Tag: Europe

You Missed It: Hit and run edition

What can I say? It’s Friday in late July and everyone seems to be going on vacation. In fact, I will be on vacation next week, so yes, I will miss it. However, if you were too busy being courted by the Minnesota Vikings, then odds are you missed it.

Novak no-stop
Spy-outer and  Politico pundit Robert Novak made headlines this week for something, but this time it wasn’t something he wrote. While driving in Washington, D.C., Novak hit an 86-year old homeless man and his car did not stop until a block or two later, when a witness on a bicycle flagged him down. The witness said the man rolled across Novak’s hood. Novak told reporters he did not see the homeless man, mostly because he was lost daydreaming about the redecorating efforts of cavernous lair.

Named storm comes to shore
Hurricane Dolly became the first named storm of the 2008 season to hit the U.S. when it made landfall near Brownsville, Texas. Surprisingly enough, the media seemed to miss the obvious “Hello, Dolly” puns waiting to be made. This blog would never stoop to such a level–wait, we just did.

Obama campaigns abroad
In an obvious effort to combat an image of inexperience in foreign policy, Sen. Barack Obama went on a tour this week of the Middle East and Europe. Stops included Israel, Germany and France. Obama has reported ended each speech with, “I want to improve U.S. relations with foreign countries, and that’s why I want all of you to vote for me!”

Look at the pretty colors
NASA announced this week that its THEMIS (Time History of Events and Macroscale Interactions during Substorms) mission has discovered that the Northern Lights are caused by the stressed magentosphere snapping into a new shape. The space agency said it picked the mission because everyone there had been taught in middle school what caused the lights, but could not quite remember what it was.

This little piggy got popped

While animal agents may have infiltrated the European legislative and judicial systems, here at home, we still know what side we are on in the War on Animals, and that goes double for the U.S. Army.

In a medical training exercise (also to send a message) to be held in Hawaii, the army is planning to shoot a bunch of pigs, despite protests from the al Qaeda-backed People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals. That’s right, for the first time in far too long, the army is going to shoot animals with its M16 rifles and M4 carbines. SWEET.

And since it is being held in Hawaii, a huge pig roast will be held afterward.

Next they’ll learn to juggle

The War on Animals does not give us the advantage of numbers, however, it does give us the advantage of smarts. It is important that we keep that advantage, lest we concede the high ground (but not the moral high ground) to the enemy.

That’s why we need to burn down European sea research “centres.” They are giving Rubik’s cubes to octopi allegedly to see if they have a preferred arm, you know, right, right right, right right right, right right right right, left, left left, left left left or left left left left. If these things start figuring out Rubik’s cubes, that makes them smarter than most people, which is a hazard we cannot afford.

Mayor of the Dead

Citizen, you should be proud that you’re (probably) a member of the United States of America. We’re a strong country. We have values that we’ll gladly impose upon you. We know what we want and we take it! But most important of all, we’re zombie-free. Unlike Europe, which seems to be riddled with the brain-munchers, our country knows the value in putting the dead back into their graves.

Another plus for our country and not Europe? We don’t have zombies elected as political officials. While this was obviously most evident during the 2004 election, stronger evidence of this can be seen as closely as Bucharest, where recently, a dead mayor was reelected by his Romanian village. Their reason? “We’re afraid of change.” Major weaksauce, Romania. Smartly, election authorities awarded the title of mayor to his candidate before a dark ritual or Solarium could be used to expedite the corpse’s stroll back to office.

People, that’s not a bipartisan system-it’s a brain partaking system. It’s smart not to let a zombie in office. All we would have is tons and tons of legislature stating, “Send more paramedics.”

WHAT DO WE WANT?

OUR OWN NAME!

WHEN DO WE WANT IT?

RIGHT AFTER LILITH FAIR!

“Campaigners on the Greek island of Lesbos are to go to court in an attempt to stop a gay rights organisation from using the term “lesbian” … publisher Dimitris Lambrou says it causes daily problems to the social life of Lesbos’s inhabitants.”

I can sort of see that being a problem. I mean, if I went to some fabled island in a drunken haze, only to have all of my hopes and dreams come crashing down, I might cause some daily problems to the social life of the island’s inhabitants too.

What do you call a Polish zombie?

Poland, better known as Europe’s playground, is probably second most common butt of jokes in Europe (second only to France) but that doesn’t mean the zombies don’t take it seriously.

A man in Poland drowned in August, according to the Polish government. But now he is struggling to get the Polish government to recognize he is back from the dead. Thanks to red tape, the man cannot be a zombie until he has the government’s approval. At least their government is doing something about the threat of the undead.