Child care expendible in England

The downfall of the U.S. economy is not only being felt here at home, it is being felt abroad as well. Yes, it is a sign of the times when wealthy British people are tightening their belts and letting go of their nannies.

This truly is sad news. How will our their nation’s wealthy care for their children when they are too busy working to continue their ridiculously wealthy lifestyle? Are they going to be forced to quit their jobs and raise their own children? Or even worse, send their children to day care with middle class children?

Let us remind you why this is bad for Americans. If British nannies cannot find work in their own country, they will come to the U.S., legally or not, and start raising our nation’s wealthy children to speak with accents, enjoy games like rugby and polo, and enjoy Earl Grey tea. Worst of all, they’ll be bringing with them their limey families and having anchor babies here so they won’t get deported. They won’t even speak our language! And slowly, they will sap our welfare system dry.

Watch the skies. There could be flying umbrellas westbound over the Atlantic already.

Crumpets, get your crumpets here!

Baseball is really only played in the U.S.–and Japan–and Cuba–and the Dominican Republic–and OK, anyway, it’s an American sport. It’s the national pastime, and it’s the most watched sport in the country aside from football. But it looks as if the limeys are trying to steal home.

Yes, England is trying to steal the title of country of origin of baseball. Oh yeah? Then why do they play OUR national anthem at the beginning of games?

A journal from 1755 has a brief mention of the game being played in the South of England. Some friends got together on Easter Monday (better known as the day the rest of the world works) and played “base ball.” The alleged game was between the old rivals the Gov’nahs and the Redcoats.

Nice try, England. Next you’re going to try to tell us that apple pie was brought over by Hessian troops you hired to fight us in the Revolution. We are as American as cricket and apple strudel.

What? Is there no cash in Hell?

Once again, the undead are trying to defraud our governments, but luckily, they remain overseas.

However, it seems they are getting cleverer, using the aid of the living. Ahmad Akhtary died in Afghanistan a while back. His wife has the death certificate to prove it.  But then Akhtary showed up for a doctor’s appointment in England (perhaps to better determine the cause of his own death.

Luckily, Akhtary got a punishment, No, not the shot to the head that all zombies deserve, he got 60 hours of community service. His wife, who we assume has not been bitten, was sentenced to 40.

‘Do you take this woman?’ ‘Roger that’

Normally, we don’t cover much that has to do with love, aside from a series of features covering such a topic. We try to keep that mushy crap underneath, buried way, way down. None Only one of the guys is getting married. We are just too manly for such paltry things.

But wait, what if there was something that made it seem like an action movie? That’s what piqued our attention.

In England, where mostly crazy people live, a couple got married several hundred meters–err, we mean several thousand feet in the air. The bride and groom were each on top of biplanes flying side by side, while another biplane flying just ahead of them had a minister standing on top of it. The witnesses? Um, they were on the ground watching three biplanes fly around in formation.

For kicks, the entrance to the wedding reception wedding reception was a 50-foto high trapeze wire with an open bar at the other end.

Prince Charles: Big fan of How To series

Are you tired of rising gas prices? If you’re already following our tips but still just barely getting by, maybe it’s time to take advice from across the pond. Why not convert your car to run on wine (sort of what we had said)?

Prince Charles converted a car (probably not by himself) to run on biofuel made from excess wine. This makes sense for him, because he has never had to worry about money in his life, and probably has wine left over from all of the parties he and his sons throw.

The only side effect is that the exhaust turns pedestrians’ teeth purple.

They also charge for b’day usage

For the employees of a meat packing plant in England, it is the worst of times, but certainly not the best of times.

A local labor union is saying that Brown Brothers is forcing employees to clock out when they make trips to the bathroom, a practice the union calls “Dickensian.” This is seen as an affront to the common worker, who proudly gets paid for his or her 20 minutes on the can a little after lunch. How else can one catch up on the news?

Perhaps even more Dickensian of Brown Brothers is that it automatically fires anyone who asks for more gruel.

There’s always room for v-i-o-l-e-n-c-e

Girls fighting in kiddie pools full of gelatin is usually a sober, dignified affair, but one sore loser at a Cambridge University contest had to go and spoil the dignity of the occasion by punching out a few spectators. Hey, this is Cambridge jelly wrestling—show some respect! People, take it from a professional who knows how to carry himself with dignity regarding a hallowed event such a Jell-O wrestling, it’s just not worth it to fight over water and colored agar gel.

Now, pudding wrestling, I can understand fists and feet being thrown over a decision in that.

Schadenfreude: International blend

Good morning! And what a morning it is: the dawning of yet another wonderful day!

Just think of the day you have ahead of you: showering, sitting in traffic, going to work, eating a lousy lunch with people you hate, sitting in more traffic, cooking dinner, cleaning the kitchen — all while trying not to beat your children! Goodness, but these are blessed times, aren’t they?

No, they aren’t. When your only relaxation is going to a gym to work out, you really hate the people that make it look so easy. People like, oh, Martha Stewart …

Well, guess who’s persona non gratis in the United Kingdom? Yep, Martha’s life was easy when she was given insider trading tips, but now she’s not allowed to visit investors and business partners in Merry Olde England.

And that, we think, is a good thing.

Mm, Schadenfreude: make it every morning’s shameful joy.

Driiiinks in spaaaaaace

You’ve tried every beer. You are tired of hearing the same old thing from beer merchants trying to sell you something that will taste better and get you more buzzed than ever. You just might be chasing the beer dragon. Fear not, bored boozer! Japan has come up with something that raises the bar several miles up: space beer.

Sapporo Breweries Ltd. has grown barley from grains that were taken into space and is using them for its new experimental beer. This is much like having a conversation with an astronaut’s son, it puts you less than three degrees away from space.

In other hammered happenings, the Anglo-commies have banned booze on London’s subway system, the Tube. Before the ban took effect on Sunday, English people held a system-wide party Saturday night drinking whatever they felt like bringing with them.

This is the latest assault on transportation-related multitasking. A similar ban is already in effect on drinking in car. However, it is still legal to drink while floating around on an umbrella.

First Mexico, now England rattles anti-emo sabre

England is waking up to realize a menace is upon them. “A sinister cult,” as The Daily Mail puts it, obsessed with self-harm and suicide. A threat that America has just about wedgied out of existence and that Mexico put to the lash.

We are speaking, of course, about emos.

Now, this article doesn’t guarantee action, but it is the first step towards British involvement:

  1. Point at someone and say, “Wot is this all about?”
  2. Remind that person that they are British: “Stand up now, Guvnah. You’re British.”
  3. If they are not, in fact, British, condemn them: “Now that’s downright bawmy. Away with you, you little bugger.”
  4. When words fail, fetch a “Constable” or perhaps “engage in some fisticuffs.”

The empire is just about poised to strike back … at sad little teenagers.