Wedding rings can also be found on the dollar menu

“I’m lovin’ it” now equals “I do.”

Starting January 1 of next year, the fast food empire will begin offering wedding receptions at four of Hong Kong’s 200 McDonald’s restaurants. The parties will accommodate up to 100 guests, who will be plied with party favors and Big Macs. An apple pie wedding cake will serve as the bride and groom’s first sweet taste of happily ever after.

Don’t expect a champagne toast, however. Since McDonald’s restaurants aren’t licensed to serve alcohol, well-wishers will have to content themselves with Triple Thick shakes instead. That is not an equal trade-off at all.

If it all seems a bit, well, tacky at first, upon reflection there’s something sort of sweet about it. After all, plenty of Americans get married by Elvis impersonators in Vegas. And who’s to say a McDonald’s can’t be as romantic as a ballroom at your local swanky hotel? Well, outside of a person with an ounce of tact or class.

And at a cost of the equivalent of just a few hundred U.S. dollars, it sure beats the price tag for most conventional weddings. And who doesn’t like a nice trade-off on quality for cost?

The best things in life include countermeasures

It’s Friday, so we know what you little hornballs want: redheaded titis hamburgers. The greasier, the better, right?

But, what about cholesterol, frowny-face?

Never get between British scientists and their chips, because they have a solution. And by solution, they mean adding a side of statin drugs to every fast food value meal.

Statins lower the unhealthy amount of bad cholesterol–LDL–and could “offset the increased risk to the heart caused by the fat in a medium-sized cheeseburger and a small milkshake.”

We think this is a brilliant idea and would like to apply it to some other vices, like selling:

  • Breathmints with cigarettes.
  • Viagra with motorcycles.
  • Penicillin with your mom.

Fast food is fast rising in foreign countries

Kentucky Fried Chicken, Taco Bell and Pizza Hut, all owned by Pepsi spinoff Yum! Brands, are gaining ground on McDonalds in China, India and Russia. With 37,000 restaurants in 110 countries, Yum! is the world’s largest restaurant chain in terms of outlets and its growing in popularity overseas, bringing in more money every year. That’s a lot of saturated fat.

Yum! opened its first KFC in China, near the infamous Tiananmen Square, 23 years ago, and its decision to hit the ground early in China (McDonalds opened in China in 1990) has given it an edge over the competition.

The company has more than 70 KFCs in India and 160 Pizza Huts, which sort of makes sense. In a country that (essentially) shuns the consumption of beef, giving a trans-fat filled alternative is a fairly smart idea. The company says it will have 1,000 outlets by 2015, employing 50,000 people around the world and bringing in $100 million in profits. Hope you’ve got a hankering for triple protein pizza sauce bun-sticks.

It’s a sad day for Happy Meals

Unhappy times are ahead for those who love Happy Meals in Santa Clara, California. It’s being reported that Santa Clara County has approved a ban on the promotional toys that often accompany kids’ meals at fast-food spots like McDonald’s, Burger King and Taco Bell. The toys must be discontinued unless the restaurants can institute a voluntary program in the next 90 days that improves the nutritional offerings. Yeah, that’s easy to do.

According to ordinance sponsor Ken Yeager, “This ordinance prevents restaurants from preying on children’s love of toys. This ordinance breaks the link between unhealthy food and prizes.”

Childhood obesity and diabetes is on the rise in the U.S., and Santa Clara is taking a route that goes above parental roles in healthy eating and targets the food itself. The ban will create massive havoc for franchise owners in Santa Clara, even if Happy Meal toys were better back in my day.

What could this ultimately lead to? Families driving across county lines just for some plastic. And Happy Meal toys.

Take it from Snee: Your army’s so fat

As this Web site reported on Tuesday, the obesity epidemic in this country now affects our national security.  One-quarter of all 17-24 year-olds exceed recruitment weight limits. And what’s the big deal about one-fourth? An additional half are in ineligible because they dropped out of high school, have criminal records or have non-Big Mac-related medical issues.

That’s three-quarters of our Selective Service. If we suddenly needed a draft to fight off human waves of Canadians, we’d be forced to sew uniforms together, widen trigger holes, and hollow out tanks to equip our nation of fatasses–so long as they don’t have to run anywhere.

At least, that sounds like it would be a problem until you consider that, while recruits are turned away for being too overweight, active duty soldiers are being discharged for the same reason. Our military is fat! In order to support our troops, they’ll need those Rascal scooters to get to combat zones!

