There’s a town in England where no one gets a good night’s sleep. They go to bed, they fall asleep, but then all of a sudden, a hum pulsates through the homes, disturbing all of the residents. It has gotten so bad that some people have left the area just so they can sleep.
Turns out, it’s a type of fish in the river trying to hook up. Male Midshipman fish try to hum to attract females, and the hum is so low that it carries out of the water and into buildings. Also, they just like to mess with us.
The United States Postal Service has a saying:
Neither snow nor rain nor heat nor gloom of night stays these couriers from the swift completion of their appointed rounds.
Now, said postmen have used a variety of other reasons to prevent your mail from coming to you, but regardless, they’re a fairly brave folk. Not so much for our counterparts over the pond.
The mail for Stuart Robertson-Reed had stopped being delivered to him and all because of arachnids. Potentially one or potentially a legion of them. Whatever the amount, per his postman, a massive web is in the front gate and won’t be delivered until something is done. Luckily, one brave postal worker thought the situation was manageable and sent the mail on.
Does England have a spider uprising? Can we even count on postal workers in the war? Troubling times, my friends. Troubling times.
There was nearly an escape of a large number on monkeys from a zoo in England yesterday, and thanks to the quick thinking of facility employees, disaster was averted.
A group chimpanzees somehow made it out of their holding area and into “a secure area” while they were being moved to new housing. Apparently they were just steps away from breaking out of the zoo altogether. And they would have, had zoo workers not coaxed them back in with ice cream and “fizzy drinks.”
Had this happened in New York, Michael Bloomberg would have had those heroes arrested for trying to make the chimps fat.
It’s one of the worst things about being out at a bar. You have to wait 15 minutes for a drink, it’s hot, it’s crowded, and even your phone’s dead. Now you can’t even look at what’s going on on Facebook like the other 250 people in the bar. What are you going to do?
Luckily, you’ve got the world’s first cell phone powered by urine. Researchers at the Bristol Robotics Laboratory in the U.K. have found a way to charge a cellular phone (or as they say in England, a “moby-uhl”) using microbial fuel cells that feed on urine. Scientists say that urine is an energy source that will never run out, and will make your phone smell great.
There could be something deadly in your refrigerator, and it’s not the moldy leftovers.
In England, a jar of homemade rhubarb chutney turned into a bomb. A 66-year-old woman was sleeping when an explosion in the kitchen awoke her. We’re not exactly sure how this works, but the exploding jar had enough force to blow the refrigerator door off and caused a crack in the ceiling.
This is why everyone makes fun of you for canning your food.
First now there was the Spider-Man incident from last month in California. Now there’s word of a violent rampage by She-Hulk in Britain.
Friends, the Super Hero Registration Act looms large and on the horizon. If you see Speedball or Mark Millar in your area, run.
The U.K. is slowly calming down after a scare that it was being invaded by crocs.
Last week, a retiree was out riding his bike along the River Thames, better known as that river that flows through London, when he saw a crocodile in the river. This set off a wave of panic throughout the country, as citizens rightfully wondered if the animals were going after the royal family. But, as it turns out, it was just a fake gator used in Live and Let Die, you know, the James Bond movie that takes place in Louisiana.
The prop, which was used in the scene where Roger Moore runs across the backs of gators, was stored on an island by a man who worked on several Bond films, and likely washed away during recent flooding.
Had the Thames gator, or croc, or whatever, been the real deal, we’re sure that Bond would have handled it.
If you ever live old enough and can afford to retire, which if you regularly read this blog seems like an unlikely scenario, we recommend retiring in England, where assisted living facilities offer a bit more than their U.S. counterparts.
One such place, which promises a holistic approach to their care, is now hiring strippers and escorts for their residents. This, coupled with all those reports of all the old-people sex going on at retirement homes, makes us think that retirement may finally sound more like college than prison.
Lance Armstrong has destroyed America. First, he let down the United States Postal Team, breaking the government. Then, he destroyed fans of competitive cycling all over the nation, both of them, by breaking the good name of the sport by taking drugs. Then he destroyed the hearts of kids around the nation by showing them that truly there are no heroes (except us).
And now? Now he’s managed to destroy the DVD industry of England. Or at least the DVD selling industry of one guy in England.
Thanks a lot, Obama.
In what can only be presented as the first ever fusion of Abbott and Costello meets Benny Hill, an officer managed to chase himself for 20 minutes.
Okay, so, yeah, there IS more to it than just that. Britain is filled with CCTV surveillance, all to help out security. An undercover officer was patrolling the area after crimes had hit it earlier. A camera operator let him know that there was a suspicious character seen in the vicinity of him. Except, since he was undercover, the camera operator did not know what the officer looked like, and in order to not attract attention, the undercover wasn’t going to make it obvious that he was a cop. Nonetheless, neither would stop doing their job, as crime was potentially afoot!
This unintentional bit of comedy continued for nearly half an hour before a higher ranking official came into the monitoring booth and pointed out just how wrong both parties were.
Remember kids, England’s the country that tried to take us over a long time ago. Somehow.