We understand that with any sizable human population, there are going to be a few cases of soiled undies every year, but tens of thousands? Do the Brits not believe in throwing the evidence in the rubbish bin? Are U.K. toilets just more powerful than their American counterparts?
Sometimes, when an airline loses your luggage, you don’t put up a big fuss to find it, whether that’s because it’s filled with strange sex toys you’d rather not fess to or, oh, say …$60 million dollars’ worth of cocaine.
Animals, like teenagers, love to tie up the resources of our first responders with fake emergencies. This time it was two randy owls that got the best of the men and women who keep us all safe.
In England, a citizen heard what he or she thought were sounds of a couple in distress along a shoreline. The citizen reported hearing shouts from two people to the authorities, and the Coast Guard was sent out. The good news is that there were no people actually in trouble. The bad news is that it turned out to be mating owls that made the sounds. YA RLY.
This begs the question: Do owls have better sex than us?
According to a report from the bobbies, an 80-year-old woman was attacked and held hostage three days by two seagulls. The woman said she went outside to hang up her laundry, when two gulls swooped in, one holding her leg, and the other pecking it. She was able to escape her attackers and make it back inside her house, but the birds were out there waiting for her. It was only after the seagulls had relaxed just enough after three days that she was able to make a run for it and report to authorities.
British authorities refuse to comment on whether the birds that assaulted the old woman were met with swift justice.
The seagulls’ blitz on the U.K. continues, in case you forgot that we aren’t the only ones being attacked. As you may recall, this onslaught is becoming a summer tradition.
Now it seems they aggressive gulls are taking the battle indoors. One such angry bird broke into a grocery store, or whatever they call them over there, in Truro, England. The seabird swooped down on customers, and was so aggressive that the store had to be evacuated. The dive bombing was brought to an end when the gull was captured and released outside.
According to a new study, English seagulls are acting strangely because they’re eating so many ants. The weather conditions in England, America’s beta version, have produced a bumper crop of flying ants this year, and they are leaving their nests early, too. This means the seagulls can easily gorge themselves on the insects. Researchers believe the ant-laden birds act a bit drunk because of how the ants react in their bellies, which makes them more prone to attacking humans.
The science is clear: we must wipe ants from the safe of the Earth, or mankind will never be safe.
Bacon has enjoyed a long reign. Countless memes sing its praises online, and it keeps getting added to different foods. It’s the pumpkin spice of the meat world. Here in the U.S., it kills people slowly. But did you know it can also be a more immediate weapon?
Every day you’re in danger of being attacked by animals. But even then, it’s with their teeth and claws. Now, animals are using their brains to get you.
Drivers in one town in England are in danger, because foxes keep eating their brake lines. Authorities say the foxes in Tunbridge Wells are to blame for biting the brake lines on at least six different cars. Police warn that the foxes have acquired a taste for brake fluid, but it’s pretty obvious that’s just a cover. They are trying to kill people without having to do the work themselves.
In Michigan, a woman is being investigated in her husband’s murder after the couple’s pet African grey parrot repeated an argument and the sound of a gunshot. Police believed at first that someone broke in and shot the couple, killing the husband and injuring the wife. But the parrot’s testimony has them wondering if the woman shot her husband during an argument.
We don’t need to tell you the obvious. The parrot is trying to frame the woman, and likely shot the two people itself.
When it comes to mating habits, animals are pretty immoral. Some have a hook-up culture, some murder each other after copulation, and some abandon their young as soon as they are born. But we’re on board with how the sparrow does things.
Researchers were curious as to why male sparrows in England can often turn lazy. It turns out that when a dude sparrow figures out his mate is cheating on him, he spends less time supporting her and their hatchlings. This makes sense. If your old lady is running around on you, maybe you don’t need to support her cheating ways.
The English sparrows have not yet developed the concept of a pre-nup, scientists concluded.
Pregnant women get some weird cravings, if TV and movies are any indication. But typically, these cravings are limited to things that are actually food.
In England, one woman has a taste for pieces of her own house while she was in the family way. She was forced to admit that she had been eating crushed up bricks, mortar and dirt from the exterior of her house when her baby’s father said he was going to report the need for repairs to their landlord.
The lesson here is that if your house needs repairs, blame the pregnant woman first.