Endangerous Tinder liaisons last chance to save white rhino

It’ll take at least $9 million dollars to convince these handlers to jack off a rhino. Donate today.

We suspect that Kenya doesn’t use Tinder much. Because, if they did, they’d know that most people aren’t using the app to get pregnant. Nearly the opposite, in fact. But, if the Ol Pejeta conservatory is aware that most casual hookups aren’t looking to continue their species, they aren’t showing it in their latest attempt to save the white rhino: a Tinder profile for Sudan, the last known male of his kind.

The conservatory needs to raise $9 million dollars to extract Sudan’s sperm and fertilize eggs from two of the last female white rhinos. They tried the old-fashioned way, but apparently Sudan wasn’t able to make a successful connection. (Be careful swiping right, ladies. Ol’ Softdick’s likely to call you a “whore” if you don’t respond to his messages right away.)

Surprisingly, though, the profile/marketing gimmick is working. Tinder users in 190 countries have swiped right on Sudan’s profile — so many that they crashed Ol Pejeta’s Web site, which is where the app redirects hornballs.* So, if you thought you were going to get with 6 feet and 5,000 pounds of horny fury, you’re not only going have to settle for 5’8, 195 pound Chad, but you might not even get to help Sudan.

And, hey, who knows? Maybe Sudan will be able to get it up again for his fans once the pressure’s off to make a baby.

Animal Warriors of the Week: Australians

Maybe this is why today’s Aussies are barely perturbed by a mere crocodile. Or why they never expected death from a stingray.

Longtime readers of SeriouslyGuys know that we’ve been at War on Animals since the founding days of this publication. Why? Because humans have always been at war with animals. And, it turns out that we’ve been winning it for the past 45,000 years in the least likely of places: Australia.

Despite being home of the deadliest animals on Earth — giant spiders, poisonous snakes, kangaroos, koalas with switchblades — things were even worse at one point in Australia. Like, “kangaroos weighing more than 1,000 pounds, 25-foot long lizards, 2,000-pound wombats, and many more huge creatures” worse. That is, until a group of new human arrivals to Oz said, “Crikey,” rolled up their sleeves and got to work eating anything larger than a can of Fosters.

And, to be sure, scientists ruled out “major changes in climate, vegetation or biomass burning.” What they couldn’t rule out? Evidence of eating cooked giant birds’ eggs in the remains of ancient cook fires — proving that you truly can’t make a civilization without cracking a few eggs.

So, good on ya, mates! Thank you for inventing both human dominance over god’s creatures great and small and the barbie!

Extinct plant perfume: Smells like nostalgia

For the last couple centuries, humanity has been kicking ass in the War on Plants. But some perfume makers want to bring some of those long-extinct species back–at least their scents.

Ginkgo Bioworks is going to make a whole new slew of scents from plants that have gone extinct in the last 2oo years or so. Researchers plan to take DNA from extinct plants and splice them into yeast to create produce the essence of the plants’ flowers. Of course, no one living can actually verify what these plants smelled like, so it’s very possible they’re just going to charge you for a bottle of scientist farts.

It’s sort of like Jurassic Park, only stuff is only a couple hundred years old and none of it will kill you, unless chaos theory is right again.

Hurricanes defeated via butterflies

Once we undo to the Butterfly Effect, there's no way nature would be so cruel as to redo it with an even worse cast.
Once we undo to the Butterfly Effect, there’s no way nature would be so cruel as to redo it with an even worse cast.

It’s important to remember that, in the War on Animals, there are no small foes, only small animal warriors. (Don’t stop injecting mice with Silly Putty just because you’re saving up for that big shootin’ safari to darkest Africa.) In fact, based on the science of Ashton Kutcher movies, we understand that some of these tinier animal menaces are responsible for some serious human death tolls and property damage. So, that’s why we’re excited to announce that butterflies are on the ropes in the UK.

Our industrial activity has warmed up merry old England so much that butterflies on that side of the world are dying off and expected to be extinct by 2050. And once those butterflies stop flapping over there, this side of the world will become hurricane-free (except for the ones we drink, of course).

Meanwhile, so long as we keep our butterflies under control on this side of the pond, we can continue throwing hurricanes at human foes like terrorists and hot Italian guys who steal our girlfriends. (Arrivederci, Giuseppe!)

