intense fear of newspapers, so much that she cannot even look at them, according to reports, granted they are from British newspapers, so it could be made up. For about 25 years, Diane Freelove has had chloephobia, and it’s gotten worse as time goes on. At one point, she only needed to wash her hands after holding a newspaper, now she hates the smell of them.
On the list of irrational fears, this is not one of them.
There’s a town in England where no one gets a good night’s sleep. They go to bed, they fall asleep, but then all of a sudden, a hum pulsates through the homes, disturbing all of the residents. It has gotten so bad that some people have left the area just so they can sleep.
Turns out, it’s a type of fish in the river trying to hook up. Male Midshipman fish try to hum to attract females, and the hum is so low that it carries out of the water and into buildings. Also, they just like to mess with us.
The United States Postal Service has a saying:
Neither snow nor rain nor heat nor gloom of night stays these couriers from the swift completion of their appointed rounds.
Now, said postmen have used a variety of other reasons to prevent your mail from coming to you, but regardless, they’re a fairly brave folk. Not so much for our counterparts over the pond.
The mail for Stuart Robertson-Reed had stopped being delivered to him and all because of arachnids. Potentially one or potentially a legion of them. Whatever the amount, per his postman, a massive web is in the front gate and won’t be delivered until something is done. Luckily, one brave postal worker thought the situation was manageable and sent the mail on.
Does England have a spider uprising? Can we even count on postal workers in the war? Troubling times, my friends. Troubling times.
There was nearly an escape of a large number on monkeys from a zoo in England yesterday, and thanks to the quick thinking of facility employees, disaster was averted.
A group chimpanzees somehow made it out of their holding area and into “a secure area” while they were being moved to new housing. Apparently they were just steps away from breaking out of the zoo altogether. And they would have, had zoo workers not coaxed them back in with ice cream and “fizzy drinks.”
Had this happened in New York, Michael Bloomberg would have had those heroes arrested for trying to make the chimps fat.
It’s one of the worst things about being out at a bar. You have to wait 15 minutes for a drink, it’s hot, it’s crowded, and even your phone’s dead. Now you can’t even look at what’s going on on Facebook like the other 250 people in the bar. What are you going to do?
Luckily, you’ve got the world’s first cell phone powered by urine. Researchers at the Bristol Robotics Laboratory in the U.K. have found a way to charge a cellular phone (or as they say in England, a “moby-uhl”) using microbial fuel cells that feed on urine. Scientists say that urine is an energy source that will never run out, and will make your phone smell great.
There could be something deadly in your refrigerator, and it’s not the moldy leftovers.
In England, a jar of homemade rhubarb chutney turned into a bomb. A 66-year-old woman was sleeping when an explosion in the kitchen awoke her. We’re not exactly sure how this works, but the exploding jar had enough force to blow the refrigerator door off and caused a crack in the ceiling.
This is why everyone makes fun of you for canning your food.
First now there was the Spider-Man incident from last month in California. Now there’s word of a violent rampage by She-Hulk in Britain.
Friends, the Super Hero Registration Act looms large and on the horizon. If you see Speedball or Mark Millar in your area, run.