Every day you’re in danger of being attacked by animals. But even then, it’s with their teeth and claws. Now, animals are using their brains to get you.
Drivers in one town in England are in danger, because foxes keep eating their brake lines. Authorities say the foxes in Tunbridge Wells are to blame for biting the brake lines on at least six different cars. Police warn that the foxes have acquired a taste for brake fluid, but it’s pretty obvious that’s just a cover. They are trying to kill people without having to do the work themselves.
In Michigan, a woman is being investigated in her husband’s murder after the couple’s pet African grey parrot repeated an argument and the sound of a gunshot. Police believed at first that someone broke in and shot the couple, killing the husband and injuring the wife. But the parrot’s testimony has them wondering if the woman shot her husband during an argument.
We don’t need to tell you the obvious. The parrot is trying to frame the woman, and likely shot the two people itself.
When it comes to mating habits, animals are pretty immoral. Some have a hook-up culture, some murder each other after copulation, and some abandon their young as soon as they are born. But we’re on board with how the sparrow does things.
Researchers were curious as to why male sparrows in England can often turn lazy. It turns out that when a dude sparrow figures out his mate is cheating on him, he spends less time supporting her and their hatchlings. This makes sense. If your old lady is running around on you, maybe you don’t need to support her cheating ways.
The English sparrows have not yet developed the concept of a pre-nup, scientists concluded.
Pregnant women get some weird cravings, if TV and movies are any indication. But typically, these cravings are limited to things that are actually food.
In England, one woman has a taste for pieces of her own house while she was in the family way. She was forced to admit that she had been eating crushed up bricks, mortar and dirt from the exterior of her house when her baby’s father said he was going to report the need for repairs to their landlord.
The lesson here is that if your house needs repairs, blame the pregnant woman first.
England is covered in historical stuff. You can’t walk two metres without hitting a pub that some dandy drank a hogshead of ale at some six centuries ago. But not everything old and historical is worth it.
A monument dating back to medieval times was due for its once-a-millennium cleaning, and experts found it was filled with about 28 tons of pigeon crap stacked three feet high. The towers on the Landgate Arch has no roof. That means they are basically open pits for birds. The cleaners had trouble opening the door to the tower because of the weight of the pigeon poop inside. They said the interior was “like walking on a giant chocolate cake,” only it didn’t smell like cake.
Do you drink? Do you enjoy gin, but hate that you’re drinking yourself into an early grave? Are you easily swayed by gimmicks? We’ve got the gin for you.
Enter Anti-aGin, a gin distilled from collagen, and who doesn’t love the taste of collagen? As people who don’t read this site will know, collagen is stuff that’s good for your skin. It helps your skin stay firm. The loss of collagen overtime is one of the effects of aging. Not that it’s backed up by science, but the thinking is that if you can drink collagen, you’ll enjoy a buzz and get a nice, youthful glow. That’s assuming your cheeks aren’t flushed from drinking in the first place.
The war between technology and art has finally come to a head. And it looks as if technology has won the first battle.
In England, technology has forced a one-ton sculpture to be moved months before it was scheduled to do so, all because people on their phones keep walking into it. “The Kiss” features two giant hands coming together. They say it’s supposed to look like faces kissing, but we’re not artsy enough to see that. The sculpture had been placed on a pathway on a cathedral’s grounds, with one hand coming up from each side of the path. But because of the low clearance, those who weren’t paying attention wound up getting bitch slapped by the huge hands.
We have a feeling that art will have the last laugh, however. In a decade or so, some artist is going to make an ugly sculpture out of old cell phones.
Next time you’re in a boat, take a moment to appreciate that there are men and women willing to risk their lives to save your life. If an inflatable doll could talk, it would certainly give thanks.
Off the coast of Cornwall, England, a fisherman reported seeing an elderly person in the water, struggling to keep afloat in the rough seas. A coast guard helicopter and Royal Navy ship searched the waters, and located what appeared to be a person. They saved what they soon found was an inflatable sex doll, and just in time, as the doll seemed to have lost all its air and could have gone under at any time.
The doll was wearing pants and a shirt, because English sex toys are just classier than ours.
There are probably better ways at getting back at your boss.
A man in England got drunk and crashed his boss’ car two different times. The first one, a Land Rover, happened earlier this year. He was arrested and charged, as he should have been, but he wasn’t done yet. A month later, authorities say he stole his boss’ other car, a Mini (apparently his boss doesn’t like mid-size cars) and crashed it into three parked cars, while drunk.
The man was just sentenced to two years in jail this week, removing the potential for an awkward office Christmas party.
Some holiday magic landed in London last Friday. The bad news is that the holiday cheer is already dried up.
Carlsberg, a brand of beer you’ve probably seen on soccer jerseys, set up a Christmas tree along the Thames River in London on Friday. This wasn’t just any Christmas tree, it came with a gift for everyone: the gift of free beer. For seven hours, Londoners got to drink free beer. We can only assume that this led to other holiday traditions in England, such as throwing up in the street and getting into fistfights.
Here’s hoping for the Christmas miracle to make it here to the U.S.