Sound waves could cure your E.D.

For guys, there is little more important than being able to get an erection when you want to. Which is why there are so many different drugs for erectile dysfunction. But guys are so desperate to have their penis work that they are fine with using sound waves.

GainsWave is a procedure where tens of thousands of sound waves go through a penis. Why? Because your junk appreciates a good tune. Also, because it supposedly helps improve blood flow. The developers of the treatment say the sound waves are stimulate the growth of new blood vessels and tissue.

So it’s kind of like talking to a plant.


Go veggie, but keep killing animals

When thinking about dead puppies doesn't work, you might be tempted to try anything -- even going vegetarian -- to get your manhood back.
When thinking about dead puppies doesn’t work, you might be tempted to try anything — even going vegetarian — to get your manhood back.

If you’ve experienced erectile dysfunction lately, then you may be considering going vegetarian. Not because you’re less of a man, so you might as well give up bacon, but because E.D. could indicate the onset of heart disease, and vegetarians are a third less likely to die from it than proud animal devourers.

The Guys aren’t judging you. It’s perfectly natural for men over 40 to lose some of their vigor and to give anything, even steak, to keep their dicks going. Just remember: that doesn’t mean you have to stop killing animals. Who knows? Maybe a few dead ducks will help you get it up.

So, if you’re going vegetarian, please renew your pledge to fight for humanity in the War on Animals. Nobody says you have to eat what you kill. (We’re pretty sure that’s against the Geneva Convention, anyway.)

The McBournie Minute: Take your smutty pills elsewhere, bub!

Rep. Jim Moran, D-Va., is my representative in the House of Representatives of these here United States of America. I’m really not sure if I voted for him, when I was in the voting booth I just voted for women and and guys whose names sounded ethnic-y. But if I did vote for Moran, due to some confusion on my part that he was Hispanic, I am proud I made the informed vote.

The distinguished gentlemen from the Commonwealth of Virginia is taking a stand against one of the most pressing issues our country faces today. You guessed it: erectile dysfunction ads.

Since the late 1990s, these ads have been plaguing America. They were subtle then, because we were all naive–that and Viagra had a corner on the market. But a few years back, Cialis, Levitra (from the Latin root “levitat,” to make rise) and others came on the scene. Suddenly, there was market competition, which meant one thing: scrap the subtleties and innuendos, throw Bob Dole out the window and start beating Americans over the head with what their product will do. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: Take your smutty pills elsewhere, bub!

Be swell, harpoon a whale!

We’ve mentioned the fifth columnists that would betray the War on Animals in this blog before.  However, they have now taken over the media.

Animal Planet will run a new series called Whale Wars, which follows the Sea Shepherd Conservation Society, a group of animal lovers that hinder the Japanese warriors who put whales to good use: powering lamps and curing erectile dysfunction.

We’re shocked at this staunch betrayal by Animal Planet.  In the past, they’ve entertained us by forcing puppies to play in each others’ filth (Puppy Bowl) and with comedies like Animal Police.  The latter shows police catching people who don’t know how to kill their pets and just let them starve.

It’s obvious there is a liberal bias in the media, but we must remain vigilant in the War on Animals.  Those traitors activists will thank us when they can leave Antarctica.