Tag: Facebook

Freedom chickens come home to roost

It took over eight years, but France has finally gotten back at certain Americans’ slights in the build-up to the Iraq War. The French Superior Audiovisual Council (CSA) has banned the terms “Facebook” and “Twitter” from their radio and television broadcasts, except when listed as a source of specific information when their journalists investigate stories as lazily as ours do.

One of CSA’s board members, Christine Kelly, explained their decision:

“Why give preference to Facebook, which is worth billions of dollars, when there are many other social networks that are struggling for recognition? This would be a distortion of competition. If we allow Facebook and Twitter to be cited on air, it’s opening a Pandora’s Box – other social networks will complain to us saying, ‘why not us?'”

Unfortunately, her quote has inadvertently raised the stock of Pandora Radio, where you can listen to free Internet radio, find new music and participate in the Music Genome Project. Ms. Kelly never intended for you to know that it’s a new kind of radio–stations that only play music you like. And she certainly never meant to send you to Pandora.com today!

Warrior of the Week: Mark Zuckerberg

Like everyone else in the world, we’re a bit paranoid about what Facebook does with all of our information, but we just can’t help uploading our wild pictures from the party the other night. However, Mark Zuckerberg has gained a lot of street cred in our books, recently.

The founder of Facebook is now only eating what he kills. No, really, if he’s going to eat a salami sandwich, he hunts down a wild salami and kills it, before slaughtering it and serving it up. This also means he is personally executing all sorts of animals before he eats them, including a confirmed pig and goat.

What’s the appeal of long-distance girlfriends, again?

If you’ve been trying to start a business that’s so sad that it’s genius, then we’re sorry to tell you that “fake Internet girlfriend agency” has already been taken.

If you don’t immediately find the appeal in paying a service to reply to your tweets and post messages on your Facebook wall, let Cloud Girlfriend company co-founder David Fuhriman assure you that:

1. The person behind the fake account is an actual woman with possibly functioning woman parts.

2. There is absolutely no possibility of nude photos or porn.

3. It’s “just like having a real long-distance girlfriend,” only “without the hassles.”

So, if you think about it, it’s like paying for a prostitute without the hassle of STDs. Or like going to a strip club, minus the hassle of seeing some rude titties. Or like having friends, but without the hassle of introducing your fake girlfriend to them.

Thou shalt not call thy spouse ‘hubby’ or ‘wifey’

When the Reverend Cedric Miller spoke out against married couples using Facebook because it makes infidelity so easy, we knew that a scandal was around the corner. And, lo and behold, it was around that corner 10 years ago.

So a Reverend had sex with his wife and another man. If you had constant access to a book that told you the awesome wrong way to do everything, there’s no way you wouldn’t try something. How could you not mix meat and dairy just once?

But, let’s not lose the point here. Rev. Miller’s right: married couples should stay off of Facebook. Or at least just the ones whose profile pictures are of their children.

Take it from Snee: You’re about to get dumped

Look, I don’t know how to break this to you, but … well, you’re about to get dumped.

Or you’re about to dump somebody. Either way, you are about to be alone, so very alone soon.

How could I possibly know that? Because of Facebook.

David McCandless, a London designer, just released a graph of status updates containing the phrases “break up” or “broken up.” He discovered two peak periods in which the phrases were used: Spring Break and the two weeks before Christmas.

Here’s my interpretation of his data. Continue reading Take it from Snee: You’re about to get dumped

Today’s SG brought to you by number 12, letters ‘oz’

If the latest surveys are to be believed, 92 percent of U.S. children are online and reading SeriouslyGuys before the age of two. Actually, a full quarter of children started their Guysville (launching very soon!*) game accounts before even exiting the womb.

So, to all of the parents of those children, we just want to assure you that your progeny’s mind is safe with us. Don’t even bother monitoring their online habits; just set the parental controls to keep it on this Web site and go have a drink.

…

OK, are they gone?

Awesome! Welcome to SeriouslyGuys! Have you checked out our Booze News section? You can’t have a Facebook profile without documented drunken escapades! And here’s how to set your privacy settings so your parents will never know.

*Never happening: our promise to you.

LOL, D3FENCE RESTS

Facebook and the legal system: they’re like oil and water, as the two combined just don’t mix. I know that. You know that. That hobo sitting with a jar full of bum wine knows that.

So why didn’t anyone tell Hadley Jons that?

Jons, a Michigan juror for a resisting arrest trial, decided that her mind was made up regarding the verdict. Unfortunately, the prosecution hadn’t quite finished its case yet. Double unfortunately, she decided to let her Facebook friends (and thereby, everyone on the internet) know exactly what her verdict was. That’s not what we call a smart decision.

The defense attorney subsequently let the judge know about this once the information was revealed. Jons was removed from the case and could potentially face some time in a jail cell (if the defense attorney has anything to say about it). While it’s probably increasingly difficult in this day and age to find an unbiased jury due to how plugged in everyone is, you’re kind of supposed to take the whole justice thing a bit seriously in the first place.

We ‘dislike’ your face

If you’re anything like us,  you spend a good percentage of your day maintaining your millions of Facebook fans and friends.

Since the days of stalking girls in your sociology class, the entire world has joined in ready to be your friend … until you say something that offends their sensibilities.

So, the next time you get a response from some whiny distant family member or employer about needing a “dislike” button, tell them it’s available as an app, and it’s faaaaantaaaaaaaastic.

Inter-Web solves all conservative problems!

The Internet is like the universe: nobody has seen the whole thing, and anyone claiming to know exactly what’s out there is trying to sell you something.

So, when it was announced that political conservatives were starting their own “Facebook or Twitter or Tumblr,” we knew this would be a hoot.

Ricochet (not to be confused with the chain of gay rod and gun clubs) will become an online home for conservatives by conservatives like Peter Robinson, who believes the “left outweighs the right-wing in cyberspace.”

We’re not sure exactly how anybody measures that sort of statement, considering that people of all political stripes use (or are at least invited to use) Facebook, Twitter and Tumblr, each of which are distinctly different from each other unless you only know them as buzzwords. Or, do they mean it in the Fox News-sense where  it’s not fair to conservatives if there is any liberal involvement whatsoever?

(Special thanks to Alexis for the story.)

Nnnnnhhhh…….

Look, Japan ain’t perfect. Far from it.

However, there is still a line of propriety, though, and a certain New Hampshire politician’s Facebook status update certainly skirted it.

Representative Nick Levasseur went and noted the following on Facebook:

“Anime is a prime example of why two nukes just wasn’t enough”

This was not a good thing to do on the internet. RIGHTEOUS AND INDIGNANT FURY was (apparently) felt by many and then utilized throughout the numerous series of pipes and tubes that you’re reading this on. Now, does he have a point? Maybe. Possibly. We’re not really sure here at SG HQ, as we tend to lean more towards gaseous weapons rather than those of the nuclear variety (chili + Schools = one less third world country). But there’s a good chance that he possibly should have worded his phrase differently.

It begs the question, though: just how many more nukes would change anime to Levasseur’s liking?