Burger King’s war for Belgian throne is over

As suddenly as the Belgian Civil War began, it ended. Earlier this week, we told you that Burger King was attempting to unseat Belgium’s King Philippe in its latest ad campaign. The king of Belgium had issued a warning in response.

Apparently the monarch of hamburger patties served on a bun doesn’t have the army to unseat the Belgian sovereign. The company said it was ending its ad campaign about who is king of Belgium after a “conversation” with the royal palace.

Burger King backed out so far that it even removed the word “king” from its logo on the campaign’s site. We now assume that the Burger King has been arrested on high treason charges.

Burger King trying to unseat Belgian monarch

Belgium, Europe’s favorite place to fight major wartime battles, has a royal family. This may come as a surprise to many in the U.S., because we like to obsess over the British royal family like a woman we broke up with but still miss. But the Belgian king now finds himself under attack from a foreign power that wants to unseat him.

Burger King in a new ad campaign is asking Belgian citizens to vote on who should be their king: King Philippe, or the Benevolent Dictator of Broiled Meats. Stubbornly, the sovereign has refused to let the people have it their way in the free, online election. In fact, the campaign has drawn the ire of the Belgian royal family, which issued a warning to Burger King to not use Philippe’s image in its advertising.

This could turn bloody.

You Missed It: Canberra calling edition

A diplomatic incident with Australia? ‘Simpsons’ did it!

I’m not a Trump supporter, but I think I know what it’s like to be one. After all, I’m a New England Patriots fan. I know what it’s like to be part of a group that has clearly had the rules systematically bent in their favor, only to develop a persecution complex when things don’t go our way once or twice. Also, I’ve talked myself into believing that the leader of my team doesn’t really mean it when he supports questionable political ideas. Most of the country hates us, but we win anyway. No wonder Tom Brady and Bill Belichick are friends with this Trump guy. If you were busy this week taking weird photos to announce that you are pregnant with twins, odds are you missed it.

Trump vs. Australia
This week, President Donald Trump and Australian Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull had a phone conversation, and it did not go well. At one point, Trump criticized a refugee agreement between the U.S. and Australia, and eventually he hung up on Malcolm. Sen. John McCain called Australia Ambassador Joe Hockey (who should really be the Canadian ambassador) to smooth things over between the two countries. I don’t know if the good-cop-bad-cop routine has ever been used in international diplomacy, this should be interesting.

Attention whore gets attention in attention-grabbing move
In the most predictable news story of the week, alt-right white nationalist darling Milo Yiannopoulos was forced to cancel his speaking engagement at Berkeley due to student protests. Yiannopoulos and his supporters criticized the violence conducted by some demonstrators, including a big fire, but really, they were just upset they couldn’t throw books into it.

Don’t eat fast food packaging
And finally, scientists revealed this week that chemicals used to block grease in fast food containers are leeching into our burgers, fries and burritos. Great plan, guys, telling Americans that fast food is bad for them hasn’t worked so far, but why not try it again?

Mars needs women! (No fat chicks)

Alright, Mars: is it moderation if we eat your candy over a dollop of frozen yogurt?
Alright, Mars: is it moderation if we eat your candy over a dollop of frozen yogurt?

When it comes to junk food, we’re used to companies disregarding our actual health to convince us to eat only their products and as much of them as possible. For instance, Jack’s Links telling us that beef jerky’s how professional athletes build muscle mass or Gatorade saying we haven’t defeated dehydration until Lemon-Lime seeps out of our pores.

So, it comes as a surprise that Mars, the company responsible for M&Ms, Snickers and Skittles, wants out of the fast food dessert market. They want to discontinue providing their candy for McDonalds McFlurries, Dairy Queen Blizzards and Burger King Snicker Pies because we allegedly eat too much of it. (No word if they plan to stop The Guys from stuffing Skittles into Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups and shooting them with root beer floats.)

Mars is ducking out of fast food desserts to convince people to eat sweets in moderation — and this is news to us, but, apparently, combining ice cream and candy isn’t moderation.

Well, you’re not the boss of us, Mars! (Not until our manned space program finally provokes your intergalactic overlords on the red planet.) We can buy our own candy and sprinkle it into our own ice cream. And, if your goal was to raise your stock by making us eat more candy in protest, then you win!

