When life gives men lemons, those men f%&k them

People respond to stress in different ways. Some shut down, and others claim they can only produce under pressure. It turns out that men are more interested in reproducing under stress.

British researchers recently learned that men who are tasked with stressful tasks, like public speaking, become attracted to a wider range of women’s body mass indexes, including women who are larger than what they normally go for. This might come from picturing the audience naked.

Dieting women of the world responded with a resounding, “Are you f%@king kidding me?!”

Science wants morons back

Is it just us, or has science pulled a Sandra Dee, all showing up to NASCAR in black vinyl, heels and teased hair while putting out a cigarette? First, they presented evidence that supports letting pregnant women drink, even going so far to say that binging doesn’t really hurt your child. And now? Salad doesn’t work without fatty-fatty-fat-fat salad dressing.

Researchers at Purdue University found that fats in salad dressing increase the amount of carotenoids — or nutrient compounds like lycopene and beta-carotene — absorbed into the blood stream. Without sufficient fats, the good parts just pass right through you.

Or, because we never pass up the opportunity to make an analogy: your insides are the wall of a barn. If you just throw salad at that wall without a thick enough dressing, it just slides right off. But with a thick, creamy layer of Hidden Valley ranch, it sticks to your barn, which will now have better eyesight. (We grew up in the suburbs and, consequently, do not know how barns work.)

This is all well and good, but you do realize, science, that there is no winning morons back, right? They’re still mad about the whole evolution thing and how you wouldn’t go all the way with them at the drive-in.

Not so Happy Meal now

The San Francisco city board passed a bill that bans “restaurants from handing out toys with meals that fail to meet basic nutritional standards for fat, calories, and sodium.” The target of the bill is the McDonald’s Happy Meal, which famously lures children in once a week to get the latest plastic movie tie-in.

However, if San Francisco really cared, they’d get rid of McDonald’s Monopoly, which convinces stupid people to eat there every day.

Take it from Snee: Your army’s so fat

As this Web site reported on Tuesday, the obesity epidemic in this country now affects our national security.  One-quarter of all 17-24 year-olds exceed recruitment weight limits. And what’s the big deal about one-fourth? An additional half are in ineligible because they dropped out of high school, have criminal records or have non-Big Mac-related medical issues.

That’s three-quarters of our Selective Service. If we suddenly needed a draft to fight off human waves of Canadians, we’d be forced to sew uniforms together, widen trigger holes, and hollow out tanks to equip our nation of fatasses–so long as they don’t have to run anywhere.

At least, that sounds like it would be a problem until you consider that, while recruits are turned away for being too overweight, active duty soldiers are being discharged for the same reason. Our military is fat! In order to support our troops, they’ll need those Rascal scooters to get to combat zones!

But, is this really a problem? Are our young warriors really Too Fat to Fight? Continue reading Take it from Snee: Your army’s so fat

Animals buttering us up for offensive

The military is concerned about fat, and with today’s national security concerns, they should be. Because animals won’t rest until you, your family and everyone you know is fat, slow and delicious.

Retired U.S. military officers are recommending that Congress regulate and spend more on school lunches. They cite an increased problem with turning away rising numbers of obese recruits. And they believe that school lunches, high in grease, fat and soda are the culprit.

We all know where school lunches come from, people: animals. From the Salisbury steak to the bacon bits in the green beans to paste in kindergarten class, animals are fattening themselves up on hormones and protein to disable our fighting men and women.

But that’s not all: animals are also trying to curb our exercise.

Water aerobics classes in Darwin, Australia are canceled until a crocodile leaves the pool or at least promises not to eat anyone. Without water aerobics, how will Australia’s military get into shape? HOW?

Exercise is the new green tea

If you’re reading this, you’re probably not exercising. That’s OK. After reading this, you’ll be inspired to begin immediately.

As we reported earlier, your baby is fat. Babies, however, are also notoriously lazy: demanding to be carried, soiling themselves and not even bothering to chew their food. But, pregnant mothers who exercise give birth to smaller babies, which delays their inevitable chunking-up by a year or so.

