Suddenly every blues song ever written seems justified.
According to researchers at the University of Texas, women are genetically programmed to cheat. Women, especially childless women, are predisposed to cheat on their mate as a means of a backup plan. They argue that way back when, it wasn’t too common for people to live past 30, so having a side piece in case your mate died made sense, and it got bred into us.
Better go home and read all the texts on her phone.
Science is about asking questions. Unfortunately, many of them will not likely be answered definitively in our lifetimes. So, while some researchers might wonder what gravity actually is or if its possible to work around the speed of light, the big questions will likely remain a mystery, like why men have nipples or women insist on having orgasms.
But, maybe not! When confronted with the mystery of how and why women have orgasms, two scientists think it might be because they’re not really meant to. Not anymore, anyway.
However, once humans evolved to a monthly ovulation cycle, the female orgasm and resulting hormones became no longer essential to conception. And we’re guessing that years of lackluster sex led to selective breeding that placed the clitoris in easier to reach spots for DIY.
So, there you go. Just like with men, the female orgasm might be an afterthought of evolution.
Every century, fewer and fewer humans commit violence. That we are less violent than ever seems contrary to news reports, but that’s only because the media got to be more selective over which murders made press than now. Now, nearly any murder or assault is ink-worthy … unless it happens in one of those neighborhoods, of course. (You know which ones. The ones your favorite sports teams moved out of while keeping the city in their name.)
Overall, that’s a good thing, unless you’re one of millions of disappointed ancestors who broke a lot of fingers evolving the perfect fist for you not to use, you ingrates.
So, what/who have you punched lately? Don’t make your great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great grandfather Ug skip inventing the wheel and fire to build a time machine and slap you upside the head.
Just when you thought the Scottish couldn’t get any smugger (yet manage to stay British), get ready for the mother of all come-ons: the Scots invented sex.
Scientists discovered the oldest species to fertilize each other internally: a species of ancient Scottish lake fish. About 385 million years ago, Microbrachius dicki (yes, dicki) got tired of the old you-lay-’em-and-I’ll-spray-’em spawning technique in favor of a bit of the old in-out, in-out copulation.
Rather than do it people- or drunk people-style — you may call it “doggie” — the male and female fish swam up to each other side by side. And that’s where the magic happened, sidehatch-style: Continue reading It’s official: sex isn’t crap
About a month ago, I explored the outrageous idea of maybe not getting so outraged in 2014. I don’t know about the rest of you, but I don’t think I could handle another 2013. My blood pressure was so high that I was sporting a non-pleated permarection. All year.
And, for the most part, we were doing OK. But this week … oh lord, this week.
But when I took a closer look at this week’s key dividing moments online, I realized something: nobody’s actually arguing with anybody.
Gun enthusiasts like to pretend they’re the only ones on the front lines of the War on Animals, but let’s not short change the over 200 million motorized warriors who run over an estimated 80 million birds a year.
Do you have any idea how difficult it is to kill a flying animal with a grounded vehicle? Based on those previously stated numbers, let’s just say that a bird in the fender is worth at least 10 in the bush.
But it’s about to get even harder, warriors. The birds are learning and roadside units have evolved shorter wings for quicker vertical takeoffs and improved maneuverability. It’s time to write your congressperson today and ask for — nay, demand — the legalization of DWSS, or driving while skeet shooting.
According to research from UCLA’s Center for Behavior, Evolution and Culture, people shown pictures of hands holding guns are more likely to overestimate the height and muscularity of the man holding it by an entire two inches. Meanwhile, hands holding caulk guns and power drills were seen as merely compensatory (hand tools being the Ferraris of the man accoutrement world) and subtracted inches.
So, pull your piece in public. And, thanks to more states allowing guns in bars, you can show off your juggling skills with your gun, beer and trivia buzzer. (They laughed at you for going to Clown College, but who’s laughing now?Nobody, you big man, you.)
So, I was at the gym–minding my own business, trying to make women in spandex return my eye contact–when one of my friends mentioned a post I wrote about primatologists experimenting with advertisements for monkeys. (WARNING: Bringing up my writing at the gym is dangerous because my resulting pride boner can get caught in weighted moving parts.)
He asked me what was the point of the research, and I said something along the lines that primatologists study behavior and other aspects in apes and monkeys to learn more about our common ancestors and what these mean about humans. Also, to sell these tiny jackets.
I say “along those lines” because I actually kind of fumbled around and mentioned “evolution.” As stated previously, I was caught unaware mid-workout, and all the blood had rushed to my … muscles.
His response? “Oh, I don’t really buy into evolution,” and then laid out evidence of a perfectly-ordered universe that only the Heavily-disputed Champion of Everything could have created.
In an uncertain world, we rely on the few certain things in our lives or–more importantly–the lives of others to make everything make sense. It’s what wakes us up in the morning, ready to face whatever uncertainties the world will throw at us.