But, is this really a problem? Are our young warriors really Too Fat to Fight? Continue reading Take it from Snee: Your army’s so fat

Ronald McDonald: Member of the Illuminati

A consumer advocacy group claims it’s time for Ronald McDonald to go, saying the nation’s largest fast-food chain’s “Chief Happiness Officer” has too much influence on kids. Yes, you read that right.

Corporate Accountability International will release a report looking at how McDonald’s uses Ronald McDonald as a marketing tool to market unhealthy products to children. The report includes information on childhood obesity rates, health and how Americans see Ronald McDonald.

McDonald’s, however, says Ronald McDonald is a “beloved brand ambassador” for the fast-food chain.

“He is the heart and soul of Ronald McDonald House Charities, which lends a helping hand to families in their time of need. Ronald also helps deliver messages to families on many important subjects such as safety, literacy, and the importance of physical activity and making balanced food choices.”

Corporate Accountability International plans to hold nearly two dozen events at McDonald’s restaurants and at colleges around the country Wednesday as it announces the contents of its report on Ronald McDonald. Events are being held in New York City, Boston, Chicago, Orlando, Greensboro, N.C., Minneapolis, San Francisco and Burlington, Vt., among other locations.

The advocacy group has also launched campaigns against bottled water and tobacco companies. So, you know, the group’s got that going for it.

The McBournie Minute: I have a problem

Apologies again for the absence of the Minute last week. I had no power Monday afternoon through about 10 pm that night, and when the power came on I had had a few. Writing was not the best idea. At least I made a cameo writing Eat My Sports last week.

I also have another thing I need to apologize to you about. This is not easy for me to say at all, but I have to be brave and come out and say it. Folks, I am an addict. I’ve been one for years. It started off when I was a kid, I didn’t think anything of it at the time, but as I got older, things got worse. Now I’m coming clean.

As with most people, I experimented in college. I thought I could handle it–that I could quit any time I wanted to. I was wrong. Before I knew it, I was hooked worse than ever before. My body would tell me I needed another hit, so I gave in every time. I’m struggling to recover even today from my addiction to fast food. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: I have a problem

I’ve heard they can smell pigstrual blood

What’s a pig to do when it’s lost and hungry on the streets?

If you’re a horror movie fan, then it will begin to eat the populace in no time; however, in real life, the pig just goes for fast food.

Gladys, a 300-pound one-year-old female pig, was found oinking into the transmitter by Quiznos employees. The employees gave the “malnourished” swine some Quiznos fare while waiting for Animal Control to arrive. Being an ungrateful guest, the pig later threw up all that it had been given.

The pig was treated for an infection, but is now eating well and very sociable. Animal control doesn’t know where Gladys came from, but the department had received reports of a stray pig about two weeks ago. We’d be lax about the health and security of the member of the enemy too.

You know when it’s real

From the same place that brings you The Baconator comes-the life saver.

Wendy’s employees in Middleburg Heights, Ohio, say a man came into the restaurant with his two sons on Dec. 27 and passed out.

“I looked down the line this way to make sure everything was okay and I heard a thud. By the time I turned around, he was on the floor.”

Meade found the man bleeding on the floor when he instructed the staff to call 911 and take the man’s two young sons to the office in the back of the restaurant. Then, Meade and another employee, John Mattice, took action of their own.

“I checked him for a pulse and everything and he had nothing, no vital signs at all,” said Mattice.

Quick on their feet, Meade and Mattice performed chest compressions on the passed-out man until the Middleburg Heights Fire Department arrived and took the man to nearby Southwest General Hospital.

The customer’s identity nor the reason he passed out has not been released, but he is expected to fully recover. We don’t, however, expect him to start craving for a Whopper or a Big Mac, though.

I’ll have two orders of tots and a side of meth

Hahahaha. Meth and the people who cook it always make me laugh.

Police arrived at the Cape Girardeau, Mo., Sonic drive-in, about 115 miles south of St. Louis, shortly before 2 a.m. on Thursday to discover 27-year-old Dennie L. Bratcher allegedly attempting to whip up a batch of meth in the restaurant. The shift manager, who lives in Cape Girardeau, has been charged with second-degree burglary and an attempt to manufacture a controlled substance.

Police said that Bratcher had worked the night shift and then came back after the restaurant had closed. Officers rushed to the scene when the burglar alarm was triggered and found the 27-year old inside, wearing his Sonic uniform.

“This is one of the most unusual places we’ve run into this,” Cape Girardeau police spokesman Jason Selzer told television station KFVS.

I personally look very forward to seeing Brian Huskey strung out over the new meth-flavored Sonic Blast in their next commercial.