Warm face, lubricated heart

Greek researchers have devised a new method for identifying drunks: thermal scanning their faces.

Every drinker has 20 points on their face that warm up when booze is consumed, and the more you drink, the more those spots heat up. And, of those spots, certain ones heat up more than others, indicating just how many sheets you’ve hoisted into the wind. Your nose, for example, gets considerably warmer than your forehead once you begin to tie one on in earnest.

So, if you’re looking to elude capture in the future, Space Drinkers, you’ll just have to cut off your head. Hopefully, medical science will allow that; otherwise, you can only do it once.

Eric Stoltz supports this tumor

If you look hard enough into something, you can probably find anything. Abe Lincoln was found as a chicken nugget. Lenin rose again in a shower curtain. Elvis was seen in a potato chip. Jesus has been found in a ton of things, though usually the bottom of a bottle … or a fish stick.

Those have now been topped. A tumor was discovered and an ultrasound of it was sent off to be examined by people at Urology, the International Society of Urology’s office journal. Why so? Because located on the tumor was a face. AND IT HUNGERS. Maybe?

The face appears to be in some manner of … concern. Distress. Pain. Acute sensory awareness. Like something out of a story concocted by Warren Ellis or William S. Burroughs, no one is aware of how it came about, but it’s being waved away as simply a random occurrence.

The testicle was removed and the mass was discovered to be harmless.

Sure it was.