Exercise also may treat depression and anxiety. Researchers believe the increased activity makes you too tired to care about your naggy, fat baby or dead end job.

And, if you thought your baby was good for nothing, that was nothing compared to their teenage years. Fortunately, it appears your teenager can overcome your fat genes by exercising for one hour a day.

It’s only a matter of time now before exercise is recommended for curing sprained ankles, heat exhaustion, drowning, heart attacks and asthma. Now run! Run until your herpes clear up!

‘I see fat people’

Australian scientists claim they’ve stumbled upon a sixth sense – but not the kind where you become Haley Joel Osment and end up having a movie career that goes nowhere. No, researchers down under have found a new flavor sense: fat.

It’s more or less a well known fact that fat is an excellent vehicle for food flavors and has a highly appealing mouth-feel. A new study, however, suggests that along with sweet, sour, salty, bitter, and umami (essentially, the ability to detect protein), we can also actually taste fat itself.

Dr. Russell Keast, an exercise and nutrition sciences professor at Deakin University in Melbourne, conducted a study. In the Deakin study, Dr. Keast and his team gave a group of 33 people fatty acids found in common foods, mixed in with nonfat milk to disguise the telltale fat texture. All 33 could detect the fatty acids to at least a small degree.

Here’s where it gets exciting: While all participants could detect some fat, some were better at it than others. With this in mind, the researchers then explored whether sharper fat-tasting abilities corresponded to fat consumption. They did: The higher a person’s fat-tasting sensitivity, the fewer fatty foods that person ate, and the lower that person’s body mass index was.

”I may be very sensitive to sweet tastes, while somebody else may be insensitive. This is common throughout the tastes, and it’s exactly what we’re finding with fat,” Dr. Keast told the Sydney Morning Herald. “People who are very sensitive to fat can taste very low concentrations of it. It appears [those] people have a mechanism that is telling them to stop eating it.”

Findings could lead to an entirely new approach to obesity. Dr. Keast’s team is on the case. Meanwhile, pass the butter and weapons grade lard.

Don’t you mean ‘Souththin Airlines?’

Oh, aren’t we such a clever, clever lads.

That’s not a question; that’s a statement.

Another statement that’s been uttered (but not by me) was by director Kevin Smith:

“You [messed] with the wrong sedentary processed-foods eater!”

It would seem that Southwest Airlines has managed to draw the ire of Smith. How so? According to the man and his Twitter account, he was thrown off of a flight from Oakland to Burbank on this past Saturday because he’s “too fat.”

Internet OMG! Whatever will the smarmy goatee people of the internet do?!!?

In response to his e-lashing of their company, Southwest sent Smith a hundred dollar voucher and had him ride on a later flight. But will that be enough? Well, so far Silent Bob hasn’t made any motion to protest the airline … yet.

However, we must wholeheartedly agree with Tom Katers on Twitter:

“Kevin Smith is lucky anyone will let him on anything after Clerks 2.

How fat is baby? Soooo fat

It looks like even babies are starting to let themselves go, according to Dr. John Harrington.

Dr. Harrington has just released research of obese children’s  medical records that were gathered by himself and colleagues. They started gaining weight as infants, and 50 percent were overweight by age 2, and 90 percent by 5.

So, parents, if you want to reach your kids before they really pork out, maybe you should scatter some magazines around the house with idealized skinny kids. And make sure to add some passive-aggressive digs like, “Are you sure you want stringed cheese?” and, “It’s amazing how much bigger they make diapers these days.”

What’s after online dating?

Online dating sites claim that more and more people are turning to their compatability algorythms rather than the old fashioned method. (That would be picking up people in bars until you or one of them gets pregnant.)

Non-users consider it a last-ditch effort, that hail mary pass at the last second of the biological play clock before running a cat hostel.

In the critics’ defense, where do you go when even the Internet rejects you? Speed-dating? Church?

Maybe we should ask the former members of BeautifulPeople.com, a dating site that trimmed the fat, so to speak.

In Other News: SeriouslyGuys has discovered their direct online name rival.