Foolish scientists teach orca to speak English

Researchers spend countless hours every year observing animals to try to understand how they communicate. And aside from a few bird owners, no one has bothered trying to teach animals how to talk like us. Until now.

Wikie the orca has learned how to imitate certain sounds, including the word “Hello.” Researchers say they taught the beast how to say a few different words to demonstrate the species’ mimicking abilities. Of course, they forgot that they were teaching English to freaking killer whales. Once they know what we’re saying, there’s no doubt they will use it against us. The only consolation we have is that Wikie lives in an aquarium in France, where her skills won’t be of much use.

The up side is that Wikie was also taught how to mimic fart noises incredibly well.

Take it from Snee: Cleaning out the language gutters 2013

Just like a picture of mouths, these words don't say a damn thing.
Just like a picture of mouths, these words don’t say a damn thing.

According to a count performed by Google and Harvard in 2010, there were 1,022,000 words in the English language with an estimated 8,500 words added each year. The average speaker, however, only knows anywhere from 12,000 to 21,000 words. And though that still seems like a lot, we manage to mangle, twist and abuse certain words until they not only lose their original meaning, but appear to have lost all meaning whatsoever.

If these words were leaves, they would have directly bypassed being dried out and brittle, lying on the ground for any old user to pick up and twirl around. Instead, they were deposited into the gutter and, through overuse, become a moldy, muddy, indecipherable goop that prevents the language from moving forward.

They are the words people resort to when they actually have nothing to say, usually when “you’re having just too much fun” or when it’s time to define insanity for everyone all over again. (This phrase, that “the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results” is both the definition and cause of my own insanity.)

That is why, every couple of years, I contract myself out to the English language, cleaning out this meaningless morass in hopes that those who resort to them will find new words. (Or say nothing at all.) Here’s what I found in the gutters for 2013.  Continue reading Take it from Snee: Cleaning out the language gutters 2013

Flipping the bird

The War on Animals is a truly a world war, as China is quickly finding out.

At a zoo in the country that’s not huge on human or animal rights (we do not support the War on Humans), the animal resistance lives on. A myna bird has been locked away at the Jiufeng Forest Zoo because instead of greeting visitors, as it has been trained to do, it has started shouting expletives at people. Yep, as Chinese families are walking into the zoo for a day full of wonderful memories, one bird has been chirping, “F&$% you!”

More bad news: Apparently birds can speak Chinese, which has to be way harder than English.

Fox News finally has a true online rival

It took nearly 10 years since they exploded on the New York scene, but Al-Qaida has finally gotten their particular brand of propaganda translated into the English language.

The terrorist group–accept no substitutes–launched their English language Web ‘zine, Inspire, on Tuesday. They’ve even taken a note from infidel fashion magazines with their feature article, “How to Make a Bomb in the Kitchen of Your Mom.”

(Unlike Maxim, it’s not a clever title about impregnating MILFs, but literally about making bombs with common kitchen items … though they belong to your mom and you shouldn’t know how to use them if you’re a fundiemoron.)

We’d like to welcome Al-Qaida to the Internet, and wish nothing them nothing but our thoroughly CIA-investigated best!

‘E’ is for enemy

Some people think this blog is alarmist. We get that. Some people think we make things that are really nothing sound like a big deal. So what? There will always be those who refuse to see the world as it is. But this you just can’t ignore.

A dog can f#%$ing read.

Not surprisingly, that dog lives in Florida. We don’t need to tell you that a dog that knows how to read is a HUGE threat to all of humanity. What happens if he teaches the other dogs, and they teach the other animals? Our code has been broken. (OK, well just our English code, but still …)

So, who’s up for a hunting trip in the Everglades?

Savage: Loves America so much that he wants to leave

When it comes to being on the radio, it used to mean you were just ugly. Nowadays, it also helps to be a moron like Michael Savage.

Savage, who is known to rally the simple and easily-led against any further immigration and sealing off the borders, is angry because he’s not allowed to visit England.

Let’s break that down:

1. Savage hates foreigners coming to his country for, in his opinion, ruining the language, refusing to respect our government and breaking the law to enter because they’re not on the official list. (A list that he wants eliminated, by the way.)

2. He wants to enter the United Kingdom, a country whose language some would believe we’ve ruined, whose constitutional monarchy is the butt of our jokes and he’d have to break the law to get in because he’s not on the list. (Actually, he’s on a list: the do-not-allow-into-the-UK list.)

3. Savage hates lawyers for defending illegal immigrants in the United States and believes that their efforts to change immigration law is morally wrong.

4. He’s using British lawyers to get him off the banned list, changing British immigration law.

So, the real message of the Savage Nation would be: “Can I please leave the United States of America? Pleeeeeeeeeeease?

Cows are attention whores

Cows: They’re tasty, they’re full of milk that is part of this complete breakfast, but are they dumb? We tend to think of farm animals as stupid and docile–completely under our control. We forget, of course, the bloody coup that was George Orwell’s Animal Farm.

A recent study in England (not that we can trust the Europeans, either) found that cows may not be so stupid, but rather, the needy, selfish beasts we all fear they could be. Apparently, if you love your cow (in which ever way you choose) and name it, the cow will produce more milk.

Cows need your attention and need to be told they are doing a good job. Why do they need this? Because they understand English!

Take it from Snee: Lightning Round 3 (Hard Thunder)

So we just got through an election and the first half of Thanksgristmas, and that means I had to listen to a lot of stupid. This is the third time we’ve gone through this, so I shouldn’t have to explain it to you.

And if you’re new here, welcome and try not to get your ass in my foot’s way. Continue reading Take it from Snee: Lightning Round 3 (Hard Thunder)

Take it from Snee: Speak English or go home (LPGA edition)!

The LPGA has just passed a rule that will require all lady golfers to pass an oral (heh) English exam next year. Any two-year members who can’t pass the test in 2009 will face an immediate suspension. This new rule will affect a possible 121 foreign golfers on the tour, especially 45 South Koreans with translators.

As an English-writing blogger and avid viewer of the LPGA, I say GOOD. It’s about time!

I mean, sure: I normally watch ladies’ golf like I watch Rachel Ray: on mute with soft lighting and an oven mitt. While I may not hear them speak dirty, indescribable things to me, I need to know that they could if I ever met them in real life. That means speaking English-lusty, filthy English.

And English is what? American. It’s as American as pizza and bratwurst. It’s been spoken by Americans like Arnold Schwarzenegger, Bruce Lee and Jean-Claude Van Damme since they were first born in small Midwestern towns. Go to any library, and you’ll find the great founding works of our country-the Bible, Montesquieu, the ancient Greeks-all written in one language: English, motherf–ker.

And that’s why I say, good for you, LPGA. I’ve been through what you’re going through … Continue reading Take it from Snee: Speak English or go home (LPGA edition)!

Take it from Snee: Speak English or go home!

So, I was at Taco Bell for lunch (because nothing is more American than mystery meat and cheese in a flour tortilla).  I waited patiently in line, using my time productively by deciding how I wanted my tortilla folded, and when it was my turn to order, I stepped up to the register. 

The cashier did not greet me—strike one.

Unphased, I said, “Uh, yes, I would like a number three—soft tacos—with a Pepsi, please.”  (Whenever I order, I always make sure to specify all the choices so the waiter doesn’t have to ask a bunch of questions.  It lets them know that I appreciate blue-collar Americans and shortens the wait time for other diners.)

The cashier punched in my order, still saying nothing—strike two.  Continue reading Take it from Snee: Speak English or go home!