Will the shoe be given the boot?

Monopoly is a fantastic game. Next to Snakes & Ladders, it’s the only other game where numerous families have been nearly destroyed over long, drawn out games that take place over the holidays, and that’s just following the rules out of the box. Throw in special house rules and extra below the table agreements, and you’ve got “My First Totalitarian Rule” in a box.

But everything’s changing now! Hasbro has decided that it’s time to update the classic game, and as such, one of the long used pieces is getting the boot. Internet users can go to a Facebook page and cast their vote for their favorite piece.

Allow us to lobby for the end of the thimble. It’s the most boring piece out of them all, has no intrinsic special powers (unlike the other pieces: shoe gets to boot other pieces, battleship gets to shoot down houses, top hat has built-in extra money) and no one bothers with thimbles anymore. It’s time for the old to go out and make room for the new. Vote out the thimble, and vote in the robot.

You Missed It: End of 2012 edition

It's how I do my thinking.
It’s how I do my thinking.

Oh, hello there. I’m just here sitting back in my smoking jacket and enjoying a nice whiskey on the rocks (my third). You know, I’ve been thinking a lot about 2012. It really sucked, didn’t it? Stop and think about it for a minute, did anything good happen this year to anyone but Psy? Not really. However, it certainly was a wild, memorable ride. Perhaps it was the looming threat of the end of the world. It could be the heavy buzz I’ve got going, but I feel like looking back on the biggest stories of this year. Grab a drink and join me, won’t you?

January:

Swingin’ Gingrich
Marianne Gingrich made her ex-husband, Newt, look even worse by dropping the bombshell that he wanted to have an open marriage. Apparently this is worse than asking your wife for a divorce when she’s recovering from cancer treatments in the hospital. Mitt Romney didn’t see what the big deal is–you can have more than one wife, right?

Also, they battle Hitler
In a story that can only end well, scientists in New York made “supersoldier” ants. I’m not really sure why this was so important to do, but now there are ants with really large heads. Their heads are so large that they are able to block the entrances to their nest when it comes under attack. Also, they do this really cool shield-throwing trick.

Equal time rule
A year away from inauguration day, and President Barack Obama was out on the campaign trail. He was raising funds, and he’d do just about anything for your money. At The Apollo, he noted that Rev. Al Green was in the audience, and did his own version of “Let’s Stay Together,” well a few bars of it, anyway. And he’s got the chops for it, too. The American public got to hear his pipes more along the campaign trail when he sang “Red Solo Cup” in Missouri. Continue reading You Missed It: End of 2012 edition

You Missed It: Concentrated Orange Juice Edition

Your normal YMI is being interrupted by the one, the only, Chugs! Yes, Bryan McBournie is off this week but still on assignment, deep in the heart of the Democratic Republic of Yemen.

We don’t know why either. The last we saw him, he was muttering something knowing that part of the name of the country is misspelled and he’s gonna get to the bottom of it. Regardless, if your wife was busy withholding your tax returns, odds are you missed it.

Never trust a drop-out

Investors unclicked the Like button for Facebook stock this week as it saw a plummeting drop. The fall saw the stock now sitting at below 20 dollars a share. Confidence in the offering is now at an all-time low, though it’s been spun that now 2 billion shares will be eligible for trading in almost the next year. When questioned about whether they had anything to do with this, the creators of Friendster thumbed their noses and blamed it on Tom.

Not so anonymous now, are you?

Julian Assange has now been spotted! And now he’s gone! No wait, he’s there! And by there, we mean the Ecuadorian embassy in London. Ecuador has decided to grant asylum to Assange, the noted person on the run behind the WikiLeaks scandal. Remember, this moment, because when someone asks you where you were when this happened, you’ll be able to respond “Sure, but where’s Ecuador?”

Now. You. See. Me. Now. You. Don’t.

Researchers at Harvard have managed to create a robot that can blend in with its surroundings. Basing this technique on squid, octopi, cuttlefish and the Muppet Babies version of Gonzo, the ro-butt also has a flexible body and can change the color of its body like a cheap novelty mug. Has anyone decided to look into maybe nuking Harvard for the sake of humanity?

Timeline of a robber

We don’t necessarily advocate or encourage people to go about robbing people and places, but if you are going to do so, maybe you can think things through and be smart about it?

Things like not showing your ID to a camera, avoiding conversation, logging out from Facebook, these are all acts that require the simplest of actions that can save you jail time. Especially if, say, you were logged into Facebook at a Colombian internet cafe, then proceeded to rob said internet cafe.

We’re not asking you to commit crimes, we’re just asking you to be Bond villains rather than the henchmen.

