You know, we keep hearing about all these great things science was supposed to do for us, but it sure seems like it’s fallen short in recent years. Personal jetpacks, flying cars and exterminating everyone over 30 are all now 13 years overdue. Basically, thanks for the microwave ovens, scientists, but what have you done for us lately?
Well, science delivered, and it delivered big. Get ready for slimmer, sexier mice, because doctors at Louisiana State University have found the secret to exercise- and diet-free weight loss.
LSU researchers injected mice that they had fattened up with amlexanox, a drug normally used to treat canker sores in humans. The mice lost the weight through increased metabolism, not by moving around more or eating less. Once off the drug, the mice gained the weight back, but it was too late for their young, sexy new spouses to dump them.
The next step is to test this treatment on obese humans, who look forward to getting that wheel out of their living rooms.
Hello there, and welcome to another round of Ask Dr. Snee. I’m pretty busy right now, training this group of interns. But I figured that since this week’s topic is getting Americans more active, I could use your letters as a training opportunity.
Speaking of, you ever notice how these “exercise more” campaigns always coincide with the Summer Olympics? That’s America’s old Cold War fever setting in again. It’s not the same as when footraces were the world’s most obvious analogy for the arms race, but China’s kind of like that rebound nemesis every superpower needs after a break-up.
Speaking of the mystery that is the woman’s orgasm, researchers are delving into a phenomenon known as the “coregasm.” As more women work out, more are reporting achieving sexual pleasure and even orgasms during exercise. The majority of the cases occur during abdominal workouts — hence the “core” in “coregasm” — but other culprits include “weight lifting, yoga, bicycling [not too surprising there] running and walking or hiking.”
Although the study’s author has heard men claim they experience coregasm, too, we’re a little hesitant to buy it. Come on, the male coregasm? That’s just a myth.
Fitness equipment company, Nautilus, recalled 10,000 elliptical machines for fall hazards. Nine Schwinn 460 units are reported to have detached or broken foot plates, which was a shock to Nautilus because that would require more than one use in the home.
A company spokesperson assured us on the condition of anonymity that the line poses no danger in its popular “coat rack” mode, though allowing dust to settle can trigger allergies.
According to a study published May 5 in Stroke–the medical journal, notStroke Magazine–the following eight activities can trigger aneurysms (or those brain things that conveniently kill moms in quirky movies):
8. Drinking coffee 6. (tie) Nose-blowing 6. (tie) Exercising with gusto 5. Drinking cola 4. Getting angry 3. Pushing too hard while pooping (We can talk this way because we’re discussing a medical issue.) 2. Sexing 1. Being surprised
There won’t be any letters this week. I want to talk to you about your health and some of my concerns. You may not realize it, but you–yes, you–are unhealthy.
Doctors and lesser scientists have tried everything to make you healthier. We told you that if you got into shape, you’d have more frequent and better sex. When we discovered that fat people and coat racks still manage to have sex, we tried to tell you sex is exercise. That just led to sex toys and the Internet.
We even tried to use food against you. We told you that you could lose weight by eating steak, every f#@king day. You could eat bacon every hour of the day, so long as you didn’t put it in bread. And you still blew it.
And that’s why I’m writing to you today. I’m feed up, so like a high school parent, the government and I are going to pay you for every passed physical. But, any time you do some unhealthy, we’re gonna take some of that money back.
According to researchers, exercise may keep you young at a molecular level. They believe that exercise keeps telomeres, which are essentially aglets on the shoelaces of your DNA strands, long enough to prevent fraying and cell death (their analogy).
In fact, active test subjects were cellularly on par with inactive people 10 years younger.
So, if you’re 16 and trying to buy beer, for the love of God, don’t exercise. Avoid stairs, sleep in front of the fridge and brush your teeth with Cheez-Whiz (and don’t spit afterwards). Your only mission in life is to sit absolutely still while growing an almost perceptible mustache.
OK, so you finally lost some weight, bringing you below the obese line. Perhaps you’re even barely above to overweight line. Time to relax and maintain, right?
WRONG, say doctors who wrote a new article in Circulation (clever, no?). If you’re a couple of pounds overweight, you still have a 180 percent increased risk of a heart attack over lean people. And, as Dr. Satish Kenchaiah, lead writer of the report, says, “The more you exercise, the more reduction [of the risk of heart disease] you have.”
So, what are you sitting around reading this for? Run! Run, you maggot! And don’t you dare stop running until you have a 0 percent chance of heart attack!
Taking a page from the Department of Education, the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services has lowered their exercise expectations. They once suggested working out 30 minutes a day, five days a week; now they can live with two hours a week.
So, that leaves you a lot of options. You could go for a 10 mile run once a week and then carpool to your garage the rest of the week, or you could count each time you get up from your seat as one of 200 reps at the office.
Basically, all you have to do is get out of bed everyday and try not to roll to the shower and the government says you’re fit enough.
See what you’ve done, America? You’ve turned our fitness gurus into hapless enablers.