Study suggests we’re evolving to hate booze

Science is here again to tell us about the awful future. Hold on for this one, because it’s about a world without booze.

According to a recent study, humans may be evolving to have an aversion to alcohol. Researchers analyzed the genomes of 2,500 people from four different continents, and what they found will have you reaching for a bottle: a significant amount of people have gene variants that basically give them really bad hangovers. This condition is so bad that those who have these gene variants likely don’t drink much, if at all. If this gene variant spreads widely enough across the human population, we could one day turn into a race of teetotalers.

Wasn’t the next stage in human evolution supposed to give us laser eyes and telepathy?

Shorter wings, harder targets

Thanks to selective breeding, longer winged swallows have also evolved wingspan envy.
Thanks to selective breeding, longer winged swallows have also evolved wingspan envy.

Gun enthusiasts like to pretend they’re the only ones on the front lines of the War on Animals, but let’s not short change the over 200 million motorized warriors who run over an estimated 80 million birds a year.

Do you have any idea how difficult it is to kill a flying animal with a grounded vehicle? Based on those previously stated numbers, let’s just say that a bird in the fender is worth at least 10 in the bush.

But it’s about to get even harder, warriors. The birds are learning and roadside units have evolved shorter wings for quicker vertical takeoffs and improved maneuverability. It’s time to write your congressperson today and ask for — nay, demand — the legalization of DWSS, or driving while skeet shooting.

Guns don’t just make your penis look larger

As we’ve already learned today, beer makes you smarter. But, you know what will make you look taller and more muscular, too? Holding a gun.

According to research from UCLA’s Center for Behavior, Evolution and Culture, people shown pictures of hands holding guns are more likely to overestimate the height and muscularity of the man holding it by an entire two inches. Meanwhile, hands holding caulk guns and power drills were seen as merely compensatory (hand tools being the Ferraris of the man accoutrement world)  and subtracted inches.

So, pull your piece in public. And, thanks to more states allowing guns in bars, you can show off your juggling skills with your gun, beer and trivia buzzer. (They laughed at you for going to Clown College, but who’s laughing now? Nobody, you big man, you.)

Take it from Snee: A Briefer, Intelligenter History of Time, Part One

So, I was at the gym–minding my own business, trying to make women in spandex return my eye contact–when one of my friends mentioned a post I wrote about primatologists experimenting with advertisements for monkeys. (WARNING: Bringing up my writing at the gym is dangerous because my resulting pride boner can get caught in weighted moving parts.)

He asked me what was the point of the research, and I said something along the lines that primatologists study behavior and other aspects in apes and monkeys to learn more about our common ancestors and what these mean about humans. Also, to sell these tiny jackets.

I say “along those lines” because I actually kind of fumbled around and mentioned “evolution.” As stated previously, I was caught unaware mid-workout, and all the blood had rushed to my … muscles.

His response? “Oh, I don’t really buy into evolution,” and then laid out evidence of a perfectly-ordered universe that only the Heavily-disputed Champion of Everything could have created.

I’ll be honest. After he laid it all out for me, I kind of want to believe in the god that did “Intelligent Design.” I can only imagine the process that created universal perfection as we know it. For the purposes of Creative Science, please imagine the following events unfolding over 4,000 years. Continue reading Take it from Snee: A Briefer, Intelligenter History of Time, Part One

Schadenfreude: The taste you know

In an uncertain world, we rely on the few certain things in our lives or–more importantly–the lives of others to make everything make sense. It’s what wakes us up in the morning, ready to face whatever uncertainties the world will throw at us.

There, that should be enough Schadenfreude to get you to five o’clock. It’s the taste you know you love, especially after pouring it in Jesse James’ rehabed lap.

Mm, Schadenfreude: make it every morning’s shameful joy.

Better dosed than dead

You may remember us telling you something about how alcohol is in fact really, really good for you, so much so that it seems to be common knowledge in the scientific community. We finally won the war on sobriety. Medicinal boozing became the norm.

But then, something changed.

According to the New York Times there is a rebellion amongst the teetotaler doctors of the world. They claim that the studies we all know do not show that alcohol is good for you, they just show that healthy people drink, along with other activities.

You hear that? Some sober killjoys are trying to tell you that drinking isn’t actually good for you, which we all know it is. These are probably the same people who don’t believe in evolution. But the best part is this: don’t worry, if you’re drinking that means you’re a healthy person all around. That’s more than can be said about those sober mongers.

Take it from Snee: Wake me up for the real missing link

Just when evolution is about to become an endangered species in public schools, the anti-religious forces manage to dig up a “missing link.” Again.

I’d get excited and use Paul’s Letter to the Ephesians to clean up afterwards, but — no matter how many humans with sloping foreheads or strange teeth or webbed feet they show me — none of these finds have the basic characteristics of a true missing link.

(Of course, when referring to the “missing link” and “evolution” in this article, I’m doing so with my tongue where God created it: firmly planted in my cheek.)

So, until any of the following are found, I’ll just go back to eating Jesus dipped in Welch’s Jesus Lite. (He may be risen, but He needs some flavor.) Continue reading Take it from Snee: Wake me up for the real missing link

Take it from Snee: Lightning Round 3 (Hard Thunder)

So we just got through an election and the first half of Thanksgristmas, and that means I had to listen to a lot of stupid. This is the third time we’ve gone through this, so I shouldn’t have to explain it to you.

And if you’re new here, welcome and try not to get your ass in my foot’s way. Continue reading Take it from Snee: Lightning Round 3 (Hard Thunder)

How To: Care less

No matter where you go for meaningful conversation, you will always encounter some nihilist who “could care less.” But what do they mean by that? Could they care less about the topic? Could they care less about you? More importantly, why could they care less and why don’t they?

Our guess is that they want to care less, but don’t know how to politely do so. It’s a common problem in our society where people prefer email to phone calls, home school to evolution and porn to wife-swapping.

But it doesn’t have to be! With this guide, we will dispense with the “couldas” and teach you how to care less. Continue reading How To: Care less

Update: Florida approves ‘evolved’ science curriculum

We’ve followed this story from one article to the next, each with its own set of flame wars between smug atheists, smug fundamentalists and the occassional scientific wet blanket.

In one heck of an upset, the state school board voted 4-3 in favor of basing all biology classes on “the scientific theory of evolution.” “The scientific theory of” was added at the urging of concerned fundies to make sure their children understand that “evolution is not a fact.”

Instead, children will learn the process behind a scientific theory, as opposed to the throw-your-hands-up and make-a-wild-guess process behind everyday theories. This should go over well.