Tag: Facebook

BFF: Let’s bomb Iran

Over the past eight years, we’ve learned a little something about our intelligence agencies: they’re behind the times and often inept.

Well, worry no more! The CIA, FBI and 14 other intelligence agencies are using an online social network called A-Space to share their intelligence ideas. It’s modeled after Facebook and Myspace, which are known throughout the Internet for their security and validity of ideas.

“Instead of posting thoughts about the new Avenged Sevenfold album or Jessica Alba movie, CIA analysts could use A-Space to share information and opinion about al Qaeda movements in the Middle East or Russian naval maneuvers in the Black Sea.”

Sleep easy, America. Our next intelligence issues are going to be settled by that attention whore in the NSA who has 1,000 friends (and near topless pictures!). Or maybe some Secret Service crank whose ex-girlfriend suddenly has ties to Hamas.

Wen Jiabao has invited you to The Maoist Party

Sure, he may be busy trying to get aid to his people and helping rebuild an earthquake-tattered part of his country, but that doesn’t mean Chinese Premier Wen Jiabao does not have time to tag you in pics from last weekend, or ask you to add 800,000 applications everyday. He will even write nice messages on your wall.

Wen now has a Facebook profile and probably wants to add you as a friend. It is not clear how he got there, most perplexing is that Facebook is blocked in China, anyway, but he seems to be there to stay. So next time you want to keep up on what the Chinese premier is doing, remember: don’t go to MySpace, go to Facebook.

He’s probably got tons of fake MySpace profiles, anyway.

How To: Get answers

How many times has this happened to you?You wake up naked on a couch you don’t recognize … well, not entirely naked thanks to a strategically-placed sombrero. It’s daytime, though your hot, stinging brain wishes it wasn’t, but you can’t tell the time: a VCR flashes 12:00 over and over again.

Stumbling around using couch cushions as crotch- and butt-covers, you knock over the world’s largest beer can pyramid, to find the bathroom to this mystery apartment. “PENIS” scrawled across your forehead. You pray that it’s dry erase, but your futile wiping proves that, alas, it is Sharpee. Blood is dried at the corners of your lips, but it does not taste like your own.

You need answers, but how do you get them? That is the subject of this week’s How To: Get answers. Continue reading How To: Get answers

When society crumbles, blame Facebook

This is an emergency SeriouslyGuys Bulletin.  Please drop whatever you are doing (picking your belly-button lint) and pay close attention.  Your life may depend on this news.

SeriouslyGuys has just discovered from CNN that college students are revealing their relationship statuses on Facebook, an open online forum that anyone can access.  Users can list themselves as “single,” “in a relationship with,” “engaged to,” “married to” or even “it’s complicated with.” 

The last option, “it’s complicated,” is the most alarming because it encourages uncommitted relationships with multiple people.  We all know that polygamy, homosexuality and beastiality are destroying society, and it’s not fair that college students are allowed to do that.

It’s a mystery how this Facebook feature, which has been part of the social network since it launched, has escaped CNN’s notice for so long.  What’s next?  Creating cults about pasta that users can join?  Fortunately, it’s never too late to talk to your kids about the perils of moral ambivilance on the Internet.

Man the Quarantine Buttons!

We’ve encountered an uncharted region of Virus Spam Country, boys! It would seem that spam of the pornographic variety has finally caught up to Facebook, making this once super-special social networking site just like every other place social networking site (*coughMySpacecough*) on teh internets(TM). While I’m not sure if I truly care whether or not Facebook is being besieged by the pornsters, I suppose I side against it taking place-but that’s mainly because I’m addicted to Warbook, and any possible chance of that application being eliminated from my life brings tears of sadness rage and meanness.