Tag: execution

College graduates, apply today!

Do you hate your job because of your coworkers? Then why not apply for a new job, a better job with lots of outdoor hours and where you can kill the people you work with?

Sri Lanka is looking for a well hung man new hangman after allowing one to retire — presumably to spend more time hanging out with his family — and promoting another one up to … firing squad captain? (Male applicants only, please. “Hangperson” just sounds stupid.)

And the best part? The country hasn’t executed a convict since 1976. But, don’t fire up that game of Minesweeper just yet: they’re looking to change that, with 480 potential clients already lined up. So, that’s good noose if you’ve been recently laid off.

Take it from Snee: An executioner’s Christmas wishlist

One of the perks to the holiday season is spending time with your family watching 24 hours of A Christmas Story, with an occasional switch-over to It’s a Wonderful Life. This is a time-honored tradition that predates even television, going back all the way back to public executions. But, even that may not last much longer: the European Union has tightened restrictions on selling lethal injection drugs to nations that still perform capital punishment (leading to an obvious question: what does a nation that doesn’t execute prisoners use lethal injection juices for?)

I could spend time answering that parenthetical, but who cares what a bunch of Europeans do with sodium thiopental or pentobarbital? The United States is in a real pickle here. If we don’t figure out a way to humanely execute our citizens, then we might have to actually consider the ramifications of a government that kills its citizens.

Fortunately, I’ve done some research and believe I may have found some alternatives so that we can get back to killing people without hangings or beheadings. Continue reading Take it from Snee: An executioner’s Christmas wishlist

Texas mulls cost of feeding murderers to lions

Texas, the executioniest of all the states, kills so many inmates a year that it had to streamline the process a bit. From here on out, condemned inmates will no longer receive a special last meal.

Instead, they will receive standard prison food because, as Texas state Senator John Whitmire put it, “It’s a privilege which the perpetrator did not provide to their victim[, except for that one guy in Se7en who was fed spaghetti until he died. Have we considered doing that, like for some food-based crime like poisoning?]”

Anti-death penalty activists are kind of OK with this decision, saying that the tradition was a pointless exercise in false mercy, and also because of the number of inmates requesting asparagus just so the room will smell for hours afterwards.

The new policy is expected to save money on often uneaten meals, but should it still slow down the execution process, Texas prison officials may consider switching up to Taco Bell and Easy-Mac.

The War on Journalism

The occupation of journalist is one of the most hated in the country, it’s right up there with lawyers, doctors and Paul Walker. But in times of tragedy, we as Americans always find a way to come together and make it through. This blog has some sad news of which to inform you: a reporter was viciously attacked by one of President Bush’s ruthless dogs.

We have always said that pets are OK to keep, as long as they know their place and you have the proper means to humiliate your pet. Clearly, the Bush administration has been lacking with its pets, the Unholy Trio better known as Barney, Miss Beazley and Willie.

Barney, a Scottish terrier, bit an MSNBC reporter on the White House grounds this week, a clear example of abuse of power. The Bush family has put its pets up on a pedistal, even giving them their own random and creepy holiday short films every year. Little did we know the mongrels were enjoying living so luxuriously while waiting to lash out at whomever they wanted to.

In accordance with his stance on crime, Bush has said Barney will be put down via bullet on live television as an example to all other pets out there. We say to the Obamas: please, please don’t get your daughters that dog you promised.

UPDATE: Video footage of the brutal attack can be found here.