Tag: fat

Diarrhea no substitute for bulimea

Taco Bell–which was represented by a chihuahua in their ads until she was ground into chalupas–has unveiled their new campaign: dieting.

If the past decade has been categorized by gritty, violent remakes of crap from the ’90s, then consider this the s#%tty remake of Jared’s Subway diet. TB claims that a woman lost 50 pounds by ordering from their “Fresco” menu daily, keeping her caloric intake below 1300.

Oh, there are so many jokes here …. Let’s just post them in a list:

  • The Fresco menu? You’d lose weight if you ate paintings of food, too.
  • It wasn’t the Taco Bell that was low calorie, but the Tic-Tacs she ate for the rest of the day.
  • In the burrito’s defense, it doesn’t stay in your system long enough to pack on the pounds.
  • Before Taco Bell, this woman never ate lettuce.
  • The Taco Bell diet encourages you to exercise more so that dates can focus on your six-pack abs, even when you smell like you s#%t your pants.
  • We always go for a run after a Gordito … to the bathroom.
  • C’mon, have you ever seen a fat Mexican?
  • We can’t tell you Taco Bell’s secret blend of 11 herbs and spices; however, we can tell you that one of those spices is not not tape worm eggs.
  • Why would this woman lie about the dietary benefits of a multimillion dollar international chain of restaurants?

Look, we’re not saying it’s impossible to lose weight by eating Taco Bell. We’re just saying that you might lose even more by not doing so.

Go for 1,000!!!

When roaming around on this thing that Al Gore invented, we used to be shocked by stories of really, really, ridiculously fat people. Not so much anymore, it takes a special kind of fat to strike us these days, and my friends, I found it.

England’s Paul Mason is a 980-pound masterpiece that consumes 20,000 calories a day and costs taxpayers roughly $165,000 … a year (we’re not sure what it is in pounds, BA-ZING!). But now after years of eating feelings in the form of probably fried foods, Mason wants a $33,000 surgery to save his life, while the cost of the ambulance to get him to the surgery is nearly three times as much. All courtesy of the fog-breathers tax dollars.

We here at SG say screw it. If Mason were 900-pounds, it would be a different story. But Mason has a chance to become the world’s only 1,000-pound man. You’ve got to be remembered for something, right?

Oh god, I’m fat

I know it was you, Popeye. You broke my heart.In my on-going series of ways that Alabama is trying to kill me, I’ve learned that I’m a no-good fat fatty-fat fat-fat.

Those of you who may know me would be surprised, considering I’ve always seemed smaller than everyone else (except Chugs). But that’s exactly how it snuck up on me.

According to Time Magazine, Alabama ranks as not only one of the poorest, but also one of the fattest states (except Mississippi). Over 30% of this state’s population is obese because of fried food, gravy and a lack of grocery stores, sidewalks, bike lanes and public transportation (gotta walk to bus stops).

Because so many people around me are obese, I didn’t even notice my weight gain. No matter how big I got, I looked “normal.” And, according to CNN, even Old Navy may have conspired against me by marking larger cloths with smaller measurements! So my waist size hasn’t really been 30 this whole time!

So, when Alabama’s tornadoes and rising STD rates missed me, it resorted to the old fashioned way: diabetes and heart disease.

Best way to stay healthy is to be fat

If you’ve got a few extra pounds on you, a study by the Japanese health ministry thinks you’re a-ok. People with a little belly flab at around the age of 40 outlive skinny people by six or seven years. What this tells you is that you should get the double cheeseburger for lunch.

“We found skinny people run the highest risk,” said Shinichi Kuriyama, an associate professor at Tohoku University’s Graduate School of Medicine. “We had expected thin people would show the shortest life expectancy but didn’t expect the difference to be this large.”

They studied 50,000 people between ages 40 and 79 in northern Japan. At first they thought that the decreased lifespan for the skinnies was due to smoking or sickness, but even removed, the result didn’t change much. Instead, they point to their higher vulnerability to diseases.

But for you up-and-coming tubbies, don’t go crazy eating to live longer:

“It’s better that thin people try to gain normal weight, but we doubt it’s good for people of normal physique to put on more fat,” Kuriyama said.

So skip the fries?

BREAKING NEWS: Is Jessica Simpson fat?

It’s been a scary new year so far. Between lost jobs, foreign wars, displaced maybe-P.O.W.s, equal pay for women and Presidential action figures with kung fu grip*, we’re fairly positive that we should have aborted the 2009 baby.

But, now it’s worse: Jessica Simpson may have gotten fat. Or she might be dressing like a mother of four. Verdict’s still out.

Either way, things were merely bad before the photo on the left. Now we’re seconds away from killing ourselves to save ourselves from what will most assuredly be the worst year in American history.

We’d like to thank to media for doing their part to tell us this awful, pants-wettingly terrifying news. They’ve demonstrated the brutal honesty you could only expect out of a close friend: a close friend that wants you to drown your children as they will inherit a stinky, mom-jeans-wearing morass we once called the United States.

*Special thanks to Groonk for this link.

America, F-Yeah!

Of course, in this case, the “F” stands for “fat.” I mean, China has definitely enjoyed a new sense of consumer business … possibly nearly too much in the waste line.

Fear not loyal Americans, this means nothing. China may be getting a bit too big for their britches, but America still takes the cake … along with the ham hocks, buttered sausages, ice cream cones and fried chicken.

China is now the fattest country in the world, second only to the United States.

We’re still number one…

USA, USA, USA!!!!!!

R-O-C-K IN THE U-S-A!