Taco Bell aims to be No. 1 supplier of Mexican-flavored food poisoning again

White seats in a fast food taco joint? You flew too close to the sun, Taco Bell.
White seats in a fast food taco joint? You flew too close to the sun, Taco Bell. Have you seen your Doritos- dusted sharts?

With Chipotle looking more vulnerable than ever, Taco Bell believes that the norovirus could do for fast food what it did for trains and air travel against cruise lines. The most successful restaurant chain to appear in Demolition Man is testing new store formats to convince diners to stay in for dinner, not just try to sound sober enough to use the drive-thru at 2 am.

And why not? Remember when our taco-flavored barf only cost $1 per taco? We can live that beautiful dream again, thanks to the miracle of interior design.

KFC wants you to eat nail polish

We don’t like shaming people these days, unless it’s shaming the shamers. And then there are some who shame the shamers of the shamers. But aside from that, Americans see shaming as bad. That’s why we can’t make fun of KFC’s newest offering.

In an announcement we are forced to assume is real, KFC has worked with McCormick to introduce a flavored nail polish. You can now paint your nails, and lick them for that secret blend of herbs and spices any time you want. We have to assume the nail polish has to dry first.

So let’s not make fun of people who bite their nails for now having a flavor to enjoy. Let’s not mock people who buy this, because wearing nail polish shouldn’t be a gender-specific thing. An otherwise toxic product that has fast food flavoring is officially the most American product, but it’s only being released in Hong Kong.

British pets eat like American humans

No, you can't has anymore cheezburgers.
No, you can’t has anymore cheezburgers.

No matter how many weight-loss reality shows we watch, Americans just can’t seem to lose any weight. It’s no secret that America is in the midst of an obesity epidemic, but it’s good to know that the Brits are struggling with the same thing — their pets are, anyway.

According to a veterinarian group in the U.K., British pets are fat because their owners keep feeding them fast food and leftovers from dining out. Here in America, we save that stuff for ourselves. (Let the dog go buy his own Taco Bell!) What’s worse, is that some U.K. pet owners are even feeding their animals booze.

That kind of behavior here is reserved for Toby Keith songs.

Cookie Monster’s nearly 50 year reign of terror over

Unlike the Houston-area Cookie Monster, the Sesame Street Cookie Monster knows that he has to treat his addiction seriously before he violates the terms of Wally "Famous" Amos' restraining order again.
Unlike the Houston-area Cookie Monster, the Sesame Street Cookie Monster knows that he has to treat his addiction seriously before he violates the terms of Wally “Famous” Amos’ restraining order again.

After nearly 50 years of unimpeded cookie menacing, the Cookie Monster has been arrested where all depressing crime stories end: Houston, Texas. Police caught the Cookie Monster using surveillance video from one of over 30 fast food restaurants that he robbed in the past two months, demanding a cookie with the money at each one.

OK, so it’s not the Cookie Monster. The furry blue monster that we all know in love is in treatment at a cookie methadone facility on Sesame Street. He is in recovery and, according to CM himself, “take one day at time.” He’s now able to enjoy cookies in moderation, calling them “sometime food.”

So, we believe that the Houston-area Cookie Monster can be rehabilitated and perhaps one day teach kids how to count calories.

McDonald’s breakfast — stuff of legends — available all day!

The crop-circles of breakfast food will now be available all day at select McDonald's locations.
The crop-circles of breakfast “food” will now be available all day at select McDonald’s locations.

Everybody! McDonald’s launches all-day breakfast items tomorrow! Finally, we can get whatever a McGriddle is after 10 a.m.

Of course, none of us have ever actually eaten McDonald’s breakfast. We’ve either always woken up too late or would rather eat actual g*ddamn food for breakfast when we do.

But, hey, we’re sure that, even if the meat in their burgers is questionable, it’s impossible to fake foamy, perfectly round yellow coasters and call them eggs, right?

We’re making ants fat

If there’s an upside to our constant consumption of fast food, it’s that we’re giving scavengers unhealthy diets, too.

According to a new report, ants that live in cities are more likely to consume fast food than ants in less populated areas. Out in the country, ants have a diet of grasses and whatever you hit with your car, but in the city, it’s that greasy food or sugary drink that you drop on the ground.

The long game here is to give urban ants heart attacks, and we’re doing well.