Welcome to the plummet of our nation

Maybe we’re not so great. Okay, the Guys are, but some states in the US may not quite be so. The latest contenders?

  • Kentucky: Where teenagers are intelligent enough to think that taking a photo of yourself stealing gas from a cop car and then posting said photo on Facebook completely nullifies the crime. SPOILERS: It doesn’t.

Go ahead and make your choice. We’ll be sitting here in the corner simpering for the future.

Will you be enemies with us?

Friends are great and all, but if Facebook is useful for anything, it’s for keeping tabs on exes and enemies. To date, the social networking site has not been eager to support that effort, refusing to issue dislike buttons and increasing privacy settings to foil our reconnaissance.

One app developer, however, is trying to change that. Dean Terry of the University of Texas at Dallas has created EnemyGraph, an app that allows users to mutually declare each other enemies and presumably update you when new pictures indicate they’ve gained weight. You’ll have to hurry, though, because Terry believes Facebook will pull the app in a matter of weeks.

So, in the meantime, will you be our enemy? For all of our crimefighting and adventuring, The Guys are seriously lacking in the nemeses department.

Mamas, don’t let your babies grow up to be IT professionals

A country-ass “IT professional” dad, Tommy Jordan, was shocked — shocked — that his teenage daughter posted something bitchy about her family to her friends on Facebook. So, taking a page from Dr. Spock, he took her laptop to a field and recorded a YouTube video of himself reading her post, responding to it, grounding her and then emptying his .45’s clip into said laptop for her — and we quote — “childish behavior.”

He then posted that video to her Facebook wall, from which she is grounded. (He said it was a message to her friends, who we’re sure will respond in equally mature fashion.)

That’ll teach her to be a teenager.

Since then,  “Mr.” Jordan has declined any and all interviews, saying that he can’t believe people would view what he publicly posted, respond and criticize him on television.

The bald and the beautiful

Much like Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., whom we celebrate today, Rebecca Sypin of Lancaster, Calif., and friend Jane Bingham of New Jersey also have a dream.

That dream is of a “beautiful and bald” Barbie doll. Not satisfied with destroying the body images of little girls with hair, the two have launched a Facebook campaign to convince Mattell (or, less desirably, another toy company) to add a hairless Barbie to their line.

Mattell has, to date, not committed to the doll, saying they receive “hundreds of passionate requests for various dolls” and will keep their application on file. If that response sounds political, it’s probably because of a rival request from the Little Brothers of America, whose Facebook group claims that an already bald Barbie will put millions of younger siblings out of work.

As Facebook use goes up, street cred for crime goes down

Bettysue Higgins, the now former administrative assistant for a law firm, has pleaded guilty to embezzlement charges after her fraudulent spending on casual video games was caught out.

Between 2006 and 2010, Higgins wrote approximately 220 checks using the forged signature of the firm’s executive director. In the last two years, 78 were

“deposited directly to her personal account and paid out the funds to Zynga YoVille and Zynga Mafia Wars.”

For those that don’t know, YoVille and Mafia Wars are social networking games played through Facebook.”

While the vast majority of the checks recently were for the games, they only constitute around $4,000 of the $166,000 in total she embezzled from the company. Nonetheless, embezzlement for Facebook games isn’t really something that’ll get you the alpha spot in prison. Worst of all, this is certainly action unexpected of a woman named Betty Sue, much less one with both Betty and Sue merged into one name.

Take it from Snee: The U.S. Citizenship Test (according to Facebook)

Good afternoon, presumably American citizen! As you’re probably aware, your right to citizenship is guaranteed by the 14th amendment to the U.S. Constitution (not to be confused with the U.S.S. Constitution, which — like diversity — is an old, old wooden ship used during the Civil War era). And, if you’re not a citizen, then you can apply and then take a test to prove you’re the stuff American dreams are made of. But, is that too simple?

In many trades, you are required to periodically re-certify to maintain your current standing or move up to another level of union or guild membership. Those who can’t make the grade in, say, barrel-making could find themselves out of a job if they can’t stay up to date in the latest innovations in the field of coopering.

We could have had something similar for U.S. citizenship. Unfortunately, some Southern racists ruined things by only applying political competency tests to African Americans, so the Voting Rights Act of 1965 pretty much nipped that idea in the bud.

But, what if there were a way for people to self-administer this test to prove over and over again to their friends and family that they are America+ citizens? It seems silly to think anyone would submit that kind of personal information on a daily basis to coworkers and near strangers …. and then Mark Zuckerberg invented Facebook.

I’ve created a new U.S. Citizenship Recertification test based on my research, which consisted of diddling around on Facebook all day. Continue reading Take it from Snee: The U.S. Citizenship Test (according to Facebook)