Tag: Fark

Internet activity stops after Emma Watson announcement

With the elections finally over — unless Georgia has any more overdue offices to fill — coupled with zero interest in foreign news, the Internet has officially frozen on news that Emma Watson, Hermione Granger in the Harry Potter movies, might do some nude scenes in future projects.

Since this announcement reached all blogs, online magazines and message boards this morning, all production of snarky t-shirts, LOLcats and satirical fake news posts have ceased, presumably as the entire Internet population has paused to masturbate.

Regular Internet users are distraught, users like Amanda Daniels, who had to do actual work today since the entire Buffy the Vampire Slayer fan forum went dead.

“Will nobody respond to my post about how Willow should make a crossover appearance in Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles?” Daniels said. “I mean, Hermione’s hot, but Alyson Hannigan and Summer Glau in my proposed shower scene? Shiney!”

Only one Web site has maintained any traffic in the past hour: the Google image search. However, experts believe the Internet will get up and moving again once their stimulus package takes effect: planting the seeds of an “Is Megan Fox Hot?” debate on Fark.

A SeriouslyIntervention

Hello, SeriouslyReader.  How are you?  Good.

You’re probably wondering why The Guys are all here in your office.  We wanted to start by saying that we love you, but we’re concerned.

According to Dr. Jerald Block’s article in the American Journal of Psychiatry, you’re addicted to the Internet.  We’ve noticed it for some time, as you:

Suffer from feelings of withdrawal when a computer cannot be accessed.
Remember that time you tried us at gunpoint, just to see if there were any new Fark headlines?  That was scary.

Increasingly need better equipment.
You camped out for an iPod Nano.  You already have a regular iPod and a video iPod.

Need more time to use it.
We used to go on trips.  Now “there’s never enough time” because your 2,000 Facebook friends are constantly updating their relationship statuses.

Experience negative repurcussions from your addiction.
You lost your job because you were distracted by a flame war in Cary Tennis’ advice column about breast implants.  Your children have to eat chiclettes for lunch.  Oh, and you totaled the car because you were texting your BFF to let him know “where u at.”

As we said, The Guys love you, but you have an addiction, and it hurts us to watch your downward spiral.  You don’t have to quit the Internet, but you could cut back.  How about just reading SeriouslyGuys from here on out?