Prince William, future leading drain on the British economy, is getting married, and no one is more excited about it than The Guys.
For one, he’s marrying a really rich chick commoner, so that validates our own Cinderella fantasies. Also, royal weddings get U.K. women incredibly horny and desperate.
Well, the commemorative coin just dropped, son, and people have some complaints about it. Here’s what we have to say:
- Do all British young people look like Narnia actors?
- That can’t be William’s real Adam’s apple.
As if it isn’t bad enough having their princes throw out the first pitch at our baseball games, Queen Elizabeth herself came to the U.S.
For the first time in 35 years, the queen visited New York City, but luckily, she left in a New York minute. She visited Ground Zero and went the United Nations. The queen, 136, made the short trip at the end of her nine-day tour of Canada.
Apparently, she still thinks we’re a colony. Perhaps she should have dropped by on the Fourth to celebrate properly with us.
As the tensions mount between England and the United States for no apparent reason, since both countries are out of the World Cup, America’s embassy is the worst offender among foreign missions when it comes to paying traffic fines.
Apparently, our boys owe about $5.75 million. You know why we don’t pay it? Because it’s an unjust tax!
So, Great Britain might not be all that great of a place to live, as we have gently pointed out recently. But what about the good parts of England, you know, aside from Mr. Bean?
Folks, over there you can get wine sold in glasses–at a convenience store. James Nash created individual glasses with wine in them for sale, and apparently they are selling like tea and crumpets over there. All you do is tear off the lid like it’s a serving of pudding, and enjoy!
That gives us a great idea: whiskey-in-a-glass.
There’s been a lot of anti-English sentiment as of late (and rightly so), but it’s times like this we remember they are our wartime allies.
Princes William and Harry were in Botswana for some reason, and again, for some reason, were holding an 8-foot African rock python which wrapped around them and attempted to pee on the royalty, which is pretty much like peeing on the Union Jack. Luckily, the two princes escaped unharmed.
What was their security detail thinking?
Sometimes, the United Kingdom is one of our closest allies. In nearly every war we’ve fought since double ya double ya ah, we’ve been joined at the hip heading into battle (except for World War II, where we decided to sit the first couple years out).
But now, there’s a rift that could threaten to undo the great alliance between the limeys and the Greatest Nation on Earth. You may have heard about the whole dissolution of Parliament and Prime Minister Gordon Brown stepping down thing, but did you know that they hold elections there, too?
That’s a good thing, America likes democracy, but we don’t let our animals vote. England cannot say the same thing. An English woman said her pig, or as they call them over there, “pig,” received a voter registration letter for the upcoming general election. How can we possibly be allies with a country that let’s mankind’s greatest foe vote in its own elections?
I’m pretty sure that’s what the War of 1812 was about.
Because if you’re in Britain, there’s a chance that your request might end up giving him an eye instead. Or a liver. Or a hypothalamus.
The National Health Service, or NHS, made just a little bit of a mistake by incorrectly recording which organs of some of the citizens are to be donated.
And by some, I mean up to 800,000. Whoopsidoodle.
Yes, it might be St. Patrick’s Day, but I’m sad, folks. I’m sad because the Gloucester, England Whitsun cheese rolling has been canceled this year due to safety concerns. Can you imagine?
What can be deemed unsafe about chasing a 7-lb. wheel of cheese down a steep hill? It’s a 200-year-old tradition in England, like the running of the bulls, the only difference is that the cheese doesn’t have horns. Apparently, a bunch of dudes running and falling and rolling end over end down a hill is dangerous.
WHERE IS YOUR SOCIALIZED HEALTH CARE NOW?
Julie Knight of Coxley, England came home to a gruesome just horrible sight. More than 100 dead and injured starlings had fallen out of the sky and onto her property.
It’s just such a horrible thing to happen. Truly.
The Royal Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals were unable to determine the cause of the birds death. The birds sustained physical injuries-they were neither poisoned nor did they fly into power lines. RSPCA spokeswoman Helen Cohen believes the birds may have been surprised by a predator:
The only possible explanation we can think of is that something has caused the flock to suddenly change their direction of flight and caused them to hit the ground.
It could have been that a bird of prey could have scared them into doing this, but it is still a mystery really.
The theory at SG Towers? The animals have now begun using kamikaze techniques-en masse. Which is truly terrifying. Who knows if it’ll end with just starlings, which are scary enough with their pointy beaks, and not something larger, like vultures or winged pigs?
It’s Ash Wednesday, all you Catholics out there. We know you’re excited. Are you ready to give something up for Lent? Did you forget it was Lent in the first place? It happens.
Bishops in England have a suggestion for what you should give up: your iPod. Instead of forgoing chocolate, soda or something along those lines, why don’t you give up something that will help save the environment? Give up some piece of technology (that you’re addicted to anyway), reduce your power consumption, do something to be greener.
We’d just like to say: please don’t give up your computer. We’d miss you.