Yes, a world without British butterflies will be a glorious time for America, especially for dating. Welcome to the future: a world where “second base” doesn’t involve eyelashes if you know what we mean.

Extinction only a hop, skip and jump away

Thanks to all those exhibitionists eating frog legs on dares, numerous frog species are now facing possible extinction.

It’s not from just the sheer number eaten–although that alone nearly wiped out frogs in India and Bangladesh back in those crazy, tasteless 1980s. Bullfrogs imported from Indonesia, China, Vietnam, Taiwan and Mexico carry chrytid fungus, which kills any native species they encounter.

Animal warriors, we’ve won this round, just so long as nobody figures out that there are easier animals to harvest that carry more meat and taste even more like chicken. (We’re talking about bunny rabbits, of course.)

Everything you know is wrong

You like the legendary Nanotyrannus? What about ol’ Torosaurus, the three horned champion of plant eaters? Well guess what? Science says these and others may not have actually existed.

Your childhood has officially been raped.

Many dinosaur species are experiencing a second extermination—death by reclassification. Thanks to new technologies (and essentially Occam’s Razor in some cases) that allow paleontologists to analyze the tissues in dinosaur fossils, many paleontologists are discovering that dinosaurs we once thought of as separate species are actually part of the same species, simply at different stages of their development. The Nanotyrannus, supposedly a diminutive cousin of the Tyrannosaurus Rex is probably just a juvenile version of the latter species. Similarly, the Torosaurus and the Dracorex hogwartsia (seriously, that’s the name) have been stricken from the books, as they are likely members of previously discovered species.

A paleontologist estimates that a third of dinosaur species currently listed are actually members of other speicies. So how were these creatures mislabeled for so long? As science becomes better able to determine the growth stage of dinosaur fossils, they are finding that many species retain their juvenile characteristics longer than previously believed, and as dinosaurs age, their characteristics undergo drastic changes.

In other words, some species of dinosaurs may have simply been late bloomers.

Take it from Snee: Kill the pandas

All will remember the 1600 or so!There are certain rights we expect. The right to live as we wish. The right to own property. The right to pursue Happiness, Sunshine or any other optimistically-named stripper. And, of course, the right to die as we wish.

The latter part has come up periodically over the past decade since Thomas Jefferson didn’t include “death” in the list of A Few of His Favourite Things. (Also left out: kittens, strudel, warm woolen mittens.)

We’ve jailed and early-released Jack Kevorkian, a former pathologist who helped dying people die on their own terms. We’ve removed, replaced and removed Terry Schiavo’s feeding tube until we finally stopped stringing her along and sent her to the happy walking trail upstairs.

So, if actions speak louder than wishy-washy, yet well-intentioned words, then we’ve effectively decided that we do have a right to die on our own terms, to “go out with our boots on.”

So, what about animals? Continue reading Take it from Snee: Kill the pandas

Extinction never tasted so good

Worcester’s buttonquail was a species of bird believed to be extinct. For a long, long time it had not been seen in the Philippines, and the bird had never been photographed.

That is until the damn bird was caught, photographed by National Geographic, a well-known terrorist organization.

However, this story has a happy ending. The bird was found by the “journalists” alive and well–on the poultry market. It was soon sold and eaten.

“What if this was the last of its species?” said Wild Bird Club of the Philippines President Michael Lu.

How fitting an end.

Time to remember and strengthen resolve

What is already a day of solemn reflection is now being greeted with some dark, dark news: a species of frog thought to have been extinct for 17 years has been found alive. And no, we can’t crucify it.

While this grim announcement can likely inspire feelings of defeat or depression, look not in that way. We are humans, we will persevere. We are the greatest species in the world, and nothing will ever change that. What we need to do now is use this news as motivation. We must choose to renew our will to win. It is time to sound again the call to battle.

Let us take a moment to remember all those who fought this year.

We can and will win this war.

We’re winning on some fronts

Great news, everyone! Remember those pesky sharks that used to be all over the place in the oceans, killing and eating fish and sailors who fall overboard? Me neither!

After 200 years of hard for and perservierence, we’ve nearly wiped the shark population off the map. That’s right, we’ve killed around 97 percent of the shark population. Granted, this blog is not happy that it took two centuries to get to that point, but at least we have gotten here.

Now that we have sharks on the brink, it’s time we make sure we finish the job for our fathers, our fathers’ fathers and our fathers’ fathers’ fathers.