OK, who’s been slacking?

Listen, animal warriors. When you tell us you’re doing your part to keep all animal life at bay, we believe you. Why? Because we thought we could trust you.

So, do you want to explain why scientists found over 1,000 new and thought-to-be-extinct species stuffed in the Mekong Delta? Did you think we wouldn’t eventually look in there?

It’s not just the deception that hurts, but look what’s been sitting in there this whole time:

  • 11 million-year-old rats
  • Spiders with foot long(!) legspans
  • Hot pink cyanide-producing dragon millipedes
  • Bright green pit vipers
  • Horned bovines

It’s like you’re trying to hide the worst from us.

Fortunately, the people of the Mekong are trying to help clean up your mess.

“There are cultural obstacles to protecting rare species, too. Many restaurants serve them as food. Restaurants often have rickety bamboo floors that one can look through to see cages filled with exotic animals, [Dekila] Chungyalpa [, Director of the World Wildlife Fund’s Mekong Program,] says. The more exotic the animal, the more status it often bestows on the person who consumes it.”

Until you prove that you’re trustworthy, we’re afraid that we cannot give you nice things anymore. Now get back to work. We don’t want to see you until dinner. (It’s Ocelot Helper Night.)

Unbearably perverse news from Nippon

If you thought this would be a slow news week, hold on to your butts, animal warriors.

Japan, which has had her share of animal menaces — from giant wasps to Gojira! — faces her worst threat yet.

One Tsuyoshi P. Bear was brought to the municipal zoo in the city of Kushiro in Hokkaido for one purpose only: to make sweet, sweet love to their female bear, Kurumi, so she could have puppies or something. (We’re not veterinarians.)

The only problem? Tsuyoshi is a Tsuyoko!

He’s a she. “Ko” is the traditional ending of a Japanese girl’s name. That joke kills in Japan. Just … whatever.

So, we have two female polar bears that are gay-married, destroying the sanctity of Japanese marriage. This is, clearly, the worst thing that has ever happened to the tiny island nation.

In related news, at least now we know why the polar bears are going extinct. Sarah Palin, Ted Stevens and ExxonMobil are off the hook.

Why can’t we finish them off?

There is never any news quite as good as when another species goes extinct. Obviously, it means we are that much closer to victory in the War on Animals, but when we find what we thought were dead species alive and well, we are not doing our jobs well enough.

Researchers have found a giant turtle in Vietnam that had not been seen in years, leading many to think it was extinct. The turtle is indeed still alive, and scientists think there could be more of them left, too. Is there no war we can win in that country?

What’s even worse, the Discovery Channel, which owns the Al Jazeera-like Animal Planet, reported recently that some pygmy elephants from Borneo have been found alive. People, we thought we killed these bastards off in the 18th century.

This is a call to arms. We need to make sure we kill off these creatures before they undo all the work we and our forefathers did. Let us finish the job.