Science: Your lady will cheat on you because genes

Suddenly every blues song ever written seems justified.

According to researchers at the University of Texas, women are genetically programmed to cheat. Women, especially childless women, are predisposed to cheat on their mate as a means of a backup plan. They argue that way back when, it wasn’t too common for people to live past 30, so having a side piece in case your mate died made sense, and it got bred into us.

Better go home and read all the texts on her phone.

Female orgasm afterthought to scientists

To keep this SFW, we found this image by searching for "ecstatic women." We also expect not to find any after posting this.
To keep this SFW, we found this image by searching for “ecstatic women.” We also expect not to find any after posting this.

Science is about asking questions. Unfortunately, many of them will not likely be answered definitively in our lifetimes. So, while some researchers might wonder what gravity actually is or if its possible to work around the speed of light, the big questions will likely remain a mystery, like why men have nipples or women insist on having orgasms.

But, maybe not! When confronted with the mystery of how and why women have orgasms, two scientists think it might be because they’re not really meant to. Not anymore, anyway.

Based on comparative structures and functions in fellow mammals, they believe that the female orgasm might have once triggered the release of an egg for fertilization like in cats and rats. In those animals, the clitoris is located much more closely to the point of copulation.

However, once humans evolved to a monthly ovulation cycle, the female orgasm and resulting hormones became no longer essential to conception. And we’re guessing that years of lackluster sex led to selective breeding that placed the clitoris in easier to reach spots for DIY.

So, there you go. Just like with men, the female orgasm might be an afterthought of evolution.

Your great-great-great-great-great-great-great grandfather didn’t evolve for you *not* to punch something

... and you'll never stop punching things.
… and you’ll never stop punching things.

Every century, fewer and fewer humans commit violence. That we are less violent than ever seems contrary to news reports, but that’s only because the media got to be more selective over which murders made press than now. Now, nearly any murder or assault is ink-worthy … unless it happens in one of those neighborhoods, of course. (You know which ones. The ones your favorite sports teams moved out of while keeping the city in their name.)

Overall, that’s a good thing, unless you’re one of millions of disappointed ancestors who broke a lot of fingers evolving the perfect fist for you not to use, you ingrates.

Researchers literally armed with the arms of corpses tested out various had positions for striking things and learned that we specifically evolved to safely inflict the most harm on each other (and fix old televisions) with a closed fist. The bones and muscles necessary to make this shape as well as be dexterous enough to gather roots and brush our teeth became a consciously desirable trait for generations of breeding, all of which led to you.

See? Boxers are too evolved!
See? Boxers are too evolved!

So, what/who have you punched lately? Don’t make your great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great grandfather Ug skip inventing the wheel and fire to build a time machine and slap you upside the head.

It’s official: sex isn’t crap

It's also the Scots' fault when you have to hold hands and "make love for once."
It’s also the Scots’ fault when you have to hold hands and “make love for once.”

Just when you thought the Scottish couldn’t get any smugger (yet manage to stay British), get ready for the mother of all come-ons: the Scots invented sex.

Scientists discovered the oldest species to fertilize each other internally: a species of ancient Scottish lake fish. About 385 million years ago, Microbrachius dicki (yes, dicki) got tired of the old you-lay-’em-and-I’ll-spray-’em spawning technique in favor of a bit of the old in-out, in-out copulation.

Rather than do it people- or drunk people-style — you may call it “doggie” — the male and female fish swam up to each other side by side. And that’s where the magic happened, sidehatch-style:  Continue reading It’s official: sex isn’t crap

Take it from Snee: The need to say … something

"A woman somewhere lost weight!? Stop fat-shaming me!"
“A woman somewhere lost weight!? Stop fat-shaming me!”

About a month ago, I explored the outrageous idea of maybe not getting so outraged in 2014. I don’t know about the rest of you, but I don’t think I could handle another 2013. My blood pressure was so high that I was sporting a non-pleated permarection. All year.

And, for the most part, we were doing OK. But this week … oh lord, this week.

