The snakes seem to have won this time

It’s all over, folks. After a month of sloshing around and hacking at random branches, Florida’s 2013 Python Hunt has come to a close. You remember, the big event where just about anyone could go into the Everglades and kill as many Burmese pythons as they want?

According to the Florida Fish & Wildlife Conservation Commission, in all, only about 50 of the beasts were taken, even though there are thousands of them estimated to be slithering around and eating anything they can. It will provide a lot of data for scientists, but it sure seems like a disappointment.

The problem is that the program is flawed. Why limit it to just one month, especially during the time of year when it’s coldest and reptiles are typically less active? We need to make this a year-long event. Whoever turns in the most pythons by year’s end wins!

Rooting out snake suicide bombers

We’ve been fighting this War on Animals for so long that we can’t even remember if we’ve warned you about snake suicide bombers. We’ll err on the side of caution and say we told you so, anyway.

The Florida Everglades are so overgrown that pythons have turned it into their own veritable pit. Partly because of irresponsible species traitors who drop them off shortly after bringing them to the U.S. — and partly due to an exotic snake warehouse destroyed by Hurricane Andrew in 1992 — the enemy has dug into the wild, untamed region where even our armed forces can barely reach them.

And now, they’re planning to bomb us. Otherwise, why would officials fighting the good fight enlist bomb-sniffing dogs to find them?

Where the #### do we sign up?

Florida: you’re a weird state; but, out of weirdness comes awesome ideas. The Guys are ready to join your Python Patrol.

The Python Patrol has nothing to do with ex-living wrestler Jake the Snake Roberts (unless someone released his snake in Florida) and everything to do with hunting down and capturing large, dangerous fugitive snakes before they reach the Florida Keys.

Sign us the #### up. Seriously. We will put any children into boarding (since your state has some problems with keeping them unmurdered) and move right the #### down there. We don’t even need uniforms; just give us some really cool ball caps or badges or Jeff Corwin sticks.

It should be noted that the group does this to save Florida’s native endangered species from being devoured whole by pythons (which they do by unhinging their jaws! Awesome!), so we would technically be saving animals, which violates our pro-War on Animals stance …

You know what? Say what you will; once the pythons are gone, the manatees will start gaining numbers and destroying property, maybe even beating up bottlenose dolphins. And once we get rid of those ugly beasties, well, dolphins can be dicks. Point is, we’re ready to help you “control” your animals, Florida, one species at a time.