Tagged: england

| Filed under You Missed It

You Missed It: State of paranoia edition

Gov. Greg Abbott, seen here in between sessions of furious masturbation watching ads for "Texas Rising," a TV event coming to History this Memorial Day. Check your local listings.
Gov. Greg Abbott, seen here in between sessions of furious masturbation watching ads for “Texas Rising,” a TV event coming to History this Memorial Day. Check your local listings.

Every now and then, corporate America latches on to a song and decides we need to hear it a million times — not just on the radio, but in ads, too. Right now, it’s that damn “Renegades” song by a band you’ve never heard of. The worst part about a band selling out and putting their song in a commercial to make it big is that commercials run about five times every half hour. I wouldn’t complain if commercials went back to using faux-dubstep or their best impression of a Black Keys song. If you were busy releasing a report on the dumbest sports controversy ever this week, odds are you missed it.

No one wants Dallas
This week, the Pentagon had to explain that an upcoming training exercise involving special forces is not an attempt by the federal government to take over Texas, after Gov. Greg Abbott told the state national guard to monitor the operation and ensure that citizens’ rights aren’t infringed upon. Oh Texas, you’re so cute when you think you’re not a conquered people.

Meanwhile, in sports everyone has an opinion about
Following his loss to noted domestic abuser Floyd Mayweather, boxer Manny Pacquiao is facing a $5 million lawsuit for not disclosing his shoulder injury, which he will have operated on. People are upset that they bet money on a fighter without knowing everything about his condition. Folks, putting money on the outcome of a sporting event is called a gamble, not an investment.

Woman gives birth
Hey, remember that country we fought a couple wars against a couple centuries ago? They were all tyrannical and stuff? As it turns out, in the 21st century, they still have a family that tax dollars pay for to live in palaces and travel the world. I know, right! Not only that, but apparently they had a kid this week. What’s that? Oh, I don’t know. I think it was a girl or something probably.

| Filed under Booze News, War on Animals

Animals and their human allies ruin a London bar

If you’re in London this month, you’re probably excited about Annie the Owl, a pop up bar that will be open for only one week. You are also probably a crazy person.

The draw of the bar is that you get to drink with owls. For those of you who don’t know, owls are huge, scary birds that can see you in the dark, and have long talons that could slice you up in a fraction of a second. A place filled with these flying death machines seems like a good place to drink, doesn’t it?

Now, the bar has cut the service of all alcohol in response to concerns from animal rights groups. So you can’t even enjoy the bar for the reason you’re there: to get drunk.

| Filed under Booze News

Prison is too good for him

When you buy a bottle of something, you expect to get what the label says is in the bottle. Only the lowest forms of life would defraud at thirsty sot.

In Backpool, England, a man has been charged with selling fake liquor. To be fair, he was selling it in a designated area in town where there are slot machines, so people probably knew it wasn’t on the up-and-up in the first place. However, according to authorities, the man sold sealed bottles of Jack Daniel’s whiskey and Smirnoff vodka that were actually filled with water. Worse yet, the bottles of Jack contained human urine and feces, probably for color.

But let’s be clear, the most heinous crime of all is selling fake hootch. Do they still draw and quarter people over there?

| Filed under Regular Post

London sewers may not be able to handle the holiday traffic

When it comes to the holidays, Americans aren’t the only ones who gorge themselves. In fact, our former mother country tops us in it, so much so that they clog not just toilets, but sewers.

Every Christmas, or whatever they call it over there, the London sewer system gets even more clogged than usual with what can only be described as “fatbergs.” Everything remotely solid that Londoners flush or send down the drains daily, from fat left over from cooking, to wipes, to solid waste, congeals and causes sewers to slow down, even threatening them from over flowing. And it gets worse around the holidays.

Now try watching Love Actually.

| Filed under Regular Post

Quest for Grail leads cops to British pub

The Holy Grail maybe missing, but at least we now know that it’s not somewhere in an English pub.

Bobbies searched a village pub in Herefordshire, England, trying to locate an old wooden cup believed by some to be the cup that Jesus sipped from at the Last Supper. The cup, which spent centuries in a Welsh mansion by monks to hide it from King Henry VIII, had been stolen about a month ago. Authorities had a tip that it might be in the bar.

Or maybe Robert Langdon just got a little thirsty.

| Filed under Regular Post

Caution: Mashed potatoes on roadway

The Brits don’t do well after being eliminated from the World Cup.

According to startling reports, commuters in Yorkshire, England, had to deal with the age-old hazard of mashed potatoes on the road on Monday. A truck dumped about a quarter of its load of mashed potatoes for some reason, and drivers just had to deal with it until firefighters figured out a way to remove it.

The questions abound. Were the potatoes mashed already, or did the cars do that? How did they taste? Why does there exist a truck carrying nothing but mashed potatoes? How much gravy had to be used? We may never know.

| Filed under Regular Post

A song you love should not be like your heart

Breaking away from merry ol’ Blighty was a decision that paid off. Sure, mind you, in the United States, we have the state of Florida, but at least our men don’t continuously play Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.” Because in Strood, England, that definitely goes down.

After his neighbors complained, Gareth Davies had all of his audio equipment (a 3D tv, a laptop, speakers and a PS3) confiscated by the Medway Council. All due to Davies playing Dion’s hit song from the Titanic soundtrack. Seems like a little harsh, right? It was found that Davies had ignored six prior notices about the noise. Oh. That’s a lot of leniency given to an obsession over a song.

We’ve heard unconfirmed rumors that René Angélil has contacted the Medway Council, asking if they’d give his house the same ruling.

| Filed under Stripper News

Apparently cops are sexy in England

It seems like a cliché at this point, because it’s in movies all the time: a cop shows up at the door during a party and the person who answers mistakes the police officer for a stripper. Turns out, it happens in real life.

In England, a 27-year-old man and his friends had been drinking and getting rowdy in a pub when the police came in to investigate. (Because it’s England, and you have no rights.) The man took a female cop for a stripper and began dancing in front of her (because in England, you dance for the strippers) and slapping her with a bar towel.

The man was of course arrested, but refused to believe that she wasn’t a stripper until they arrived at the police station.

| Filed under Regular Post

Woman afraid of newspapers may not be crazy

The good news is, her phobia will die soon.

A woman in England has an intense fear of newspapers, so much that she cannot even look at them, according to reports, granted they are from British newspapers, so it could be made up. For about 25 years, Diane Freelove has had chloephobia, and it’s gotten worse as time goes on. At one point, she only needed to wash her hands after holding a newspaper, now she hates the smell of them.

On the list of irrational fears, this is not one of them.

| Filed under War on Animals

Fish mating rituals will keep you up at night

There’s a town in England where no one gets a good night’s sleep. They go to bed, they fall asleep, but then all of a sudden, a hum pulsates through the homes, disturbing all of the residents. It has gotten so bad that some people have left the area just so they can sleep.

Turns out, it’s a type of fish in the river trying to hook up. Male Midshipman fish try to hum to attract females, and the hum is so low that it carries out of the water and into buildings. Also, they just like to mess with us.