But when I took a closer look at this week’s key dividing moments online, I realized something: nobody’s actually arguing with anybody.

Let’s take a closer look at what made us post in a huff this week …  Continue reading Take it from Snee: The need to say … something

The better to steal your air with, my dear

"My nose reaches all the way over there. I breathe your air. I BREATHE IT UP!"
“My nose reaches all the way over there. I breathe your air. I BREATHE IT UP!”

No, you’re not crazy. Men really do have proportionally larger noses than women. Don’t you feel better for probably never noticing that?

But, now that you can’t un-see this difference, you’re probably wondering why.

It’s all so that we can steal all the air for our bigger muscles. Research suggests that larger noses help men collect the larger amount of oxygen we need to fuel our lean muscle contractions.

So, yes, that does make women the economy-sized model for being more fuel efficient, yet able to do just about anything the modern gamer male can physically.

Shorter wings, harder targets

Thanks to selective breeding, longer winged swallows have also evolved wingspan envy.
Thanks to selective breeding, longer winged swallows have also evolved wingspan envy.

Gun enthusiasts like to pretend they’re the only ones on the front lines of the War on Animals, but let’s not short change the over 200 million motorized warriors who run over an estimated 80 million birds a year.

Do you have any idea how difficult it is to kill a flying animal with a grounded vehicle? Based on those previously stated numbers, let’s just say that a bird in the fender is worth at least 10 in the bush.

But it’s about to get even harder, warriors. The birds are learning and roadside units have evolved shorter wings for quicker vertical takeoffs and improved maneuverability. It’s time to write your congressperson today and ask for — nay, demand — the legalization of DWSS, or driving while skeet shooting.

Guns don’t just make your penis look larger

As we’ve already learned today, beer makes you smarter. But, you know what will make you look taller and more muscular, too? Holding a gun.

According to research from UCLA’s Center for Behavior, Evolution and Culture, people shown pictures of hands holding guns are more likely to overestimate the height and muscularity of the man holding it by an entire two inches. Meanwhile, hands holding caulk guns and power drills were seen as merely compensatory (hand tools being the Ferraris of the man accoutrement world)  and subtracted inches.

So, pull your piece in public. And, thanks to more states allowing guns in bars, you can show off your juggling skills with your gun, beer and trivia buzzer. (They laughed at you for going to Clown College, but who’s laughing now? Nobody, you big man, you.)

Take it from Snee: A Briefer, Intelligenter History of Time, Part One

So, I was at the gym–minding my own business, trying to make women in spandex return my eye contact–when one of my friends mentioned a post I wrote about primatologists experimenting with advertisements for monkeys. (WARNING: Bringing up my writing at the gym is dangerous because my resulting pride boner can get caught in weighted moving parts.)

He asked me what was the point of the research, and I said something along the lines that primatologists study behavior and other aspects in apes and monkeys to learn more about our common ancestors and what these mean about humans. Also, to sell these tiny jackets.

I say “along those lines” because I actually kind of fumbled around and mentioned “evolution.” As stated previously, I was caught unaware mid-workout, and all the blood had rushed to my … muscles.

His response? “Oh, I don’t really buy into evolution,” and then laid out evidence of a perfectly-ordered universe that only the Heavily-disputed Champion of Everything could have created.

I’ll be honest. After he laid it all out for me, I kind of want to believe in the god that did “Intelligent Design.” I can only imagine the process that created universal perfection as we know it. For the purposes of Creative Science, please imagine the following events unfolding over 4,000 years. Continue reading Take it from Snee: A Briefer, Intelligenter History of Time, Part One

Schadenfreude: The taste you know

In an uncertain world, we rely on the few certain things in our lives or–more importantly–the lives of others to make everything make sense. It’s what wakes us up in the morning, ready to face whatever uncertainties the world will throw at us.

There, that should be enough Schadenfreude to get you to five o’clock. It’s the taste you know you love, especially after pouring it in Jesse James’ rehabed lap.

Mm, Schadenfreude: make it every morning’s shameful joy.