Tag: explosion

You there! Cancer or death?

The Guys take comedy very seriously, and when a new advancement is made in the field of practical jokes, then we feel that it is our responsibility — nay, our duty — to give it the recognition it deserves. Would the inventor of the exploding cigar-sized electronic cigarette please step forward?

Thanks to your efforts, Unidentified Purveyor of Alternative Nicotine Dispensers, a new generation will know the joy of exploding cigars as leaf-based smoking products continue their death march to illegality. And, let’s not forget the cultural impact of your invention: thousands of animated shorts from the 1930s, ’40s and ’50s will remain relevant for using the analog equivalent to your fine product.

But, it also improves on the original. Whereas the analog exploding cigar would blacken the victim’s face and — at its inflammatory — inspire minstrelsy, the digital model induces severe burns, knocks out teeth, severs portions of the tongue and ejects the flaming battery, causing a structure fire if left unchecked.

So, step forward and accept your reward. And afterwards, we’ll smoke a congratulatory e-cigarette. Don’t worry; we always have seltzer bottles on hand. We’re comedy professionals.

White House penetrates lubed Gulf

Probe. Drill. Leak. Explosion.

It seems that nothing can be described in Washington without the description turning into a narrative of the world’s most clinical date rape and/or toiletgasm.

And today’s headline employs three out of four of those words. You’re welcome!

Spoilers: space is full of death

Remember, in space, no one can hear an emo planet cut itself.

A planet ten times the size of Jupiter is orbiting so close to its parent star, that it orbits in less than a single Earth day. It has one million years until one of the tidal plasma bulges its gravity is excreting on its parent star catch up with it, and then … KAPLOOIE!

So, why is this news? Because, technically, the planet is our galactic neighbor.

So, why isn’t this news? Cue on the word “technically.” By that, I mean that the planet is 325 light years away from Earth.

Dedication sometimes yields near explosive results

Stop me if you’ve heard this fish story before: Man goes fishing in the Gulf of Mexico. Man’s fishing rod begins to go crazy. Man figures that he’s caught one gigantic fish. After a long battle, man finally manages to reel in his catch. Man’s catch is a live guided missile.

Wait, you haven’t? Well, it’s happened.

What’s fairly awesome, though, about this deadliest catch is the dedication shown by this man to his craft. Most will go out at ungodly hours of the day/night, or sit through torrential rains, or bear sub-freezing temps, but this guy floated around in the Gulf with unexploded ordinance in his boat for 10 days.

Someone get this guy his own fishing show, otherwise, he may just accidentally kill us all with his next catch.

Oh, Canada, our combustible laaaaand…

Come one, come all, and come visit the fiery world of Toronto!  Act fast, and you too can see what once was a propane depot, now a smoldering hole in the ground! Book now, and at no charge, we’ll schedule you with a “local’s experience”, allowing you to live like one of those that went through the explosion. Hurry, and you’ll be able to:

See the fireball!

Feel the explosion!

Hear the roar of the blast!

Breath in the wondrous and massive cloud of smoke!

Be evacuated on cramped buses like locals!

Be cut by exploding windows, even if you’re up to a mile away!

Witness what simply must be the handiwork of Michael Bay. Book now!

A message to our western readers

The Guys are really sad to hear about the End of the World that has recently hit your neck of the woods. As some of you are no doubt aware, our own Rick Snee was within a couple miles of a tornado recently, and yours truly saw some really deep water a couple years ago, so we are practically experts on the End of the World coming to a world near you.

We do sincerely extend our regrets to all of you, and hope you don’t fall off into the ocean, as so many cinematic experiences would suggest. We would miss you terribly if you left us, and we hope the loss of vital utilities, like electricity, will not keep you from reading us.

Just to update everyone else: it’s snowing in San Diego (Spanish for “What is this ‘precipitation’ you speak of?”), stranding lots of people. But more entertainingly, a billion gallons of tainted water are set to cause a massive tidal wave in Colorado. And finally, Texas is blowing up.