The Niña, the Pinta and the — Santa María, that burns!

It’s been nearly 65 years since Alphonse “Scarface” Capone died in Alcatraz in the middle of a then-historic sentence of 11 years for tax evasion. It was the best authorities could do since they couldn’t convict him of the many murders, racketeering and bootlegging that had been attributed over the years. But, it looks like somebody dished out a little prison justice, sapping Capone’s physical and mental faculties with chronic syphilis. And that someone? Christopher Columbus.

Scientists believe they have found evidence that proves the controversial “discoverer” of the New Wyrlde also brought home a scorching case of the clap, then unknown in the Olde Wyrlde. It spread quickly from sailors in port towns because, well, that’s what they do earl-eye in the mornin’.

So, there you have it. Chris Columbus redeems himself the teensiest-tiniest bit, Al Capone dies embarrassingly of venereal disease and Native Americans get some revenge for those small pox blankets. Happy Friday? Happy Friday.

And you thought the 70s were hairy …

Gym rats: no matter how hard you work out, the world’s most dangerous exercise is long extinct. Having sex with Neanderthals and Denisovans made your ancestors stronger, so long as it didn’t kill them.

More fruit! More fruit!

You know how everyone’s supposed to eat five servings of fruit a day? If you didn’t, that’s OK, because you’re supposed to eat eight servings now.

According to a new study in Europe, people who eat eight servings of fruit a day have a 22 percent lower risk of dying from heart disease than those slackers who only eat three. The study did not state whether they died of pineapple-related injuries instead.

But, seriously, eight servings? At some point, heart disease might be welcome.

Oh, and in other medical news: your cyst might be making your surgeon suicidal. Maybe you should just wear longer sleeves, you selfish jerk.

Sacre flu!

Being the Emperor of France (still?) probably helps.Well, it appears almost all of western Europe is winding down its H1N1 cases. Yep, everyone is on board with not catching swine flu … except France.

France, as contrary as she is diseased, continues to host a rising rate of H1N1 cases. Why? Is it some elaborate artistic statement where people cough on doorknobs, berate the bourgeoisie and smoke Gauloises?

Perhaps it has something to do with their kissing methods. The Guys know all about French kissing from middle school, so we can confidently say that probing molars for croissant crumbs while unsuccessfully picking at a bra clasp is probably not the smartest thing to do in grippe du porcs season.

Listen, France. We know it’s tough to communicate public health when you’re all trapped in invisible boxes and forbidden to talk, but it’s time to get serious. If you die out, then Quebec becomes the French-speaking capital of the world. French Canadians. Not cool.

The family that stays together, takes over the world together

And let’s be honest here: when your family has got roots in Europe, the U.S., Japan, Argentina and, frankly, all over the world, they’re probably on a better route of doing so than us.

Obviously, I’m talking about ants, but I’m specifically referring to Argentine ants. They’re spread all over the world, they refuse to wage war upon each other (which is humongous given that ants can be fairly territorial) and–worst of all–we’re helping them in their quest.

Yes, that’s right: you. By traveling all over the world, becoming jet-setting, high-flying, wheeling and dealing sons of a gun (W000000000!!!!!!!!), we’ve unwittingly mingled colonies with other colonies and created this super-breed.

So, what can we do to stop this? Well, obviously, we could the isolationist approach, but, frankly, I enjoy my foreign food too much to allow this to happen. The other choice?

Simple. The article mentions that ants live everywhere but in Antarctica. Clearly, the cleansing and purifying power of cold will save us. Freeze the ants! FREEZE THEM ALL!

(Courtesy of Groonk)

MMO’s are evil, Parliament wants a big fat red panic button for them

The European Parliament, in a quite stunning display of illogical useless grandiose thinking, has decided that what parents need to protect their children from MMO’s is a “red button” to shut games down in the event of a crisis.

This is highly important thinking because it seems that:

  1. European computers don’t have off switches and are shaped like Doctor Octopus, thus keeping children trapped in front of the screen.
  2. European parents are powerless before their children in regards to disciplining them.

“‘Parents should have a “red button” to disable a game they feel is inappropriate for their child,’ says the EP Internal Market Committee. ‘Until PEGI online is up and running, the report proposes fitting consoles, computers or other game devices with a “red button” to give parents the chance to disable a game or control access at certain times.'”

To be fair, the European Parliament is not being “anti-game”; it’s just being stupid. It recognizes that games can provide a whole host of benefits, just not to parents. Parliament wants to add something to make parents feel better, and this might be the best placebo they could come up with.

Surprisingly enough, Britain’s government has never heard of Staples or the Easy Button. Now there’s a placebo that gets me through my days at work.

Pip-pip, cheeri-oh CRAP!

Me: So, it seems that Britain could have been an Iceland before Iceland.

Everyone reading at home: WHUH?

Yeah, so, yesterday, Iceland’s government kind of went kaputski due to major economic issues. Posers. It now seems that the entire United Kingdom’s banking system was simply 180 minutes away from imploding. As in, three quarters of a football game.

Real football, everyone else of the world. None of that soccer nonsense.

Anyways, it would seems that people dropping tons of money into the banks earlier were also attempting to pull that money out, come hell or high water. Since this nearly collapsed the British banking system, think of this in large, massive scale amounts of money being taken away all at once.

So, what could this have meant for the rest of the world?

In three hours, we almost saw Atonement turned into Oliver Twist.

Won’t someone think of the comatose?

In case you hadn’t figured out that a naked calendar isn’t the panacea for all funding woes (especially in the case of Spanish moms), here’s a story that should wreck every single one of your “Calendar Girls” dreams: A naked charity calendar intended to raise cash for the North West Air Ambulance of Wigan, England has been banned from ambulance stations (link may not be safe for work) across the region. Apparently some people think that ambulance workers posing nude comprises their integrity and dignity. Now how are they going to revive the people that fall into a diabetic shock?

Once again, thanks a lot Helen Mirren, you big Oscar winning jerk.