Pew! Pew! You can shoot lasers from your eyes now

Science has finally given us the ability to shoot laser beams from our eyes. It’s a wonderful future, everyone.

It’s been the dream of mankind since the dawn of comic books, and now it’s a reality, thanks to Scottish researchers. They have created a flexible plastic membrane that can be put on a contact lens, and can shoot a laser beam when it’s hit with a laser beam itself.

OK, so it’s not quite X-Men level yet. But researchers say the technology could be used for identification and security purposes, kind of like a personal bar code. Which isn’t creepy at all.

Your eyes look kinda gay, baby

Gay people: for years, we’ve known they walk among us. But, until recently, there was absolutely no way to tell who does what with whom until they’re doing it and we’re forced to explain whatever that is to our children.

Fortunately, science is leading the way with new testing technology to identify even the most closeted of homosexuals. In the past, responses to erotic pictures and video were measured by rubber bands around the penis or cameras up the vagina. But now, we don’t need doctors to smut up their labs. They can now watch your pupils dilate … as you watch erotica.

Of course, this new Voight-Kompff sexual identity test will only work until LGBT laboratories develop more lifelike homosexuals.

You eyeballin’ me, boy?

No? Then you must not be very cool.

“Eyeballing“–which the kids pronounce with an emphasis on the “g” at the end as they’re all about annunciation these days–is a new teenaged drinking trend where high schoolers pour vodka into each others’ eyes.

The process reportedly gets them drunker faster and can cause corneal scarring. Also, it makes for “totes sweet YouTubes.”

If you are a parent, your child could be doing this … right now. To call them out on it, look for the following warning signs:

  • Red, swollen eyes that have difficulty focusing or holding down a job.
  • Visine bottles that reek of potatoes.
  • Lingo like “Pinko Eye,”Gawking at Lenin’s Tomb”,” “social justice” and, when asked if they’ve been drinking, they reply, “N’yet.”

Once you have diagnosed the problem, please, teach your teenager how to drink like a normal child.