For sale: Ariz. ranch, slight issue with alien abductions

Here’s a hot real estate tip for you: If you’re looking to buy a ranch, there’s one up for sale in Arizona. The only real issue is that you have to deal with aliens.

UFO propagandist John Edmonds says he’s had enough of extra terrestrials coming to his ranch and attacking him. On his Facebook page, he says it’s happened 19 times so far. The aliens show up at his ranch, and he gets into hand-to-hand combat with them, eventually scaring them off. One more time there: aliens have mastered interplanetary travel, but don’t have an answer to hand-held weapons, and get scared off every time.

In the most recent incident, they tried to kidnap his wife. But he saved her by fighting a group of them with a ninja sword, killing one of them. The aliens retreated with their fallen comrade’s body, so there’s no real evidence, of course.

So if you’re cool with living at a place once owned by a guy trying to make himself famous by lying about aliens, we have a great deal for you.

You Missed It: Alien invasion edition

Hey guys, how’s it going? Hopefully your house is still standing, and wasn’t flooded, blown to smithereens, or burned. We’re really checking all the boxes for natural disasters this month. This weekly feature has been missing largely because I’ve had family stuff to attend to. But here we all are. Let’s get reacquainted. If you were busy ending your marriage with Fergie this week, odds are you missed it.

Is this not a test?
TV viewers in California were shocked when emergency alerts flashed on their screens with incoherent messages. One message was a panicked voice talking about the government working with extraterrestrials, and the other proclaimed that violent times were ahead. It turned out that both were recordings of crazy people calling in to radio shows years earlier. Man, I hate sweeps week gimmicks.

From Russia with likes
This week, it was uncovered that Russian-funded ads on Facebook spreading pro-Trump propaganda and even organized Trump rallies while appearing to be grassroots movements. President Donald Trump responded in his typical, even-keeled way, saying that the Facebook ad controversy was fake news. So the news about the fake news on the site plagued continually by fake news is fake news. Get it straight.

The gateway spice
Experts say that pumpkin spice can really be addictive. They say while the flavors can trigger feelings of holidays and family, if you consume them enough, your body will soon crave it. Researchers warn the demographic most at risk to get hooked on pumpkin spice are “basic bitches.”

Facebook reverses decision, says Santa Claus is real

On Christmas Day, Facebook decided to be a Grinch. That’s when the site took away Santa Claus’ Facebook account and demanded proof of identification. In other words, Facebook didn’t believe in Santa.

We should remind you that Santa Claus is a real person. He really, truly, is on the North Pole, Alaska City Council, and he’s no stranger to firing up a funny yule log, being an outspoken supporter of legalizing marijuana. But Facebook didn’t believe in him, and chose Santa’s biggest day of the year to say so. Imagine you have been out delivering presents to all the good girls and boys all night long, only to come home in the morning and find Facebook has deactivated your account.

But the jolly fat guy didn’t let it slow him down. He sent Facebook multiple forms proving his identity, and his account was reactivated just before the New Year.

Setting fires won’t get you hired

There’s a lot to be said for being a go-getter when trying to find a job. If you can set yourself apart from the pack, you’ll have a better shot at getting hired. But there are limits.

In Kentucky, police say a man seeking a job as a weatherman set a forest fire so he could gain new fans on Facebook. Police say that rather than go to the several wildfires tore through the region, the 21-year-old man set his own fire, and videoed himself covering the fire before uploading it to Facebook so he could get more followers.

He is facing charges of second degree arson. But more importantly, forest fires aren’t weather.

The McBournie Minute: 3 reasons your Standing Rock check-in is dumb

In recent weeks, a large group of protesters has halted and called attention to the construction of the Dakota Access Pipeline. The protest was started by Native Americans concerned about keeping the water clean and drinkable at the Standing Rock Reservation, which straddles North and South Dakota. It’s gotten to be such an issue that the Obama administration is seeking to review the approval of the project.

This topic hits pretty close to my day job, but you didn’t come here for an education or to hear about my politics and how they apply to this one issue. You’re here for the yuck-yucks, so we’re going to stick with that.

Checking in to Standing Rock is as dumb as posting one of those “this is my content” messages. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: 3 reasons your Standing Rock check-in is dumb

C-Span asks viewers to text hot takes to D.C. bartender

Monday’s presidential debate had millions of viewers. Everyone wanted to see the prize fight, and TV stations couldn’t wait to get viewers and let them express their feedback. But a Washington, D.C. bartender was confused when her phone started blowing up with hot takes on the debate.

