For Queen and Country

We assure you that is chocolate, not ... something else.

SeriouslyGuys tries hard to reach all of our reader demographics, so we’ve got a story just for our postmenopausal women readers under 70 years-old with diabetes (our second largest demographic after left-handed Grenada veterans).

Ladies, your nest is empty, your man is hosting playdates in his man cave and you’re living in a fort made of empty QVC boxes. If only there were some way you could get paid to eat Belgian chocolate until your heart quits. If only …

The United Kingdom needs you! The University of East Anglia in Norwich, England, will give you Belgian chocolate for one year. The catch (and there’s always one) is that they will test you five times randomly for increased risk of heart disease.

Sign up soon: they’re only testing 150 women.

Alcoholism–bringing families together and being paid for it

Drinking with your own dad? Awkward. Drinking with someone else's? Not as much.Homer Simpson one gave a toast, claiming “To alcohol–the cause and solution for all of my problems.” Seemingly, the first part of that is normally true, as more often than not, how regularly do you hear of drunk drivers? Is it unusual to see that shirtless dude on COPS holding two or six empty beer bottles while having a dialogue with the local law enforcement? Do you enjoy hitting anything and everything after having a sip of the spirits?

Well guess what, alcohol is now fixing things! Case in point–a London man put out an ad asking for a jovial fellow to be paid to drink with his dad. The recipient of the job (a dream for many, including The Guys) gets paid for their time, plus expenses. Brilliant! The lucky gentleman to acquire the task actually turned out to be two lucky gentlemen … and Mike Hammond, the son in question, couldn’t be happier.

“Dad’s now going to be going down to the pub several times a week–three with his new friends and twice with me. I want to give him some of his old life back.”

Alcohol, fixing a family for every eight that it’s broken.

Lolzerz, I hit a lmpost

These things just jump out at you sometimesTexting has had an incredibly positive effect on society. Rather than have a conversation face to face, or even have to hear the other person’s stupid voice, we can just send a horribly abbreviated message from the office, the car or even the toilet.

However, it seems there might be one single problem for this gift to humanity: we have trouble seeing where we are going. Apparently the problem is so bad that people in the U.K. keep injuring themselves by walking into lampposts and other obstacles on the average sidewalk. One in ten people over there has that problem, so the a charity is testing out padding on lampposts to help cushion the blow.

This blog just thinks most of the injuries are related to their complicated motor vehicle and foot traffic patterns.

Warrior of the Week

It’s not often entire countries get behind a movement enough that one can associate the whole nation with that particular cause. This week, The Guys are proud to announce one country has done such a thing for the good of the War on Animals. That country is: Norway!

One lobby group has come up with a slogan so genius, it could become the war’s rally cry, or simply just make people’s heads explode. Their slogan: “Eat whale and save the planet.”

You read that correctly. A pro-whaling lobby group is trying to convince Norwegian lawmakers that it is better for the environment to eat whale meat, than to sustain cows, chickens and other livestock, with the intent to kill them for their meat. This blog think the argument is retarded, but will fully endorse any chance to wipe out the whale population once and for all! Perhaps the U.S. Navy could lend a hand.

In other European aquatic animal-related news: scientists have found the first-ever six legged octopus. Henry the octopus hexapus is in England. Why not call it a sexapus? Because “Sexapus” is the name of my upcoming debut album.

Tony Blair: Educator of the obese

As if it weren’t hard enough to understand English accents, problems continue with the dialog of 2006’s The Queen. As we reported over a year ago, an airline version of the movie had some excessing bleeping when the word “god” was censored, regardless of the context.

But this time, there was no singing of “Bleep Save the Queen,” instead subtitles to an outdoor screening of the movie in Australia were written by someone who appeared to have the English comprehension of an Asian electronics manual. The drama ended up being more of a comedy after the subtitles stole the show.

“When a character spoke about Mr Blair being ‘educated at Fettes’, it appeared on screen as ‘educated the fattest’. ‘Did you vote?’ flashed up as ‘Dead in a boat?’. The observation that ‘every newspaper proprietor has blood on his hands today’ became ‘every newspaper proprietor has blown in his hands today’.


No word yet on whether the DVD box set will include these two alternate versions SG has discussed. Stay tuned to MasterChugs Theater for updates.

Headline of the Day

There are many ways to die, but normally, one doesn’t think of groundskeeping machinery as a possible source of a dirt nap. Apparently it can come for even Buddhists.

Reverend Seiji Handa, a Buddhist monk from Japan, was in England trimming the grass around his peace pagoda when his tractor got away from him and he slipped under it. Don’t worry, folks, he’ll be reincarnated.

Making funerals fun again

Everyone will someday die, and as long as you stay dead, we are OK with it. However, that doesn’t mean that death isn’t part of life. Because it’s a part of life, it can sometimes get downright strange. Don’t think so?

In England, just as anywhere else in the world, sometimes your loved ones ask to be cremated. One crematorium has thought of solving their heating bill problems with something they do anyway. Still can’t guess it? They are going to heat the building using the heat from the burning bodies. That means the deceased’s final gift to his or her friends and family is the gift of warmth.

Back in the States, death can be fun here, too. In Arlington, Virginia there is a lot of growth going on. It sits right across the Potomac River from Washington. Office and apartment buildings are constantly being built because people want to move to this happening area. However, one apartment building offers a little bit more than any other: the first floor will feature a funeral home. Now, residents can mourn the deaths of their loved ones in a more convenient atmosphere. Because just because their life stops, doesn’t mean yours has to.