Tagged: european union

| Filed under You Missed It

You Missed It: End of 2016 edition

My drink order has arrived just in time. Get your own.

Well look who finally got on the “this year sucked” train. I’ve been doing this for years, everyone just finally caught up. I have a theory that 2016 was the Rapture. Everyone you love who was good is gone. Now we’re just in a hollow wasteland, and there’s the devil about. Either that, or we’re old enough that famous people we’ve heard of are starting to die off. This year was a lot like 1941 — we all knew there was conflict, and the headlines were really interesting, then an awful day toward the end of year made nothing feel the same again. This was indeed the worst year yet. Kim Kardashian had something bad happen to her for once. We cheered for sad sack teams. The Supreme Court became an octet. We held a months-long funeral for a gorilla we’d never heard of. We bought some Cuban cigars. We stood really still in videos. Let’s do to 2016 what it did to a lot of famous people, shall we?

January

Let freedom wear a c@#k ring
The armed hicks occupying a tiny federal office building at a remote Oregon wildlife sanctuary complained in a video that people keep sending them sex toys, including a whole bunch of dildos. The group made an appeal to “real patriots” to send them supplies, as they were so busy packing their guns they forgot to bring food and water for their camping trip. America responded by sending them plastic penises, which is a phrase I’ve waited to write my whole life. Upon hearing the news, Cards Against Humanity co-founder Max Temkin, really, sent the occupiers a 55-gallon barrel of lube.

Blowing up the airwaves
North Korea said it successfully tested a hydrogen bomb, but experts weren’t so sure it worked. In any case, the test marked another act of defiance of international sanctions. In response, South Korea set up loudspeakers along the border and began blasting K-pop. These two countries are like feuding neighbors in an apartment building. One keeps making the floor shake with loud thumps, so the other cranks their music, in this case, Psy.

From Mexico with love
After capturing escaped drug lord El Chapo, Mexican authorities published his text messages on his phone. Many were shocked not only to see that he was in contact with Mexican actress Kate del Castillo, but that his texts were quite romantic. He told her, “I’ll care for you more than my own eyes,” and even suggested having her meet his mother. Maybe we’ve got these guys all wrong. We just need to help these drug cartels find love and they’ll stop massacring entire towns. Continue reading

| Filed under Take it from Snee

Take it from Snee: An executioner’s Christmas wishlist

One of the perks to the holiday season is spending time with your family watching 24 hours of A Christmas Story, with an occasional switch-over to It’s a Wonderful Life. This is a time-honored tradition that predates even television, going back all the way back to public executions. But, even that may not last much longer: the European Union has tightened restrictions on selling lethal injection drugs to nations that still perform capital punishment (leading to an obvious question: what does a nation that doesn’t execute prisoners use lethal injection juices for?)

I could spend time answering that parenthetical, but who cares what a bunch of Europeans do with sodium thiopental or pentobarbital? The United States is in a real pickle here. If we don’t figure out a way to humanely execute our citizens, then we might have to actually consider the ramifications of a government that kills its citizens.

Fortunately, I’ve done some research and believe I may have found some alternatives so that we can get back to killing people without hangings or beheadings. Continue reading

| Filed under Regular Post

Dutch Government: ‘Get your tobacco out of our weed!’

Slowly but surely in the Netherlands, smoking of tobacco in public has been made illegal. And not just public public, but the inside kind of public too. So, faithful Dutch reader of our site, what does this mean for you? It means that the next time you get coffee and a crumpet at one of your more infamous coffee shops, your late morning joint will need to be tobacco-less. BUG-WAH?!!?

The Dutch Government hasn’t exactly been known for well thought out plans, it would seem. Could this spell the end of the “cafes”? Well, not totally, but it’s not going to be anything but bad for business, that’s for sure. Sounds like the government is like a restaurant in my town (Famous Anthony’s in Southwest Plaza, Roanoke, VA) that refuses to install a credit card machine for payment purposes-are you just diametrically opposed to making money?

Ladies and gentlemen, we present to you the new, more sensitive, more politically correct “WORLD”.