After the debate, C-Span invited viewers to share their opinions about the candidates and the debate via Twitter, Facebook and text message. The problem is, they listed the wrong number to text. The number they told people to text was actually owned by Tripp Diaz, who had no idea what was going on. She has received some 13,000 text messages and has 400 missed calls from C-Span viewers looking to put in their two cents about the debate. That bill ought to be fun.

Also, apparently there are still people who watch C-Span.

The McBournie Minute: No one told me what I’m supposed to do — expectant dad lessons

When my wife told me she thought she was pregnant, I told her it was probably just the Mexican food. I don’t believe she’ll ever let me live that down, so I may as well put it out there myself.

She’d been telling me about odd sensations for the past day or so, and I kept explaining it away. One time I suggested that the tacos we had the night before were the cause of the weird stuff going on in her body. The next day she took a test without telling me, then walked into the room and said, “Want to hear something crazy? I’m pregnant.”

Then she went out for a run. So I was left with the pregnancy test and some questions. A quick search online showed me that there wasn’t such a thing as a false positive, only a false negative. For days I’d been trying not to get excited over nothing, and now I could let the doubt go. I was going to be a father. I cried, I prayed, and I did my best to get myself together for when my wife got back from her run so I could finally share in her excitement.

They say it’s a journey you take together, but it’s not. It’s a journey that is experienced in two completely different ways by two people. For whatever arcane societal reason, it’s all about the mother from the beginning. She has all the support and all of the knowledge that has been passed down from woman to woman since the dawn of time. Guys don’t have that. We drink beer with other guys and grunt acknowledgingly at each other, because no one wants to make it awkward by mentioning feelings. It’s just how we’ve done it since the Stone Age, and it’s served humanity pretty well, I’d say. But it meant I had to figure most of this out on my own. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: No one told me what I’m supposed to do — expectant dad lessons

The McBournie Minute: Primary season isn’t real

Today is election day in Canada. Our friends are going to the polls today to decide who is going to run their country. But who cares about Canada? We’re just 13 months away from the U.S. presidential election, so let’s focus on that instead.

If your Facebook feed is any indication, it’s primary season, and that’s super important. We as Americans get the rare treat of directly choosing who will head the executive branch of our federal government for a period of four years. On top of that, the current guy isn’t eligible for another term, which means that both parties are trying to figure out who to run. It’s double the excitement, and it’s doubly important we get involved in the process. After all, our country’s future is at stake.

Except it really isn’t important right now. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: Primary season isn’t real

Take it from Snee: ‘Disliking’ the bare minimum of empathy

"Which does the crowd favor for this post? Like or dislike? Like ... ? Or ... DISLIKE."
“Which does the crowd favor for this post? Like or dislike? Like … ? Or … DISLIKE.”

Alright, before everyone gets their tits in a wringer about people clicking “dislike” on pictures of their haircuts, dinners and weddings: Facebook isn’t creating a “dislike” button.

Let me repeat that: there will not be a “dislike” button to click when somebody pisses you off. You’ll still have to use two mouse clicks to either ignore or unfriend them.

That said, Facebook is, however, developing a too-be-named empathy button based on at least thousands — if not millions — of requests for one because it feels kind of sh*tty to “like” when somebody’s grandma died. But what those potentially millions of users don’t realize is that it’s also kind of sh*tty to use a single mouse click and think they’re empathizing with someone’s pain.

The fact that thousands — if not millions — of users will finally achieve their dream of expressing empathy with the same calories burned to not type “LOL” at someone’s joke isn’t Facebook’s fault; it’s ours. (Although I will entertain arguments that it’s our fault because of years of using Facebook.)  Continue reading Take it from Snee: ‘Disliking’ the bare minimum of empathy

The McBournie Minute: Food pictures and other things you’re doing wrong on Facebook

There are a lot of social justice warriors out there. That’s not a bad thing most of the time. Although we all have those friends who seem to hop on Facebook hourly to express their righteous rage about some sort of pop controversy, and connect it to their own cause. What we really need these days are social media justice warriors.

I’m not talking about social media “gurus” or “ninjas” or whatever those step-above-interns are calling themselves these days. I’m saying we need to call out the people we follow on social media when they post something dumb or pointless.

If you’re a regular reader, you know that from time to time I like to update all of you fine people on what is and isn’t polite and considerate on social media. Let’s get into the latest batch. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: Food pictures and other things you’re doing wrong on Facebook